I'm not asking to be happy. In fact I don't want "happiness" I don't like it. However I am tired of always being depressed and suicidal. I'm tired of being stuck in limbo. That space where I'm standing on the edge just 1 step away but too afraid to take that 1. Last. Step. Yet ever time I turn around to walk away I end up right back here. I have done "happy" before. I didnt like it. I wasn't in control of my emotions. Similar to now just on the opposite end of the spectrum. I don't think I am asking for too much. People always say "I want to be happy again." or "Strive for happiness." I want to stop short of that. Either that or get the courage to take that final step.