a lot of stuff going on

i have had a while of good mental health but over the past couple of weeks it has become wobbly. i quit seeing my therapist about a month ago, and have been planning to start with a new one. the couple i've made contact with are already full, and i'd like to go to someone who is recommended by my psychiatrist, ideally. i have friends to talk to about things going on but it's difficult not to have a contained space to talk about things with someone who is reliably going to be there.

for the past week i've been feeling really really dizzy and floaty, and i don't know what to do about it. the last time i saw my psychiatrist he thought that it was probably a side effect of the combination of meds that i'm on, but since then it's got worse. now he'll probably say the same thing, but i'm not sure that going to a normal doctor would help either - a lot of money and probably the answer that i should ask my psychiatrist again. i also do not want to think seriously about changing meds, if meds are the cause of this. i've been relatively stable for over a year now on the same meds, and it's just an awkward thing to weigh up whether better mental health is worth constantly feeling like i'm floating.

i'm meeting a friend for coffee this afternoon, and it's someone i went a long time without talking to. he actually blocked me on all social media, but recently a coincidence led to him being friendly towards me again. i have been friendly back but still feel ambivalent. he said it would be nice to have coffee to catch up. i said yes but now i feel like i would rather just be polite acquaintances than get involved in a full friendship again. i didn't miss him when he wasn't talking to me. i don't know what to do. i know that if i'm honest he will probably react the way he did previously: big emotional breakdown, block me on everything, nurse a grudge for a long time.

today i've also just been getting really angry, and in the past few days i've felt really depressed again.

((((Nikon)))) It's hard to weigh the side effects of the meds with how you feel on them. But since you had been feeling stable for a year that makes it harder. Is there anything particular that has contributed to you feeling really depressed in the last couple of days?

i've felt isolated in a way, because i don't have a therapist to bounce those thoughts off of. i've been emailing my psychiatrist a lot and feel like i shouldn't email more. for the past week i've had to do a lot of babysitting for a family member and spending time there has not been pleasant. work stress has also just reached a bit of a breaking point. i'm not a great people person but work is just answering the phone and interacting with people all day. luckily i've just stepped down from almost full time to two days a week, but my anger has been threatening to burst through when i'm at work, which leaves me wanting to be self-destructive after work.

((((Nikon)))) Are you looking for a therapist? It's great that your PDOC lets you email, that's a great resource to have. I'm sorry you are having to babysit and that work is getting stressful. I hope that stepping down to two days a week will take away some of the stress. Do you like to go to workout or take a run or anything? That can be a good stress reliever. Or just put on some music and dance after work that way you get something "out" but you also get those endorphins going. Try to be kind to yourself.

(((((((( hugs ))))))))

i am, although i could be looking harder. next week i see a dietitian who helps with my eating disorder recovery and i'm going to ask her for suggestions too. luckily this morning i started a team sport, first time, and it was great. it has started my day off much better! i feel a bit on edge, like "what if i sink into sadness later?" but right now i'm feeling much better. thanks

I hope you'll be able to find a new therapist soon.

thanks for the support everyone.

my work has been cut down so i have more free time, and although i'm grateful for the break, i'm sitting at home feeling pointless and empty. i've been painting and working on photographs, but my concentration wears out after a couple of hours. i am going to work out today and i need to go shopping, but there's still that part of me that wishes something bad would happen to me. even while i'm thinking that, another part of me says that's such a stupid thing to think, and it's illogical. a lot of the time i just crave being out of my own mind. a lot of the time it feels like i see and feel everything through a screen, so that all my experiences are partially numbed. i often look at other people and wish i could be them, even when they look unhappy, because i imagine that they experience things more "real" than i do. i know this is also illogical and i wouldn't enjoy being someone else who is unhappy.