so I don't spam the board

Victoria'smom · Dec 14, 2018, 11:14 PM

what's a nice way to say "I hate you. We waste each others time. Give me a T that isn't my husband's or my son's. If not I'll go somewhere else."?

~Christina · Dec 15, 2018, 03:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

what's a nice way to say "I hate you. We waste each others time. Give me a T that isn't my husband's or my son's. If not I'll go somewhere else."?

Hu???? Are you okay ?

Wild Coyote · Dec 15, 2018, 03:39 AM

(((((( MM ))))))

I hope you can get things sorted out.

WC

Victoria'smom · Dec 15, 2018, 03:29 PM

Are you okay ? Honestly I don't know. I hate my ex/current T and I don't know how to nicely tell her I am unwilling to work with her and I can't work with the same T my husband or son have. If there is no more T's in that office than I will go back to my old clinic. I'm so stressed about this. I'm honestly thinking about not going back to therapy but pnure really wants me to see one. Pnures can only see me 2-5x a year. I know I'm not making sence.

Victoria'smom · Dec 17, 2018, 12:53 PM

My ex T was over booked so I'm getting another T.

Victoria'smom · Dec 17, 2018, 01:20 PM

I talked to my husband about my scars and not wanted him to see them and I don't want his pity. He told me he's see them (obviously he has to help me dress in the morning). That he doesn't pity me he gets rather pissed at me honestly. Is it bad that I would rather that?

BeyondtheRainbow · Dec 17, 2018, 02:36 PM

I think that's pretty normal. I'd rather people feel a lot of things for me besides pity.

I'm glad you are getting a new therapist without going through the last one.

Victoria'smom · Dec 17, 2018, 06:44 PM

So I saw the new T. We had to do all the paperwork again. She didn't like that I was going to wait until next month to see her. She was kinda upset that I stop therapy at all. By the end of intake I was shaking. I told her that I don't like therapy because I always feel what ever I say will get me hospitalized. She confirmed my fears. So we'll see. I couldn't show her my letter because she initially said if I'm a threat to myself or others or abuse.

~Christina · Dec 17, 2018, 08:37 PM

Confirmed your fears how ?

Victoria'smom · Dec 17, 2018, 09:13 PM

She did the whole "Everything you say is confidential except if your a danger to yourself or others or abuse is suspected." So there was no way in hell I was showing what I wrote to pdoc.

Victoria'smom · Dec 17, 2018, 09:37 PM

She also kept referring to my head noise as voices. I didn't tell her my thoughts are more bothersome. We have time for me to get into that. I am doing a mood/event/ thought chart. I don't know if I'll show her but at least it's a try.

Wild Coyote · Dec 18, 2018, 02:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

She also kept referring to my head noise as voices. I didn't tell her my thoughts are more bothersome. We have time for me to get into that. I am doing a mood/event/ thought chart. I don't know if I'll show her but at least it's a try.

I do understand your fear of being sent to inpatient when feeling so badly.
I have the same/similar fear. I have a new pdoc/therapist and I don't yet feel comfortable, not knowing them well enough to be 100% honest. I am hoping I will feel comfortable sharing more in the near future.

I hope your charting helps you out!

Is the holiday season making things worse for you?

Please stay safe.

WC

Victoria'smom · Dec 18, 2018, 02:11 PM

I've have less meltdowns since we increased my zypexa. I don't know if the holidays makes me worse. I'm holding back on what I say in my mood chart because I'm going to give it to here.

Victoria'smom · Dec 18, 2018, 11:33 PM

I took an ambien because I can't deal with life right now. It feels like they hate me. I know it's not true that they're just being but it still hurts.

Victoria'smom · Dec 19, 2018, 06:55 PM

I've realized it maybe more then "past ED". That's why I'm so sensitive about it. Trying to wrap my head around no ed voice and still having an ed. Plus I'm over weight. What anorexic is over weight? I can't even do that right. My husband and son are not really speaking to me. So I can't really tell how they are feeling or if they take their meds. I need to focus on myself. My son blames me for not playing cards with him but he always looks busy and he doesn't ask. I guess I'll ask daily and not feel hurt when he rejects me.

Victoria'smom · Dec 20, 2018, 12:21 AM

I hate my life and it's a good one.

Wild Coyote · Dec 20, 2018, 02:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I hate my life and it's a good one.

Does it help to make a gratitude list/journal?
I do this at times and try to focus on the good things in my life.

Thinking of you and your family.

WC

Blueberrybook · Dec 20, 2018, 06:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I've realized it maybe more then "past ED". That's why I'm so sensitive about it. Trying to wrap my head around no ed voice and still having an ed. Plus I'm over weight. What anorexic is over weight? I can't even do that right. My husband and son are not really speaking to me. So I can't really tell how they are feeling or if they take their meds. I need to focus on myself. My son blames me for not playing cards with him but he always looks busy and he doesn't ask. I guess I'll ask daily and not feel hurt when he rejects me.

