I welcome any constructive feedback on this.
I am a grandma 👵🏻 to 12 ranging in age from 4-15 and a mother of 4 adults. My health is not good but not bad enough to go into an assisted living facility. Because of illnesses and a difficult life ( some of which is my fault), I am having trouble caring for myself. In recent months I have reached out to my children for help and ALL of them rejected me. One because she and I don’t get along so I really don’t want to be with her anyway. But the other 3 I don’t understand.

My eldest child is a preacher and he is actually commanded in scripture to care for me. He lives a couple states away. He gave me a very eloquent and elaborate (if winding) monologue about why he would not be helping me. This really hurt my feelings. Especially since he just took in his father in law, who has money and is able to pay for others to care for him AND he was never a good father to my daughter in law, according to what I heard anyway.

Then my second child who lives 3 miles from me, shortly after telling me she can’t afford to help me, is building a house about an hours drive from me, next door to her in laws, who she doesn’t like, according to her. So she doesn’t have enough money to help me even get a used mobile home for under $10,000 but she does have enough money to buy land for $80,000 and build a new house on the land while she lives in a very nice 4 bedroom house in town now.
She was angry at her siblings because she is the one who always helps me with little things and they never do. It’s true it’s not fair to her to be burdened with me. But to pack up and move away is not good for any of us.

My third child is an assistant pastor’s wife and they live a couple states away. They live very simply and humbly. They do not have their own house but live with their 4 children in a home less than 1200 square feet on church property. She said she would help if she could but they just don’t have any money nor time. I believe her. She is telling me what she believes is the truth. Her husband is native of a country thousands of miles away and he always seems to have money to fly “home” or fly his relatives back and forth from the other side of the world. But no money to help me. So, in this case I do fault my son in law for not being fair to his wife’s side of the family.

The fourth child is the one previously mentioned that I don’t want to live with. She is abusive and I am not going into another abusive relationship if I can help it. She wouldn’t help if she could. But I would rather be homeless than live with her.

I was not the best mother. My husband was abusive and I was confused often because of his manipulations and abuse. However, when I discovered he was sexually abusing my children I got them out. And I did my best to keep them safe.

My eldest withdrew from me as a teenager and I let him go live with our pastor. I wonder if that was a mistake. I just felt like he needed a positive male role model. But in recent years I have learned that the pastors twin brother, who was also a pastor, was a child molester too. So I am now doubtful about the influence that man had on my son and what happened in that house. I might never know. Maybe my son is angry because I didn’t fight harder to keep him. Maybe he blames me for what happened (if anything.)

My three girls I had with me mostly. I gave everything I had to them. All of them have said all along that they knew and know I love them. I made many sacrifices to ensure that they had what they needed. And some of what they wanted. It was my job as their mother. It was what my love for them required.

The three eldest claim they love me. But where are they when I need them?

I feel so hurt. I feel betrayed and unwanted. I feel injured. I endured years of abuse from their father because the pastor said it was better for them to have bad father than no father at all. Once I found out about the sexual molestation though, I got them out. I even tried to get justice for them. Once they were out, the church offered me no support. I finally left that area and returned to the area I was raised. Of course, I brought the girls with me and offered my son to come with. He refused. He was 17 then, so I thought he was old enough to decide and I thought he was safe. I am not sure now.

I am so tired. I finally have a life with no abuse. But I also don’t have people in my life. Primarily the reason for this is that I have learned that I cannot select safe people and I would rather be alone than abused. I am grateful that the church I attend now is helping me.

I just don’t understand why my own children seem to be so unconcerned about my well-being. My heart is breaking 💔💔💔

My son, who is scripturally commanded to care for me, would rather sin than help me. And he’s a pastor! It’s such a mess. I really don’t understand. It makes me feel like a burden on this earth. I wish God would come take me soon. I will stay however long I must. But I am so sad. And struggling to find hope.

God is my strength and my shield. In Him will I trust.