I can tell another story about my father and ask the same question: "is this instrumental aggression". It's the nominal reason I didn't tell my father my boyfriend's last name. It happened decades earlier when I had driven a long way home with the boyfriend i had way back in college. We drove to the house my mom was living in for Thanksgiving week holiday from uni. My parents were getting divorced so my dad didn't live there but would come around, apparently.

Well one morning I woke up and my boyfriend was gone. He had just disappeared and I didn't know what happened to him. This was before cell phones so I had no way to reach him. Well anyway a few days later, I finally reached him on the phone at his house many miles away.

He said my father had told him I was a horrible person and he needed to get away from me, so one morning he drove him to the airport and put him on a plane back to where we had driven from.

So I was betrayed by both my father and my boyfriend at the same time.

Then when I told my mother what had happened, she had no sympathy for me. The only thing she said was that my father did that to get to HER because she was divorcing him.

At the same time she told me straight up that she didn't like my boyfriend. She had said that to me also before he had disappeared.

So then, decades later my father wants the last name of my then current boyfriend and then starts calling people with his same first name at my workplace when I wouldn't tell him.

My father had bipolar and was an alcoholic too but I think he was also a narcissist.