Quote:
Originally Posted by bpcyclist
Hey, everyone. Just waiting for psychiatrist here and thought I would share that I just cried, like, full-on crying, for the first time since May, 2013 (during another huge recurrence). I cannot do this anymore. I won't. I am just--done. Finished.
Promised my pdoc long ago that I would not commit suicide and I guess I won't, but at this moment, strictly for that reason. I see zero reason to carry on with this misery otherwise. There is no reason to "live" like this any longer. This is not living.
Still trying to sort out what they are going to do with me. I will post later, unless I'm in the hospital. But maybe there's a patient computer there or they might let me use my phone. I dunno.
Wish I could offer support and hugs to others, but I can't even maintain myself at this point. Thanks to all of you who have taken the time and expended the energy and caring to try to help me. I may be psychotic, but I am not too psychotic to appreciate you. Many, many thanks. It has meant so much to me.  |
My heart is with you. I feel very deep empathy for your suffering. You're at what feels like rock bottom. Perhaps I can remind you that your rock bottom comes along with a few perks?
First, you cannot fall off the floor. That feeling of sinking deeper and deeper cannot occur when you're truly on ground level. You can feel more of the same which truly sucks, but you're feeling it and you're still here and still breathing and your heart is still beating. You're surviving. You can realize you're staring at the same monster each time. It just keeps changing faces.
You've just cried. I see crying in two ways. One, it can give you the water you need to drown further in or two it can lighten the heavy load you've been carrying (since 2013? Woah!). So now you've cried and maybe you can see you're ever so lighter than you were before you let that out? Maybe a good cry was what you needed to start letting go of the weight that is pulling you down.
You are sticking to your promise to your pdoc. You're a man of your word. That's worth its weight in gold and more as far as I'm concerned. It is priceless. You have a beautifully valuable trait. Surely you want to hold onto something so precious. There is tremendous potential there. You're a man with a mind for business. You know how to grow potential.
You're right. This Hell you've been in is not living like you'd want to. It is surviving. You are a survivor. You've also thrived before. You are that as well. This current pattern of moments is not your whole story and it does not have to be your future. You deperately need a new pattern and that requires new strategies.
You need a safe place to strategize a new way forward. Your home feels unsafe at the moment. Could you allow the hospital to be the safe place you need for a while? Could you allow yourself to brainstorm some new plans for yourself there? Could you let yourself feel supported there and not so alone? The hospital is a last resort in many cases, but it can also offer us what we need in some cases. This might be that time for you.
You have so many gifts. You are incredibly kind and bright even when you are suffering through your most terrible darkness. Please don't give up. I'll hold onto hope for you while you work to get it back for yourself. You're used to working out hard and pushing your body every day. Now is the time to push your mind and your heart and your spirit. Be a bit of a warrior and fight for wellness. I appreciate you!!!
