I feel so, so lonely...

I had no idea where to put this, I hope it's in the right place. I'm having a very rough night My chest physically hurts from all the sadness and emptiness I'm feeling right now. I lost the only friend I had, I explained that in a different topic, and now here I am, all by myself, wishing I had someone to talk to, someone that would understand me the way my friend did, someone that would laugh at my bad jokes, someone that would tell me they love me even if I don't love myself. Tears are falling down my face as I write this, I feel so miserable, so alone. All my life the only thing I ever wanted was to feel loved and believe me, I tried so hard to find that love... I went to the extreme of allowing myself to be mistreated and humiliated for the love of someone that didn't love me at all. I'm here, all alone, looking back at my life and all I see is emptiness. If I died tonight no one would even notice my absence. I have nowhere to go, no one to meet, no one to chat to. I'm also a failure, I'm not good at anything. Most people my age have found their talents, their passions... Some paint, others sing, some have become doctors, others are starting their own companies, getting married, planning on having kids. Here I am, watching behind a laptop screen, wishing that was me. It will never happen though, I know it won't because my disability stops me from enjoying life, I can't even go to the grocery store around the block without being in excruciating pain, who will want to share their life with someone who lives in pain? Someone who, most of the times, can't join in on the fun? I'm a loser, I hate every fiber of my being, I feel disgust when I think about myself, I feel nauseous whenever I look in the mirror, I don't even look in the mirror when I take off my clothes to shower because I know I will get sick just by looking at my disgusting naked body. Some people say that all that stuff about no one being able to love you if you don't love yourself is bs, I'm starting to think it isn't. I can't imagine anyone loving a human being that hates their own self this much. When I talk about love I'm not talking exclusively about romantic love, I'm talking about all types of love. I don't even know why I wrote this. I guess I just wanted someone to talk to, to get this off my chest... I feel so pathetic, I even tried Tinder to see if I would get lucky and would find someone to have a nice conversation with... lol... Only one match and even that one ignored me I'm pathetic. I guess the only thing I have left to do is take my sleeping pills, hope they somehow will mask the horrible physicall pain I'm feeling because of my illness and maybe then get some sleep...

(((((apsl1984)))))

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It sounds to me like you're struggling with many different negative thoughts and feelings...Go easy on yourself, hey? Do you struggle with depression? It sounds like depressive thoughts taking over...overtime!! I really see a theme of self hatred here, and that breaks my heart for you. Sometimes when we're lonely, too, negativity and distorted thoughts can really mess with us. It's an actual thing. Are you in therapy? I wish you a peaceful sleep and self-loving dreams.

I'm so sorry, I know what it's like to lose a good friend too and feel a lot of the things you feel... I don't know what to say to help you feel better. I can't imagine anything someone could have said to me when I feel like that to make it better. Just... try not to give up completely. If you never give yourself a chance to find friends or more then it definitely won't happen and you'll just self-defeat in that way. I know how hard it is not to give up though, it's not easy to find the will to keep trying.

Do you see a psychiatrist or therapist? I’ve felt, and still feel, much like you. Not everything but I’m the champion of self-loathing, of despair and shame.

We all wish to be loved; I’m old and legless, having to be buckled into my wheelchair lest I continue to fall on my face and destroy my right eye as I did my left. I would love to love someone and be loved in return. I’m not as lonely now that I’ve overcome my agoraphobia, but I think that being alone on holidays — primarily Thanksgiving and Christmas — brings on the sorrowful loneliness that can only be experienced but not explained.

You’re amongst friends here — and amongst those that can genuinely empathize. This is a good and safe place.

Be safe; be strong.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain, I actually broke down when I read your posts. Why because this afternoon I completely lost it I yelled and cried and I dont know why. I think it is because I am scared I have to see my shrink on Tuesday, I am so afraid of going out. You can love someone without loving yourself, I do. I have a good friend that sits with me often,she doesnt like to be hugged I do. Sometimes if she is not in a good mood she tends to take it out on me.I tell her that I love her all the time and she does say it back and believe me she doesnt say anything unless she means it. I cant even call her on the phone she doesnt want me to ,yet she has other friends who can. I guess that is because she sees me three times a week but I so needed her to talk to her awhile ago .I was in tears >I do suffer with depression and bipolar and mood disorder among other things ,anxieties and panic attacks, she understands that but she doesnt understand why.I wish I knew why.All we need is a little love and compassion.If you ever need someone to talk to I am here for you.

You are a wonderful person and you are worthy of love. I'm sorry you're struggling so badly, but remember that we're here for you

Hi apsl, You're not alone. I feel the same way much of the time. I wish there were a place to meet other people that don't feel like they can be loved - I just don't know of any. I hope you feel a little better today. I appreciate your openness and honesty.

I’m so very sorry. My heart hurt reading this. The kindest souls are usually found in the most unlikely places and the happiest people aren’t necessarily the ones we think. Have faith and believe in yourself. Life is cruel and unkind but sometimes it is also generous and wonderful. Big hugs to you.

