TOMI: To tell the truth, I wouldn't have the goal of changing others. I used to want that soooo much! I've outgrown it, however, very painfully and slowly.

I will give you a hint. He/she who has the money-status-power is the one who is the model for the children. Even if the one without those assets is an angel, the children will follow the lead of the survivor and strong one, not the relatively powerless and emotionally injured partner. Well, remember that you asked.

So, the name of the game is to CHANGE OURSELVES instead of trying to change others.

I respectfully disagree that what matters is that Jerry loves you. What matters is that you love you, and that you feel in control of your own life, and that you study the ways of finance and business and the politics of power --- until you have absolute confidence in yourself, while showing all due respect and courtesy to others in the process. It's hard work, but nothing else is so much worth it.

Why? It's my belief that only an empowered woman can hold her own in relationships. And you don't need to "care" what mind games others play --- you can take them or leave them --- because there are more important issues in your life. You can walk in or out of a room --- and let them eat their hearts out --- because they see your confidence and grace and courtesy. Because they see you are unaffected by smallmindedness and will not stoop to even acknowledge it. They will see that you need nothing from anyone, not emotionally and not materially, that you are self-sufficient. That's the day they will respect you.

In the past, I have been a BEGGAR in the areas of material assets, communication in relationships, and in the area of being informed and equipped to deal with life on my own.

The alternative is to be EMPOWERED. That's a lifelong job. Noone else can do it for you. Noone else can give it to you. And noone can stop you if you are determined to have it. Accepting anything less is agreeing to your own 2nd-class citizenship and permanently one-down position (emotionally and materially) in all relationships.

I will take respect every time. And I know I have to earn it. The first task is to earn my own respect. I'm still working very hard to unlearn my bad depression habits and negative attitudes. @#*&% what others are or aren't doing! I'm the problem. And when I've graduated from finishing school, they will have to respectfully negotiate with me.

Remember...the first rule is...never negotiate except from a position of power. Ignore the games of others while you are building your power base. Go about your business of becoming strong, informed, and self-sufficient. Then, you can set the terms for relationships. Or let people go if they don't accept your reasonable terms and boundaries. In the meantime, emotionally detach from anyone who makes you feel dragged down.

That doesn't mean to walk away from a relationship you "need" in order to have stability while you are building your power base. That simply means to "emotionally" not physically detach yourself from that person. It can be done. A woman can say POOF...from this day onward I shall have no expectations, and these people cannot hurt me in any way. All of the intensity of my previously misguided emotions shall from this day onward be appropriately redirected into my own self-improvement. SHAZAAAAAM! And it works.

Tomi --- I'm terrible, totally uncompromising, and glad of it. But that's just my present personality. Comes from having been a doormat too long, I fear. You need to do what's right for your own personality, not mine.

First, know yourself. I think I have to work through my fearful and damaged self by acknowledging it, by fully feeling what's painful and unacceptable to me. Only then can I modify it. I can decide to keep some of my flaws because I can turn them into assets, perhaps junking the more offensive ones, and absolutely wallowing in a few that I have no intention of giving up. And people can take me just like that. Or not. LOL But your approach and course will be different, because you are you and not me. Well.....you asked!

Adieu