TRIGGER WARNING

Hello, thank you for reading my post. I realize that it’s scary to talk to pedophiles. I’m scared of them too.
Here’s my story.
I am 22.
I am a trans male.
I have aspergers, OCD, depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.
I wake up and I want to die from my shame.
I fantasize about being a teenager or a child again.
I don’t dare look at children, online or in real life, because I am afraid to even think about them. I know that sooner or later my brain My brain sexualizes everything, but not like this.
I can’t control my brain and I can’t control my thoughts.
I joined VirPed (that’s that famous pedo forum) but I don’t like it there. It’s scary being around so many pedophiles, even if none of them offend. They’re all older than me and they tell me to accept myself and not to be ashamed. But how can I accept myself when I’m a monster?
Maybe, by some miracle, I am not a pedophile, and this is just a new subset of OCD. But I am too afraid to tell my therapist, for fear she will refuse to continue seeing me. Which is why I’ve changed my name and come to the internet. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get cured. I don’t know why my brain is doing this.
All I know is I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Please, if you know what’s wrong with me, tell me.