I can totally relate it is very difficult to make friends when your in pain because outings can be very limited and honestly alot of people don't want to understand or are incapable of empathy. There are people here who understand and care

You have come to the right place believe me I know what it feels like to be alone. I lost my husband over 14 years ago he was only 51 and I have been alone ever since I do have some friends but most of them are email ones ,.So actually the only one I can talk to is the one who visits with me. However I wont be able to sit with her until at least this coming Friday because of the holiday and she wont be here Wed,ugh So today and tomorrow I have been alone. I do have children and two grandchildren they dont ever come and see me despite the fact they only live like ten to fifteen minutes away. My family certainly doesn't understand my mental illness,actually they make fun of me mostly my son does,he thinks he is being funny but he is not.I won't say anything to him though. Get this because I don't want to hurt his feelings. This is what happens to me people can be rude to me and I just claim up and I cannot say anything,it burns me up because it bothers me sometimes for days.I love them so much so I have nobody to talk to because my mom died over two months ago,
I come to think of this place as my second home,I really like it here the people are so nice.If u need to talk like I said before I am here for you.

I want to thank everyone for the kind words, you have no idea how much joy it brought me to be treated with kindness, it's so rare... I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist but to be honest I see no progress. It's not their fault, it's the circumstances, how can I feel any better when my circumstances don't change? I need a job, a stable source of income, a place where my disability is accepted, unfortunately it's very hard to find that type of job. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to those who have very visible disabilities. I also desperately long for a friendship, even more than a romantic relationship. I've always been kind of a loner, even before I was disabled. I used to spend my time reading and daydreaming, I was never that excited about real life because it always lacked magic when compared to the life I knew from my books. I guess I grew up with unreal expectations of what life would be like. Sometimes I think it's my fault, that maybe I want too much out of life but is wanting love too much when you've been mistreated by your own family all your life? If just one person looked at me with love I would be the happiest person on this earth, my disability, the constant physical pain, my family, it would all become so meaningless if I had true love in my life.

Ah, it's heartbreaking!

You absolutely are loveable. And likeable. I suffer from the self-hating, too.

I hope to see you around. Loving friendships are formed here all the time. Something about this forum means that we are more easily able to see each other as we really are.

Take care!

Please know that I am saying this from my heart we all love you here.I can tell just by your post that you are a kind and loving person I f you want a friend well here I am. I dont judge anyone ,I try to be the best person I can be and if I can help you I will. I mean that to. Friends are so hard to come by because I am quiet and shy although it may not seem like it here I am.I am very insecure and sensitive to.but that wont stop me from loving someone. All I ever wanted to do was help someone and be a good person. :

apsl,

Now you’ve set my lips quivering and my tear ducts flowing.

Joy and kindness are my keywords and hopes these days. I’m only realizing now the abundance of joy that I’ve received from others and the weighty magnitude of kindness that has been the undeserving fortune of my lifetime. I can only hope to repay, on occasion and in probably insignificant manner, the joys and kindnesses afforded me. I can’t say that these gifts have been rare; only that I never made much effort to acknowledge them when given.

I’m very sorry to hear that psychiatric care and psychotherapy haven’t been of much help — maybe that’s not the type of help that you need just now? I fully understand how circumstances, your individual needs and disabilities and further hinderances (in my case, transportation ), can weigh more strongly when considering more immediate goals. I am very, very obviously handicapped (but extraordinarily handsome!) and it’s actually much easier for us to find employment as we’re judged primarily by our visible handicaps and not by our invisible crazy brains.

In re employment: Have you tried finding employment with nonprofit groups that employ only those who are handicapped? There’s a stigma around some of these nonprofits — that they only employ ‘envelope-stuffers’ — but I was offered a very well-paying position as an OCR scanner technician at our local United Cerebal Palsy organization. But I couldn’t take the job because I was in a nursing home at the time! Just a suggestion.

In re friendships. I suffered so long with education-conceit, thinking that I could only find friends within the small circle of my fellow over-educated peers, that I overlooked the love of those with no formal education. When I was brought down so low into madness, I was abandoned by those peers (thank goodness!) and found acceptance among a much more diverse group of people and they became the better friends than I’d ever known. Diversity rocks! And I discovered that I only needed to get out and sit and gradually introduce myself to others to find good and caring friends. Oh, yeah, we argue and one-up each other with ‘yo-mama’ taunts but we’re so damned close and never offensive. I don’t know your circumstances and don’t want you to think that what has worked for me will work for you but I found that simply allowing myself (no, forcing myself!) to be amongst others helped to form friendships.

In re romance, reading and unrealistic expectations.

Romance: You’ll not get any advice from me! One of my mental disorders cite “pattern(s) of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.” I had no trouble falling in love (or in finding others who loved me); my problem was in sustaining romantic relationships! I always had to be in that ‘falling/just having fallen’ stage and I quickly grew bored and began to seek new loves before ending the ‘old.’ There was one exception. I hope that others here can give you tips!

Reading: You needn’t think that voracious reading is only for hermits or scholars. I gave myself over to reading and only in seclusion in these latter years. Book clubs. Hang around newsstands and chat up those reaching for the same periodicals as yourself. I guess that’s a friendship tip. Even a romance possibility!

Unreal expectations: Sometimes unreal expectations are foisted upon us by family and friends; sometimes they’re our own. Eh... if I were you I might take five minutes to determine if you’re aiming too high and, if so, take five minutes to make adjustments. That’s that.

I don’t know if true love exists. I’m just that stupid and intrinsically disordered. I have two friends who’ve been married for over forty-years who tell me that honesty is the secret to lasting love. As I’m no expert I take their words to mean more than others I’ve heard. I know how soul-crushing loneliness can be and if I’ve any advice of how you might go about finding friends and love it’s to throw yourself into crowds of the living and find those with equal or greater faults than your own. Then love them before they love you.

That’s it. Thinking of you.