This is just an incoherent rant. I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I just feel like I need to get some of this out of me, get it out there, and feel like maybe somebody is listening. I think my friends are sick of listening to me, as am I, but I need to get this out and hopefully it will help for a bit.

I'm just really not doing good lately. I'm miserable. I'm so lonely. I hate being by myself. If I'm with one of my few friends then I'm distracted enough to feel ok. Then when I'm alone I'm just miserable. I hate being single again. I have not having someone around. I hate that I've been completely crapped on by him, yet still miss him, and then have to question whether it's him I miss or just another body being around all the time. I suspect the latter, which makes me feel like a pathetic &*#$ and makes me hate myself even more. When did I become this pathetic, needy person who thinks so little of himself that I need a constant stream of praise and approval and validation to feel remotely decent?

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going to therapy, but T can't make me like myself, or make me feel less lonely. I know I should find things to do to keep myself busy - new hobbies, new activities, something. So I'm trying that, sorta. I'm trying to sign up for a potter class. Ok, great, but I still haven't actually signed up, and I don't even care at the moment. I was going to join a gym and quit smoking, but I can't find the motivation to do that, to even try. I feel like I can't even breathe at times yet I'm still puffing away and don't care enough to even try to stop.

I signed up on meetup.com to try to meet people with similar interests. I went to one thing last week and it was good. Met this guy who seems nice. So of course my mind is going into the relationship place, not the friend place. I should be trying to make friends, but if it's a guy my mind first considers romantic options, and I don't know how to stop that. I've always been like that. And I know I'm in no shape for a relationship right now, but it still doesn't stop me from wanting one and probably won't stop me from starting one if the situation arises. And then of course he hasn't called, so it's just one more name to add to the list of people rejecting me.

I have no clue what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, but I have no motivation or energy to do it. I'm tired all the time because I can barely sleep, and when I do I wake up really stiff and tense. I've tried to meditate a big before bed but I can't seem to manage it. I know all this stuff takes "work," but I don't know what that means. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, or how I'm supposed to find the motivation or energy to do it.

Just to be clear, this is not a suicidal post. I don't plan on doing that so I don't want this taken that way. But I really wish I was dead! I won't do it myself, for several reasons, but I wish someone would do it for me. There are times when I fantasize about being at a bank during a robbery and getting shot, or someone pushing me off the subway platform in front of a train, or something falling and crushing me as I walk down the street unsuspecting. Something quick, hopefully something I don't even see coming. Just an end to this, because I don't know how else to make this pain stop and it's becoming more and more difficult to find any reason to want to keep going.

All the "progress" I was making seems to be out the window. I was trying to keep it all together, stay strong or something, and get to a point where I could finally move out of the old place, away from the ex's stuff, and have my own safe place where he's never been and I don't have to see the chair he sat in, or the bowl he used, or the place in the kitchen where our dogs would be fed, the dogs that he now has and I don't. I have that now - my own place - and I still hurt, and I miss him, and I miss them, and what happened wasn't fair, and I don't think I deserve to be treated like that. But I was, and I feel totally damaged and destroyed and beyond repair. It hurts so much and I don't know how to make it stop. And it's really very little consolation to know that my feelings are normal, and that "it takes time" and all of that. I want it to stop now. It's been 3 months and it still kills me. In certain ways I feel like the pain is just starting really. I spend months being angry, and that shielded me somewhat, but now it's all just hurt and pain.

I don't know what else to say.