Quote:
Originally Posted by apsl1985
I want to thank everyone for the kind words, you have no idea how much joy it brought me to be treated with kindness, it's so rare... I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist but to be honest I see no progress. It's not their fault, it's the circumstances, how can I feel any better when my circumstances don't change? I need a job, a stable source of income, a place where my disability is accepted, unfortunately it's very hard to find that type of job. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to those who have very visible disabilities.  I also desperately long for a friendship, even more than a romantic relationship. I've always been kind of a loner, even before I was disabled. I used to spend my time reading and daydreaming, I was never that excited about real life because it always lacked magic when compared to the life I knew from my books. I guess I grew up with unreal expectations of what life would be like. Sometimes I think it's my fault, that maybe I want too much out of life but is wanting love too much when you've been mistreated by your own family all your life? If just one person looked at me with love I would be the happiest person on this earth, my disability, the constant physical pain, my family, it would all become so meaningless if I had true love in my life. |
apsl,
Now you’ve set my lips quivering and my tear ducts flowing.
Joy and kindness are my keywords and hopes these days. I’m only realizing now the abundance of joy that I’ve received from others and the weighty magnitude of kindness that has been the undeserving fortune of my lifetime. I can only hope to repay, on occasion and in probably insignificant manner, the joys and kindnesses afforded me. I can’t say that these gifts have been rare; only that I never made much effort to acknowledge them when given.
I’m very sorry to hear that psychiatric care and psychotherapy haven’t been of much help — maybe that’s not the type of help that you need just now? I fully understand how circumstances, your individual needs and disabilities and further hinderances (in my case, transportation ), can weigh more strongly when considering more immediate goals. I am very, very obviously handicapped (but extraordinarily handsome!) and it’s actually much
easier for us to find employment as we’re judged primarily by our visible handicaps and not by our invisible crazy brains.
In re employment: Have you tried finding employment with nonprofit groups that employ
only those who
are handicapped? There’s a stigma around some of these nonprofits — that they only employ ‘envelope-stuffers’ — but I was offered a very well-paying position as an OCR scanner technician at our local United Cerebal Palsy organization. But I couldn’t take the job because I was in a nursing home at the time! Just a suggestion.
In re friendships. I suffered so long with education-conceit, thinking that I could only find friends within the small circle of my fellow over-educated peers, that I overlooked the love of those with
no formal education. When I was brought down so low into madness, I was abandoned by those peers (thank goodness!) and found acceptance among a much more diverse group of people and they became the better friends than I’d ever known. Diversity rocks! And I discovered that I only needed to get out and sit and gradually introduce myself to others to find good and caring friends. Oh, yeah, we argue and one-up each other with ‘yo-mama’ taunts but we’re so damned
close and never offensive. I don’t know your circumstances and don’t want you to think that what has worked for me will work for you but I found that simply allowing myself (no,
forcing myself!) to be amongst others helped to form friendships.
In re romance, reading and unrealistic expectations.
Romance: You’ll not get any advice from me! One of my mental disorders cite “pattern(s) of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.” I had no trouble falling in love (or in finding others who loved me); my problem was in sustaining romantic relationships! I always had to be in that ‘falling/just having fallen’ stage and I quickly grew bored and began to seek new loves before ending the ‘old.’ There was one exception. I hope that others here can give you tips!
Reading: You needn’t think that voracious reading is only for hermits or scholars. I gave myself over to reading and only in seclusion in these latter years. Book clubs. Hang around newsstands and chat up those reaching for the same periodicals as yourself. I guess that’s a friendship tip. Even a
romance possibility!
Unreal expectations: Sometimes unreal expectations are foisted upon us by family and friends; sometimes they’re our own. Eh... if I were you I might take five minutes to determine if you’re aiming too high and, if so, take five minutes to make adjustments. That’s that.
I don’t know if true love exists. I’m just that stupid and intrinsically disordered. I have two friends who’ve been married for over forty-years who tell me that honesty is the secret to lasting love. As I’m no expert I take their words to mean more than others I’ve heard. I know how soul-crushing loneliness can be and if I’ve any advice of how you might go about finding friends and love it’s to throw yourself into crowds of the living and find those with equal or greater faults than your own. Then love them before they love you.
That’s it. Thinking of you.