thanks for the support everyone.

my work has been cut down so i have more free time, and although i'm grateful for the break, i'm sitting at home feeling pointless and empty. i've been painting and working on photographs, but my concentration wears out after a couple of hours. i am going to work out today and i need to go shopping, but there's still that part of me that wishes something bad would happen to me. even while i'm thinking that, another part of me says that's such a stupid thing to think, and it's illogical. a lot of the time i just crave being out of my own mind. a lot of the time it feels like i see and feel everything through a screen, so that all my experiences are partially numbed. i often look at other people and wish i could be them, even when they look unhappy, because i imagine that they experience things more "real" than i do. i know this is also illogical and i wouldn't enjoy being someone else who is unhappy.