My last episode, as you have probably read, was mixed psychotic. It leaves me feeling like I’m in some kind of parallel universe separate to the episode, where everyone expects me to function normally. I have tried to switch back into ‘normal’ life but I cannot seem to be able to.

Suddenly I am aware of all the damage done since at least my teens by mostly mixed episodes. Relationships broken by it, opportunities lost, careers thwarted, University degrees stopped. My life has had many beautiful things and people in it. I am not denying that. I guess for the first time, due to the trauma of my most recent episode, and final acceptance of the severity of my illness, I am grieving all this loss.

I only recently was advised by my pdoc that my Bipolar went back to me early teens so I never connected all that craziness and loss in my teens and early twenties to Bipolar. A whirlwind of destruction surrounded me. I lost all my friends and boyfriends and my grades suffered or I had to drop out.

Now I’m going to have to pull out of what will be the third degree I have started in my life. I never seem to be able to finish them, and to be honest this one is nothing but an exercise in using my brain, gaining some useful knowledge, and having something to say when people ask, “So, what do you do?”. Now, I may try go back to work for around 10 hours a week if; they will have me back, let me work so few hours, and my Fibromyalgia doesn’t play up too much.

I don’t need advice. I just wanted to share my grief with people who will understand. I am weeping now. My life filled with profound devastation, and amazing beauty. I’m not angry. Finally, I have woken up and seen what Bipolar has done and I am utterly broken.