Not doing good

This is just an incoherent rant. I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I just feel like I need to get some of this out of me, get it out there, and feel like maybe somebody is listening. I think my friends are sick of listening to me, as am I, but I need to get this out and hopefully it will help for a bit.

I'm just really not doing good lately. I'm miserable. I'm so lonely. I hate being by myself. If I'm with one of my few friends then I'm distracted enough to feel ok. Then when I'm alone I'm just miserable. I hate being single again. I have not having someone around. I hate that I've been completely crapped on by him, yet still miss him, and then have to question whether it's him I miss or just another body being around all the time. I suspect the latter, which makes me feel like a pathetic &*#$ and makes me hate myself even more. When did I become this pathetic, needy person who thinks so little of himself that I need a constant stream of praise and approval and validation to feel remotely decent?

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going to therapy, but T can't make me like myself, or make me feel less lonely. I know I should find things to do to keep myself busy - new hobbies, new activities, something. So I'm trying that, sorta. I'm trying to sign up for a potter class. Ok, great, but I still haven't actually signed up, and I don't even care at the moment. I was going to join a gym and quit smoking, but I can't find the motivation to do that, to even try. I feel like I can't even breathe at times yet I'm still puffing away and don't care enough to even try to stop.

I signed up on meetup.com to try to meet people with similar interests. I went to one thing last week and it was good. Met this guy who seems nice. So of course my mind is going into the relationship place, not the friend place. I should be trying to make friends, but if it's a guy my mind first considers romantic options, and I don't know how to stop that. I've always been like that. And I know I'm in no shape for a relationship right now, but it still doesn't stop me from wanting one and probably won't stop me from starting one if the situation arises. And then of course he hasn't called, so it's just one more name to add to the list of people rejecting me.

I have no clue what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, but I have no motivation or energy to do it. I'm tired all the time because I can barely sleep, and when I do I wake up really stiff and tense. I've tried to meditate a big before bed but I can't seem to manage it. I know all this stuff takes "work," but I don't know what that means. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, or how I'm supposed to find the motivation or energy to do it.

Just to be clear, this is not a suicidal post. I don't plan on doing that so I don't want this taken that way. But I really wish I was dead! I won't do it myself, for several reasons, but I wish someone would do it for me. There are times when I fantasize about being at a bank during a robbery and getting shot, or someone pushing me off the subway platform in front of a train, or something falling and crushing me as I walk down the street unsuspecting. Something quick, hopefully something I don't even see coming. Just an end to this, because I don't know how else to make this pain stop and it's becoming more and more difficult to find any reason to want to keep going.

All the "progress" I was making seems to be out the window. I was trying to keep it all together, stay strong or something, and get to a point where I could finally move out of the old place, away from the ex's stuff, and have my own safe place where he's never been and I don't have to see the chair he sat in, or the bowl he used, or the place in the kitchen where our dogs would be fed, the dogs that he now has and I don't. I have that now - my own place - and I still hurt, and I miss him, and I miss them, and what happened wasn't fair, and I don't think I deserve to be treated like that. But I was, and I feel totally damaged and destroyed and beyond repair. It hurts so much and I don't know how to make it stop. And it's really very little consolation to know that my feelings are normal, and that "it takes time" and all of that. I want it to stop now. It's been 3 months and it still kills me. In certain ways I feel like the pain is just starting really. I spend months being angry, and that shielded me somewhat, but now it's all just hurt and pain.

I don't know what else to say.

hi Evenmore... thats a lot there so i'm just gonna work with a part of it....

first, i hope ranting helped... its good to get it 'out there' ... writing is one way ...

Evenmore said:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I hate that I've been completely crapped on by him, yet still miss him, and then have to question whether it's him I miss or just another body being around all the time. I suspect the latter, which makes me feel like a pathetic &*#$ and makes me hate myself even more. When did I become this pathetic, needy person who thinks so little of himself that I need a constant stream of praise and approval and validation to feel remotely decent?

