A few days have passed since I did this post.
Like sisabel mentions ,with time it doesn’t feel quite as bad, or as raw...it’s still there although I don’t feel quite as awful as I did...
I have also realised the whole issue around drinking to gain confidence is triggering , as my father was an alcoholic which had a terrible affect on me.

The mind is an amazing thing..and I wondered about how bad I felt and why, and realised some complex reasons..I believe to understand why something makes us feel so bad or triggers us in a very bad way helps us to manage it better, whether for me, that’s by not drinking at all in the future I’m not sure but it’s a big consideration...

I’m grateful for all of you and your comments it helped to make me feel less shame and embarrassment, and dislike myself ....for that I am truly grateful

Massive good wishes to you all
X x x