I totally get the ED stuff. I wish it would go away permanently, but it never has for me, though at times it is less often or powerful than others. I feel like I'm a joke of an anorexic too as I actually do eat but overexercise the calories off, so it's diagnosed as anorexia, purging type, which everyone thinks means I throw up, which is not the case at all. Sometimes, I wonder, is it a real ED? I am underweight, but not that much (though my head tells me I am fat). I dread New Year's, all the resolutions people make to lose weight, all the Facebook posts my feed gets about weight loss, calories, exercise every year, and I feel like I should have a weight loss resolution too. I hate that the ED has gotten worse (or the ED voices/urges louder & more urgent lately). Some people may get over it 100%, but I don't think I ever will.

You are right that you need to take care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of anyone else. Your husband is an adult, and he is the one making the choices he makes, not you.

I hope you are able to find a T you are comfortable with or that you get more comfortable with the new T. I've started & given up on therapy so many times. I've had T's not even want to start with me because of the number of past T's I've had and rejected. And redoing the intake paperwork is such a pain. You have to keep repeating everything and each time add to it as more crap has come down on you. I feel like I should just type up a list and add to that so I don't have to keep repeating stuff and turn that in instead of the stupid intake papers. But of course, there's also all the address/phone number/emergency contact/PCP/insurance stuff every time too and sometimes that changes; well, the insurance does for me a lot but the address & phone number (especially when I didn't yet have a cell phone) did too when I was in college and grad school & when H and I lived in an apartment and then a house. It was a lot of moves (though in the same general area) in the space of a few years.

MickeyCheeky · Dec 20, 2018, 07:14 AM

Sending many hugs to you, Miguel'smom

Blueberrybook · Dec 20, 2018, 07:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I hate my life and it's a good one.

I am so sorry. I have had these feelings too; I think a lot of people on this board have felt that way. Sometimes, I just have to focus on getting through the day or even just the hour. Do you have prn meds for anxiety or moments like this that might give you some temporary relief? Can you do anything for yourself to help you relax like a hot bath, with bath salts or Epsom salt if you have it, burn a candle, read a magazine, just go someplace to get out of your home awhile, a library, a coffeehouse, anywhere even a store if overspending is not a problem for you (like I cannot do a store, I overspend all the time)?

The gratitude journal is a good idea. It doesn't even have to be gratitude really, like just one small good or positive, funny, or strange thing you see. For example (and this really did happen to me), one day I was jogging, and I ran past a man riding a unicycle in the street, definitely something one doesn't see every day, totally unexpected. Once, I walked past a place where someone had carved a smiley face into the road while the concrete was still wet and it had dried there. Or sometimes you find something in the clouds or in nature, even a funny TV show or YouTube video. Just something to show you life isn't worthless? Your life does matter, though I know you probably question it often because I have times too where I'm like, what is the point, even? Sometimes, I feel I have no purpose at all, but you are a mom, your son does need you even if you think he doesn't act like it. I tell myself that about my daughter too. She is so much closer to H, both because he is mentally stable and they have more similar interests. I'm like she's got H, what do I matter? But I know in my heart she's better off having her mother than not having one and having me as healthy & stable mentally as I can get, and even though I am far from a perfect mom, there are lots of worse mothers out there. And if your son doesn't have your H to lean on, he needs someone.

I am praying things will get better for you

Victoria'smom · Dec 20, 2018, 02:59 PM

gratitude list/journal I'm looking it up now.

I wonder, is it a real ED? I'm just going to ask my T when I get use to her. I've already wrote I don't want to talk about my ED. I've made a list of things I forgot at intake. I wont let her keeping it and I'm only putting wanting to "hurt myself" instead actually way I want to in my mood chart. I don't think I have an ED but soda and boneless skinless chicken tenders is all I eat.

I feel like I should just type up a list and add to that so I don't have to keep repeating stuff and turn that in instead of the stupid intake papers. I actually have done this it's really helpful for me because I have memory issues.

Can you do anything for yourself to help you relax like a hot bath, with bath salts or Epsom salt if you have it, burn a candle, read a magazine, I avoid the bathroom/tub because there's sharp objects in there and I've never fully trust myself around sharp objects. I can't go out either because I can't drive.

I'm like she's got H, what do I matter? You made me cry. I tried to remember suicide increases risk of kids suicide by 50% and I don't want that for him.

Dec 20, 2018, 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

gratitude list/journal I'm looking it up now.

I wonder, is it a real ED? I'm just going to ask my T when I get use to her. I've already wrote I don't want to talk about my ED. I've made a list of things I forgot at intake. I wont let her keeping it and I'm only putting wanting to "hurt myself" instead actually way I want to in my mood chart. I don't think I have an ED but soda and boneless skinless chicken tenders is all I eat.

I feel like I should just type up a list and add to that so I don't have to keep repeating stuff and turn that in instead of the stupid intake papers. I actually have done this it's really helpful for me because I have memory issues.

Can you do anything for yourself to help you relax like a hot bath, with bath salts or Epsom salt if you have it, burn a candle, read a magazine, I avoid the bathroom/tub because there's sharp objects in there and I've never fully trust myself around sharp objects. I can't go out either because I can't drive.

I'm like she's got H, what do I matter? You made me cry. I tried to remember suicide increases risk of kids suicide by 50% and I don't want that for him.

So much rumination!

I think your T is just trying to figure out how to channel some of this. Though it would be weird having the same T for my H and me (my husband doesn't have or want a T)--I think I would feel like it was a competion or worry he was saying bad things about me. This would make going to therapy harder for me. You definitely need a new T...