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imo, this does not make you pathetic in the least... if anything i see strength because you are rebelling against the pain... kudos.....

second, you are not worthless and never will be.. the actions in your life up to date have impacted others, and it is all good from a growing perspective...

this pain and isolation you feel can be left behind as you spiral up to your own stated goals.... dont give up your dreams... i know its been said a million times.... for a reason...

you came and posted and 'got it out there' ... i am glad you found us, or we found you.. whichever.... your voice has been heard.....

dont cry alone... you are not...... ever, tho it may seem that way... you are not alone..... there are many who suffer.... we come to congregate here.... i hope you find healing in all your attempts.....

EML you are not in the least bit pathetic, you're a really nice, kind and definately funny guy!

I wish i had magic words that you could say so it would all go away but all i can hope is that you do give yourself the time and the right to admit that not only have you broken up with someone you love but you were also put in danger by that person - that would make a big dent in anyones trust issues!

You're not going to just carry on with everything like nothing has happened, you're whole life has been changed....but that doesn't mean it hasn't changed for the better! Mmmm....motivation? where do we find that? To be honest i don't actually know, but at one point i had to actually say the words - i am going to try again. Only after that did i start to do what i should be doing. But then begs the question how do you get to that point??...

I'll send you some motivational vibes and a few cyber hugs to keep you going for a bit.


Take care.

I just wanted to say thanks to you guys. Your words of support helped. I had a rough night, but decided to just sorta wallow in it, and the next day I felt a lot better. Still feel all those things, but it's not so overwhelming right now.

Anyway, thanks again!

that is good to hear Evenmore : )

rants are okay.

&#@$!!!!!!!!!

I just read this post again. Aside from the typos, I still feel exactly the same way, if not worse. It's been 2 weeks since I wrote that, and I don't feel any better. I feel worse. I can't handle this. I know I have to feel this pain, and not suppress it, not distract myself from it, just let it hit me and find a way to live through it. But I can't. It hurts so much. Every day is such a struggle to get through. I have no joy in my life - nothing even coming close. I feel so hopeless. I don't know how I'm going to make it.

I still haven't received a reply from the ex. It's not worth getting into the details here, but we've had some contact over the last month - essentially saying that there are things each of us need to say to each other, but aren't ready yet. Well, I wrote to him 2 1/2 weeks ago, saying various things - I felt like I was really putting myself out there, more than I have since this all first happened. I even suggested we have a session with our therapists to talk about some of this stuff. Still no reply from him. And it really hurts.

I can't even get angry with him about it. I want to, but I can't. His first contact with me (on V-day!) really softened me, and the anger isn't as present anymore. It's just pain. He has said that my emails to him have stirred up a lot of emotions in him and he needs time to process them - and that was from emails where I didn't feel I really said anything much. This last one was probably more difficult to hear for him, so a delayed response isn't surprising. But still, I need to hear something. I put myself out there and I'm just hanging now. At least a "I'm still thinking about what you said. I'll write soon." But no, not even that much.

So now, for the last 2 1/2 weeks, every time I feel my phone vibrate, indicating a new email, I get excited, thinking it's from him. I don't know if excited is the right word. I'm just really on edge, waiting for a reply, nervous for it, and yeah, maybe excited by it, and it's exhausting and stressful. I know he'll respond, I eventually. It's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm in limbo. I feel like I can't really move forward in any way, because I know once he writes back I'll be set back again. So I'm just waiting here, in limbo, for this all to be over.

I know some will say I should just sever all ties to him completely. I've considered this at length. I want to, but I'm not ready to right now. I really do feel like there are things that we need to say to one another - I want to say these things, and I think I want to hear these things (though I am scared to).

Oh yeah, and I quit smoking. And then I didn't anymore. And I feel like complete crap about that now too.

Jeez - it's all just too much. I can't deal anymore. There's too much to fix and I don't have the energy to do it. I have a lifetime of depression to fix, and also find a way to deal with this major thing that happened, and all the other things that have happened before this. It's too much!! Where do you even start?? Ugh...

Sorry for the whine again.

((((EvenMoreLost)))))

I really feel for you, the evils of the internet are often shown in times like these. I have had the same kinda experiences (albeit lesser in situation) and i have felt such anger at lack of response, that feeling of living waiting to hear what that person may say.....its draining. I feel for you so much.

