I don't know how else to put it. I have already had 1 nervous breakdown (and will pay the price for that for the rest of my life) and have been on the verge of 2 others.
My religious beliefs all my life have taught me that if I kill myself I will goto Hell. I can only imagine how upset this would make my wife. Not to mention that yet once again I would disappoint my parents proving once and for all that my brother is the best and smartest one of us.
Yet I am so tired of fighting. I just want to kill myself. How long should I live for others? I'm going to Hell anyways so what does it matter how I get there.

Some days the pull to stay alive is stronger while other days the pull to just end it all is stronger. The one constant is every day I wake up I regret not doing something the day before.