You sound a lot like me. I didn't want to make it to my 35th but that was nearly 4 years ago. I have been so close so many times but in the end I am too much of a coward. Everyone around me thinks everything is great. No one knows how much I actually hurt. The worst day of my life was when I woke up from surgery. I wanted more than anything to die on the table.
You're not alone
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It's only paranoia until it happens.
Why I don't trust doctors
Things You Wish People Understood About Depression
I mean what I say & I say what I mean.