What do I do?

I've always struggled with depression and ptsd from the beginning of my memory. My parents claim I've had depression episodes since I was very little (began around age 2). My father was an alcoholic and my mother is less than stable. Throughout my childhood, and as far back as I can remember, I've been my mothers main emotional support. All problems in her life were dumped upon me as her confidant, which has given me an excessive stress load most of my life. I smoked cannabis, dabbled in hallucinogens, cocaine, ecstasy, and pain killers in high school, but cannabis was more my thing. I have always been an incredibly deep thinker, often losing myself for hours following trains if thought, and have surrounded myself with people similar as much as I can. I fought legally and began training at the age of 6 until I graduated, which sometimes helped with my depression. After high school, I felt even more empty. I feel as though I am far more intelligent and think deeper than most of my peers and it began irritating me. I began working at a children's psych hospital as a Mental Health Technician which inspired me to chase my dream of becoming a psychiatrist (8 more years, and I'm finished with school), however; as I've progressed through school I've begun finding myself becoming more critical of people's ignorance and emotionally charged reactions instead of responses. I have made it an effort to respond to stimuli instead of reacting to it.

These last two years, life has changed a lot. I had legal trouble from defending my home from burglars, walked away from it all, met a girl who I fell In love with, but overtime I've come to resent her for her irrationality and extremely emotional tendencies. She's extremely forgetful, constantly does not think ahead, and has almost constant incredibly unintelligent comments and outlooks on things. She's book smart, but completely intellectually non stimulating. I have always known exactly what she is going to say or is thinking without err.

I'm realizing that I am becoming more and more irritated with people as life goes on. I rarely find conversation stimulating, exercise leaves me unsatisfied, video games and tv are just fillers when I have nothing to do, and my friends and I all seem to be growing apart.
I've noticed that I'm becoming more reactive as time goes by and I'm waking up irritated. I have tried walking myself through altering my cognitions, and changing my environment, but to no avail.
I recently had a daughter in February, whom I feel little attachment to, and have noticed I resent because I feel an obligation to staying with her mother for the sake of my daughter (which makes no sense when I think about it).
I used to be very extroverted, and now I can't wait until people leave me alone. I seek out solitude, and find myself annoyed with everyone. I no longer like animals, I don't care much for sex anymore (I mostly do it to satisfy my SO), I find solace in almost nothing anymore. As I've made my way into my bachelors, I notice more and more traits in myself that are classified as mental issues.
I feel like I have no control aside from what goes on in school, and what I do on my computer.
I still exercise in some form or another at least twice a week (tennis, bouldering, lifting weights, hiking), I eat mostly organic foods and keep empty carbs and sugar out as much as possible, but I still can't shake this unending annoyance with everything.

When other people talk to me, I just speak until they seem satisfied with the conversation, but I just want them to shut up and leave me alone.

I just feel numb, but also angry, and just overall irritated.
I don't really drink anymore, as I don't find hangovers worth it. Smoking cannabis just makes me tired, and tobacco is disgusting.

I've considered trying medication, but I don't want to feel slow. I rather like my quick thinking, and have noticed my friends who have gone on meds appear to have slower cognitions. I constantly long for the peace that comes with death, though I could never leave my child like that, or leave that large of a mess for others.

I'm just unsure on how to proceed. Am I the only person who feels this way, or does this come with intellectuality?

I know this sounds selfish as I read it, but I can't seem to figure out my way around this and it's wearing me out to the point I don't even want to get out of bed or study anymore.

Hello Tired: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I don't know as there is really much of anything I can offer with regard to this. From my perspective it is all something you may need to delve into, at-length & in-depth, with the help of a psychologist or mental health therapist. It's possible, I suppose, you may be diagnosable as having some sort of personality disorder. However, that's just a guess on my part. Mental health diagnosis is a job for mental health professionals.

There are forums, here on PC, related to the various personality disorders. Perhaps reading through, & replying to, some of the posts in these forums may help you to gain some perspective with regard to your situation. Here's a link to the Personality Place forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/personality-place/

There are a variety of quizzes & tests you can take here on PC. Here are links to 2 listings of them:

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/personality-tests/

My best wishes to you...

Welcome to PC

Thanks for the welcoming, guys. I appreciate your advice, and will try out those tests. I need to get into see someone, but I'm extremely busy anymore.

Thank you for being so great already!