I've spent the last 3 (it feels like so many more) days preparing for my father's death. We are waiting for his do not resuscitate order to come through from the state's guardian and then they will remove life support. It should happen mid-late next week.

I've been trying to make arrangements to donate his body. The medical school couldn't take him because of some of the tubes he has so they referred me to another place. It took my siblings until tonight to decide on this place so I haven't called them yet. Hopefully they take Saturday calls.

I've spent a lot of time going back and forth between my siblings who don't speak to each other. I feel like I'm doing everything twice. Sometimes I need to involve my younger brother's mother and then it is 3 times. But I need to know everything is as done as possible so that I can relax. The first night I didn't sleep. Last night I fell asleep with my glasses on and slept so hard they bruised my face where they pressed into my forehead.

I need to feel like I'm doing things though so it helps me to feel like I'm in control. So far I can't cry. I know that will come but right now I need to stay focused on what is happening and I'm not ready to grieve yet. I'm ready to say my good-byes but that is the next step and I'm not ready to think of the one after that. We were going to see him tomorrow but the snow storm delayed that so we're going Wednesday. Unless they are removing life support that day. I don't want to be there for that. The social worker thinks he'll not live long without it and I don't want to have that be my last memory.

Next I have to find a way to convince my brother that we are not going to my father's house. Apparently it is in horrible shape with nothing salvageable but he won't believe the social worker about this. I do and I don't want to go to the house. I don't even have an address so that makes it pretty hard to go and it would add 2 hours to a 12 hour drive (plus time in the hospital) just to get there. And I don't want to see. So I'm hoping the guardian will send me the pictures he took so I can send those to my brother. Not sure how to handle that. My brother has Asperger's so sometimes he fixates on things and this is one of them. Maybe my mom can help.

I don't know. I can't believe this is happening; a week ago I had no clue I'd know a lot about donating bodies to science by tonight. Or that I'd have called a bunch of funeral homes or have partially written an obituary.

I don't know what to feel. This is so weird.