I think I might be a pedophile, please help me

TRIGGER WARNING

Hello, thank you for reading my post. I realize that it’s scary to talk to pedophiles. I’m scared of them too.
Here’s my story.
I am 22.
I am a trans male.
I have aspergers, OCD, depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.
I wake up and I want to die from my shame.
I fantasize about being a teenager or a child again.
I don’t dare look at children, online or in real life, because I am afraid to even think about them. I know that sooner or later my brain My brain sexualizes everything, but not like this.
I can’t control my brain and I can’t control my thoughts.
I joined VirPed (that’s that famous pedo forum) but I don’t like it there. It’s scary being around so many pedophiles, even if none of them offend. They’re all older than me and they tell me to accept myself and not to be ashamed. But how can I accept myself when I’m a monster?
Maybe, by some miracle, I am not a pedophile, and this is just a new subset of OCD. But I am too afraid to tell my therapist, for fear she will refuse to continue seeing me. Which is why I’ve changed my name and come to the internet. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get cured. I don’t know why my brain is doing this.
All I know is I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Please, if you know what’s wrong with me, tell me.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. One thing I would like to suggest to you is you are not a pedophile as long as you have not acted on any of the thoughts in your head. You wrote if someone knows what's wrong with you they should tell you. As you probably are aware, we here on PC cannot diagnose you. That is a job for a mental health professional... which leads me to my next point. At least from my perspective, you must talk with someone about this because it is obviously causing you great internal distress. And talking about it is the way to resolve it... to air it out & let the sunshine in.

You wrote you are afraid to talk with your therapist about it out of fear she will refuse to continue to see you. I suppose that could happen. I don't believe an experienced, skilled therapist would do that. But then I don't know your therapist. And I do know there are lots of therapists out there who don't even deserve the title, in my opinion. But, at least from my perspective, that's a chance you may simply need to take.

If the therapist you're seeing now won't continue to see you, then perhaps you need to find another therapist. Your therapist, any therapist, can only be of as much help to you as possible to the extent that you are honest with them. Withholding something such as this that is of such concern to you really defeats the whole purpose of therapy to my way of thinking.

It would be great if there were some other secret remedy for this... something you haven't heard of that, once you learn of it, will make everything well. If there is... I haven't heard of it. (Perhaps other members here on PC will have some suggestions.) And at least from my perspective continuing to search for something, while holding all of this anxiety & shame inside, is just likely to make it all feel even worse. Oh... & by the way, joining a website for pedophiles? It seems to me that's little short of self-abusive. If you struggled with thoughts of wanting to rob banks would you join a website for bank robbers? (I don't know if such a thing exists. But I wouldn't be surprised.)

Anyway... I really believe the answer to this is to talk it out at-length & in-depth with the help of a skilled therapist... either the one you're seeing now or someone else. I don't know what your financial situation is, of course. But if you can afford it, perhaps you might consider seeing a second therapist in order to deal with this particular concern. Or, in the alternative, perhaps you might look into on-line therapy, again, as an adjunct to what you're already doing.

And then just one other quick thought. If you feel there is simply no way you can arrange to talk this through with anyone, perhaps you might consider starting a journaling practice as a way of attempting to deal with this privately. (I don't know if that's a good idea or not. But it's another suggestion.) Here are links to 6 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that extol the benefits of journaling plus 1 that offers a cautionary note:

The Health Benefits of Journaling

Journaling to Help Reduce Stress and Anxiety | Happily Imperfect

Using Journaling and Meditation to Reclaim Joy

4 Journaling Exercises to Help You Manage Your Emotions

5 Ways to Use Art Journaling to Navigate Anxiety

https://psychcentral.com/blog/intros...of-journaling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/intros...ot-journaling/

My best wishes to you...

Obsessive thoughts of pedophilia can definitely be a component of OCD. And that can include unwanted physical responses. That doesn't mean you actually want to harm children.

I would talk to your T about it, make sure you explain that you are disturbed by those thoughts. If it's interfering with your life so much, you should seek professional treatment.

(((((Truth))))) I agree about getting professional help

Have you carefully read through VirPed? I'm not sure if interacting with others on the site is the most helpful idea, but the site does offer tremendous insight into feeling like a pedo, but not actually being one.

Fear of sexually harming a child is a very, very common OCD theme. I believe that you've posted your question on the correct board.

if you are only mentally playing with children you are not a real pedo just fantasies are not real or dangerous. specifically what do dream of doing with children? is it gender specific or both types little boys and girls? do you discuss your dreams with a therapist? this is best alternative. do you have any active b'oyfriends or girlfriends?

I disagree. Being attracted to children is what a pedophile is, regardless of actions.

Note I am not saying the OP is a pedophile. I am not qualified to say that. However I believe therapy would help OP work through their feelings.

Hello there. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't call yourself a monster tho darling. I think that you just need to see someone and talk to them about it. The alright therapist will be able to put everything into perspective and get you the help you need. Please take the steps needed to help yourself. You don't deserve to be unhappy. Make sure you get help. Plz keep me updated

(((Hon))) you are not a monster...I know, because I have had these very thoughts n feelings you describe. If you were a monster, you wouldn't care, feel the way yo are n you certainly wouldn't be sharing this with us. Your hugely brave n so, hard as I know it is, please remember this n get the support that you deserve.

I've suffer from OCD, anxiety n mild depression...I'd no idea why I was going through n experiencing what I have, a skilled professional will help. Please pm and talk with me anytime, about anything, if you would like to. Please, let us know how your doing. Stay strong/brave, ok?