Again i wish i had magic words for you but all i have is a willingness to listen. Its hard trying to keep it altogether, go to work, keep eating etc when all this is happening around you. Are you still going to your therapist - are you still getting the chance to talk it over? I honestly believe the need to ponder things and chat things through, so that very slowly bits and pieces become intergrated....maybe not solved but put into the past.

It seems like you have moved forward though, you have moved from anger to sadness. I know that doesn't seem like the best forward movement but it is definately the next start to healing. Anger just hurts us more...sadness can consume us but i know in time that will lift too, i just wish i could tell you when!

I wish i could think of a way to distract you from the reply to your message, a way to get yourself to a place where when he does email back you aren't set back again. But i think that would involve disintagling yourself from the situation and that can only take time passing and new things coming into your life. I hope someone else can offer you a solution to this, i never did find a solution except at the end of my situation i decided that whatever was said back to me would be recognising the patheticness of the words....and realising that the person was not who i thought them to be. But i dunno if this even applies to your case.

Gosh i am not being helpful at all am i?! I'm so sorry, i know the last 2 weeks may have felt like a long time with all the pain you are feeling but you have made it through them! What an achievement! Sometimes we do not give ourselves the right to see how much we are doing - there have been points in my life when getting through the day, however badly was an achievement.

I pray that he replies soon and you get the closure on all of this. And i am sending you many cyber hugs, you can pm me anytime if you want to rant or whine....take care of yourself. And give yourself a treat for getting through the last 2 weeks!! ((((EML)))))

EML, never worry about whining here. It's probably the one place we all have where that's perfectly ok.

You're obviously a smart guy and you've done your homework. You're doing all the things you're supposed to do. In fact, you're so smart that you even know the ultimate outcome to all of this, which is that the cliches will prove true and time will heal your wounds. But knowing how all of this works doesn't ease the pain you're in right now and you have my complete sympathy.

My only advice is to suffer through as best you can by focusing on tiny things that make you a little bit happy. Or at least, a little bit distracted. While it's true, you do need to feel all of this in order to process it, you're doing therapy and all that so time has been sufficiently allocated to inner turmoil. The rest of the time I think is best spent treating yourself to a few guilty pleasures to get you through. I think this is why women eat lots of ice cream after a breakup.

I hope things get sorted out with your ex and I hope you feel better soon.

Cyran0

Thanks a lot guys! Your replies did help (though another email I received from a friend shortly after sorta knocked me back down a bit, but that's another story).

I guess I just need some understanding, and some validation, and to not feel that I'm doing everything wrong and am failing miserable at this whole "healing" thing. Which is generally how I feel, and that ends up making me feel even worse, of course.

Abby - yes, you are being helpful! Thank you! Yes, I am still seeing my T. It's tough though, because I go in there with one thing that's upsetting me, and then end up somewhere else. It's not that I'm complaining - it's interesting I guess. I dunno. Yesterday I went in miserable, lonely, thinking about the S word a lot, thinking about the ex, and ended up talking about my childhood and distant relationship with my dad. Strange. It's good I guess, but I left feeling like some of the other junk didn't get out, but it's the stuff that I've already discussed there many times and I guess part of me gets frustrated that I spend money and the 50-minutes per week I have with her going over the same stuff over and over.

And what you said about your situation, and "patheticness of the words" and realizing that the person isn't who you thought they were - yes, I think that applies here. I haven't heard all of his words yet, but I expect them to be insufficient and inadequate and to prove that he's the big loser that I suspect he is, though that hurts too. I don't think he's capable of saying anything that can make any of this better, but I'm willing to listen and hope, and maybe it will be good to maybe hear nothing relevant from him and to just walk away finally. We'll see. I'm so tempted to contact him again and say "reply already!! WTF??" but I know I shouldn't. At least not yet.

Cyrano - thank you! I'm a man, but I'm a sucker for ice cream too (the vegan kind). And cookies. And amasake. And chips and hummus, strangely. I think I need to find some other guilty pleasures that don't involve food.