When it rains, it pours... (second try!!)

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Katt & Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thanks for the hugs. They really help make me feel cared about.

TOMI: To tell the truth, I wouldn't have the goal of changing others. I used to want that soooo much! I've outgrown it, however, very painfully and slowly.

I will give you a hint. He/she who has the money-status-power is the one who is the model for the children. Even if the one without those assets is an angel, the children will follow the lead of the survivor and strong one, not the relatively powerless and emotionally injured partner. Well, remember that you asked.

So, the name of the game is to CHANGE OURSELVES instead of trying to change others.

I respectfully disagree that what matters is that Jerry loves you. What matters is that you love you, and that you feel in control of your own life, and that you study the ways of finance and business and the politics of power --- until you have absolute confidence in yourself, while showing all due respect and courtesy to others in the process. It's hard work, but nothing else is so much worth it.

Why? It's my belief that only an empowered woman can hold her own in relationships. And you don't need to "care" what mind games others play --- you can take them or leave them --- because there are more important issues in your life. You can walk in or out of a room --- and let them eat their hearts out --- because they see your confidence and grace and courtesy. Because they see you are unaffected by smallmindedness and will not stoop to even acknowledge it. They will see that you need nothing from anyone, not emotionally and not materially, that you are self-sufficient. That's the day they will respect you.

In the past, I have been a BEGGAR in the areas of material assets, communication in relationships, and in the area of being informed and equipped to deal with life on my own.

The alternative is to be EMPOWERED. That's a lifelong job. Noone else can do it for you. Noone else can give it to you. And noone can stop you if you are determined to have it. Accepting anything less is agreeing to your own 2nd-class citizenship and permanently one-down position (emotionally and materially) in all relationships.

I will take respect every time. And I know I have to earn it. The first task is to earn my own respect. I'm still working very hard to unlearn my bad depression habits and negative attitudes. @#*&% what others are or aren't doing! I'm the problem. And when I've graduated from finishing school, they will have to respectfully negotiate with me.

Remember...the first rule is...never negotiate except from a position of power. Ignore the games of others while you are building your power base. Go about your business of becoming strong, informed, and self-sufficient. Then, you can set the terms for relationships. Or let people go if they don't accept your reasonable terms and boundaries. In the meantime, emotionally detach from anyone who makes you feel dragged down.

That doesn't mean to walk away from a relationship you "need" in order to have stability while you are building your power base. That simply means to "emotionally" not physically detach yourself from that person. It can be done. A woman can say POOF...from this day onward I shall have no expectations, and these people cannot hurt me in any way. All of the intensity of my previously misguided emotions shall from this day onward be appropriately redirected into my own self-improvement. SHAZAAAAAM! And it works.

Tomi --- I'm terrible, totally uncompromising, and glad of it. But that's just my present personality. Comes from having been a doormat too long, I fear. You need to do what's right for your own personality, not mine.

First, know yourself. I think I have to work through my fearful and damaged self by acknowledging it, by fully feeling what's painful and unacceptable to me. Only then can I modify it. I can decide to keep some of my flaws because I can turn them into assets, perhaps junking the more offensive ones, and absolutely wallowing in a few that I have no intention of giving up. And people can take me just like that. Or not. LOL But your approach and course will be different, because you are you and not me. Well.....you asked!

Adieu

Thanks, Adieu! Your post is very powerful. I feel pretty much the way you do. Maybe I seem pitifull because I'm talking about my family, but my sense of self is not that of not being empowered. On the contrary. Three out of four of my kids are afraid of getting into a discussion with me. I used to run over anyone that didn't agree with me. Say what? Yes, that's why my oldest son is like he is. He's his mother's child. His past/old mother. Not his present mother. For the most part, I keep my mouth shut when we disagree but he got my dander up this time because he was so into his anger and self-inflicted disappointment that I just had to speak up. He prefered his feelings rather than to accept the truth of what happened.

I've got one question, though. I don't remember bringing up anyones financial status, but I might have. I'm not sure where finances come into the equation other than his boys have everything and more. His oldest had a Mac computer when he was FIVE! What the heck is left to a grandmother to buy?? My son is very close to being a millionare and I'm damned proud of him, but there's no way I can, even in my wildest dreams, hope to come anywhere close! I'm 61 and disabled and refuse to play the Lotto.

I'm not trying to change my son or anyone else. I learned that painful lesson a long time ago. All I would like to accomplish is for him to accept the fact that there are other perspectives besides HIS. He has made up his mind that I stayed away from his son's birthday party out of my own stupidity and stubborness. He won't accept the fact that it just could be a breakdown in communications. Of course, this is just ONE example of the problems he and I have. Only HE has the RIGHT answers and the rest of us humans are stupid, liars and crazy.

Everyday I struggle with my self-esteem, but I'm at least comfortable in my own skin. I like who I am inside, even with the faults I have. My oldest son used to intimidate me... until this last argument we had. In finding my voice and shedding the intimidation I felt, I realized just how far I've come and how stuck he still is in the old family dynamics. For not having lived with his father, he sure mimics him all too well! I've already admitted to not being then who I am now. GAWD! I wish I had it to do over knowing then what I know now! It's funny but it's sad, too.

Adieu, I really like your spirit and I like what you posted. If you're up to it, and if you understood my present ramblings, I'd like to discuss this with you again.

I'm going to keep these words of yours next to my heart:

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You can walk in or out of a room --- and let them eat their hearts out --- because they see your confidence and grace and courtesy. Because they see you are unaffected by smallmindedness and will not stoop to even acknowledge it.

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