My Support Forums - View Single Post - Couch 179: Even-numbered days in a year

Lemoncake · Sep 25, 2018, 08:55 AM

Back from therapy and I wish it went better. I don't feel like i want to go back right now.

Possible trigger:

I take the train when I see R and have to change once then it's just 8 straight stops from there. Two stops away from where I get off they stopped the train.They made an announcement that there was an incident four stops back, I stayed on for maybe 5 mins before I got off. A member of staff said the line had been stopped in both directions because of a suicide. I asked for directions on how to get to the station I normally get off at. I got on a bus which arrived with 20 mins intervals so i got on at 10:20. I don't have internet on my phone and didn't have any credit to call him. I stopped at a pizza express to use the wifi but just connecting took time. I tried to get his number from his website but wasted 8 mins doing that.So just decided to walk on instead

I arrived 20 mins late. Being late to anything makes me anxious and I'd began to cry on along the road to his. He opens the door. I was crying and I just sat down without saying anything. I didn't think to apologize or explain right away why I was late which he brought up. I said it didn't matter as I was here now.

He asked why I was there? I'd said that I hated him and I came late.

Said I liked wasting money and that I had more money than sense. Then he said his too.

I asked for clarification.

He said I wasn't going to pay for the sessions that I'd missed. ( i emailed him
and told him why I couldn't come) .

i said I told you i was taking a break and that he had already had a real job and therapy was a bit on the side (he mainly works for a suicide prevention charity).

He said so it didn't matter? Why was I there again?

Then I said something like maybe he thought I was wasting his time, that he should get some real clients.

Said that I wanted to see him before I left. He linked that to me not wanting to be forgotten.

I told him I had told my parents that I was meeting up with a girl from my first university. How did I feel about not being my authentic self?

I said I didn't care.

He said I surly, and not willing to work.

I asked him to define surly.

He gave synonyms, to which I replied back I thought his knowledge of the thesaurus was good. He said i was mocking him.

I cried more and said I hated him as much as I hated him and as much as I hated her. Then the thing with the train and I didn't know how to get back. All anyone really cared about was being late. Nobody really cared.

I asked him who my favorite poet was?

Why are we talking about poetry?

I asked when my birthday was?

He was quite for both then asked what I had proved.

I said it was the small things for me and did he realize that it would be two years that I'd been seeing him on december the 16th yet I still didn't trust him.

He asked if I trusted anyone? I said my brother and sister only.

Then that I didn't tell her about my stuff but i listened to her. (my 15 year old sister).

He commented that I wasn't thinking right with my panicked brain.

Then he asked then he said why didn't I talk? Then led with that I'd wanted to talk to him about something in particular, but didn't see the point as I wouldn't have the time to proccess it.

I said I wanted to tell why I was sad the last time he asked me. Why don't you tell me or was I going to wait until the end? .

I used a quote "the best laid plains of mice and men off go arwy" in between that and that if left an hour and half early and I wasn't ever normally late and at waited at the bus stop near his home.

He said he wasn't saying that.

I began to cry more. I didn't expect extra time to be added on to my session but he got up and stood near the door whist i was still putting my shoes back on. He didnt do anything wrong there but I felt rushed out, normally he says I can have a few moments if i'm still crying.