I’m utterly broken

My last episode, as you have probably read, was mixed psychotic. It leaves me feeling like I’m in some kind of parallel universe separate to the episode, where everyone expects me to function normally. I have tried to switch back into ‘normal’ life but I cannot seem to be able to.

Suddenly I am aware of all the damage done since at least my teens by mostly mixed episodes. Relationships broken by it, opportunities lost, careers thwarted, University degrees stopped. My life has had many beautiful things and people in it. I am not denying that. I guess for the first time, due to the trauma of my most recent episode, and final acceptance of the severity of my illness, I am grieving all this loss.

I only recently was advised by my pdoc that my Bipolar went back to me early teens so I never connected all that craziness and loss in my teens and early twenties to Bipolar. A whirlwind of destruction surrounded me. I lost all my friends and boyfriends and my grades suffered or I had to drop out.

Now I’m going to have to pull out of what will be the third degree I have started in my life. I never seem to be able to finish them, and to be honest this one is nothing but an exercise in using my brain, gaining some useful knowledge, and having something to say when people ask, “So, what do you do?”. Now, I may try go back to work for around 10 hours a week if; they will have me back, let me work so few hours, and my Fibromyalgia doesn’t play up too much.

I don’t need advice. I just wanted to share my grief with people who will understand. I am weeping now. My life filled with profound devastation, and amazing beauty. I’m not angry. Finally, I have woken up and seen what Bipolar has done and I am utterly broken.

I am weeping now. My life filled with profound devastation, and amazing beauty.
Not trying to bring you down because I am hoping you are feeling a little better today, but isn't it devastating how that when we are mentally ill we sometimes don't see that we are on a path toward destruction? We think we are normal but maybe we are not? We only "know" based on what we have done because from my POV, our thoughts are not "real"....

It's always difficult to make realizations like that. However, in the same breath.. although you may feel like it's useless or you can't.. you can now pick up the pieces and find strength in the fact you know yourself better and in the future maybe you can make positive changes based on knowing it.

I can really relate to this. SZA/bipolar has ruined the last four to five years of my life. I'm super behind in my PhD program and am totally broke. I keep getting medical bills I can't cover.

I guess we just have to keep moving forwards, whatever it takes. Much support from me.

The question “so what do you do”? always gets to me. Answering “sweet FA” usually works.
Much hugs.

Most of my bills wind up in collections I just can’t pay them , it sucks!

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I guess I despair about my future based on my past history of constant, regular mixed episodes that prevent me from achieving goals in my life. Today I’m going to university but all I feel is dread as I cannot concentrate and the round trip is 1.5 hours. Difficult when exhausted. I’m thinking of dropping out as both my T and pdoc agree that right now I need less stress and pressure, although they are careful not to tell me what to do. My plan, should I drop out, is to focus on creative pursuits, and maybe work a little if possible.

My heartbreak is over recognising the past impact on my life and worrying about my future with this illness. I know things could improve but looking st the pattern of my illness it seems unlikely. I guess I’m being negative right now as I process the trauma.

Has anyone else felt severely traumatised by a severe episode? I feel broken by it. I know I will recover, this is just where I’m at now.

I can't tell you how many times things have felt like a slow moving train wreck for me. I really felt the words you shared. Thank you