I am so sorry. I have had these feelings too; I think a lot of people on this board have felt that way. Sometimes, I just have to focus on getting through the day or even just the hour. Do you have prn meds for anxiety or moments like this that might give you some temporary relief? Can you do anything for yourself to help you relax like a hot bath, with bath salts or Epsom salt if you have it, burn a candle, read a magazine, just go someplace to get out of your home awhile, a library, a coffeehouse, anywhere even a store if overspending is not a problem for you (like I cannot do a store, I overspend all the time)?

The gratitude journal is a good idea. It doesn't even have to be gratitude really, like just one small good or positive, funny, or strange thing you see. For example (and this really did happen to me), one day I was jogging, and I ran past a man riding a unicycle in the street, definitely something one doesn't see every day, totally unexpected. Once, I walked past a place where someone had carved a smiley face into the road while the concrete was still wet and it had dried there. Or sometimes you find something in the clouds or in nature, even a funny TV show or YouTube video. Just something to show you life isn't worthless? Your life does matter, though I know you probably question it often because I have times too where I'm like, what is the point, even? Sometimes, I feel I have no purpose at all, but you are a mom, your son does need you even if you think he doesn't act like it. I tell myself that about my daughter too. She is so much closer to H, both because he is mentally stable and they have more similar interests. I'm like she's got H, what do I matter? But I know in my heart she's better off having her mother than not having one and having me as healthy & stable mentally as I can get, and even though I am far from a perfect mom, there are lots of worse mothers out there. And if your son doesn't have your H to lean on, he needs someone.

I am praying things will get better for you