I didn’t go to work today. I woke up feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment and I just couldn’t handle the idea of going to work. I took a family illness day because I don’t need a doctor’s note for that. I’m just going to say my son was sick. Of course now he will probably actually get sick. That’s karma for you. But whatever. I don’t care. I went out to target to buy a few household items so that I didn’t have to tell my mom I wasn’t going to work. She hasn’t noticed the depression yet granted it’s only been a week.


When I got home I was productive I called the billing office for a medical bill I had and found out that my insurance actually did end up covering it. That was a huge relief. It was $2300. I also called around to a few psychiatrist and actually got one on the phone. She’s actually someone I’ve worked with in the past. That’ll be nice if she can get me in because she already knows me. I thought she might refuse to see me because I was so bad off when I saw her last but she didn’t. My psychiatrist now can’t get me in until two weeks from now so I’m hoping this one can get me in sooner.


Now I’m probably going to sleep for the rest of the day. I don’t want to be awake. I’m having self harm thoughts. They’re not intrusive yet but they are there. No Suicidal thoughts yet beyond damn I wish I wasn’t here. Or I wish I could sleep until this is over.


I wish I could handle depression better. It’s only been a week and I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve already called out of work because I can’t handle it. I’m such a baby. I hate it.