What's normal and what's bizarre is entirely dependent on local cultural norms and the exact time. Listen to those from elsewhere, especially those who left because they found the local contemporary culture of that area intolerable. Also remember how things were when you lived and studied elsewhere. It sounds like most of your extended family would fit right in. You deserve better than all that. I certainly understand your desire to remain part of a family, but if it's toxic, then it will only cause harm. My own extended family on my father's side fell apart after my grandfather's death; he was the only one able to handle all the petty grudges and such and make people get along. That happened while I was very young and I only have vague memories of them. They also had antiquated views of gender and didn't like me because I didn't fit their idea of what a girl should be. They always insisted on giving me dolls even though I hated them. they only stopped when I started destroying them, and then they ignored me. The ignoring was far better than the criticism. On my mother's side of the family, they didn't like us because most of them were middle class and we were working class, they thought my mom married down. They never had anything to do with me. As I mentioned before, my older sister is a cold-blooded narcissist. She cut contact with us about 8 years ago now, after my parents stopped buying stuff for her every week, such as most of her groceries, and doing her laundry for her. In her view, relationships are about getting what she wants.

Don't worry about anything looking bad. You have to do what you must for the sake of your mental health. And keep in mind that people slap label on others to dehumanize them.


35 is still young, and so is 30. You are right in acknowledging that comparisons are a trap. My experiences in relationships and friendships have not been good, and have not been many. I've had a long-standing vulnerability to narcissists, and the guy I dated was undoubtedly BPD. That was the only person I dated and it was less than 3 months. I fell in love with a girl at school when I was 17 but never had the courage to tell her how I felt, especially since she had a boyfriend. I had one sexual experience with a girl during my only full-time year at college, but it was a one-time thing. I was 19 and figured that it would be my only chance, so I took it. And for 11 years, I was right. At least she did give me a booty call later on, even though I didn't take her up on it. But that's the extent of my relationship experience. Friendships have been brief and painful and few.

I never had success with dating sites either, whether looking for women or men. I'm ugly, and I have objective evidence of this, so it isn't just my low self-esteem. I've attended rallies and other political events, and the photographers stop when they see me, wince, and turn away very quickly. One took a picture of my sign once at a protest against the child detention policy, but the sign only.

I so understand when you say you're playing a game that's rigged against you. Not just in relationships, but every other aspect of life. I'm struggling with this too, and everything else you mentioned. I have no friends now because I cut the toxic people out of my life. Attempts to make new friends have not been successful, over the course of many years and many places. I've pretty much given up on dating even though I still have the desire to be married some day. My life isn't where I want it to be no matter how hard I've worked to improve it. I still feel stuck. I really hate my job and where I work there is NO opportunity for advancement or growth, most of all for those in working-class positions. I constantly endure people looking down on me for custodial work. I even got that at the Unitarian Universalist congregation I've been attending, and this past Sunday really opened my eyes to the kind of people there. All of them are very comfortably middle-class, yet with the food drive, only two small bags had been donated, and that was after 2 services. Even if each family brought just one box or can, that bin should have been filled. I know what it is to be genuinely hungry, to live in terror that one serious accident or illness will cause you to lose everything you spent your entire life working for. I was very deeply offended by their apathy to genuine need. It seems most of them would also fit right into your area.

You're certainly right that the maintenance of hope needs to be bolstered by at least one thing in your life that's working out well. Have you been able to maintain a good relationship with your mom? Are things moving along well with your plans to study abroad?

The decision is of course yours about the photo evaluation, but if I may offer advice, I don't think that's a good idea, especially when you're feeling so vulnerable. People can be assholes just for the sake of being cruel, as you are certainly aware. They boost their own self-esteem by ripping others down. While this is a supportive community where we're safe to express how we think and feel, asking someone to tell you whether or not they think you're ugly is just not a good idea. If you're already convinced you are, then you'll dismiss any negation of that view as someone just being nice. And you'll take a negative evaluation too much to heart even if it isn't an accurate assessment.

I'm glad you can talk to your mom about these issues, especially if she has been there before. I'm sorry your dad is like that. You don't have much chance at healthy self-esteem when you hear messages like that from your own father. My own is highly cynical and can spit out some nasty comments, but at least he also has a warm side. My grandmother had Alzheimer's since I was young, so I know how rough that is. They become the disease, everything about them is gone.

Rumination destroys body and mind alike and is a habit I have to constantly fight against. The obsessive thought pattern pretty much goes along with ASD though, so please keep that in mind and don't beat yourself up over it. You didn't choose your brain configuration. Distractions, self-compassion exercises, and CBT techniques have helped me. Finding meaning in our lives, and most of all a meaning to our suffering, can really change our perspective, and is the theory behind logotherapy. I encourage everyone to read Viktor Frankle's Man's Search for Meaning.

Those blood pressure numbers are truly alarming! It's miraculous that you are still here. In my view, just to be alive is miraculous, when there's so much trying to destroy us. Social structures keep us down, pathogens and pollutants are everywhere, violence is all around. None of us would exist unless this person raised a child with that person on down the line for millennia. None of us would exist without the exact atoms formed in high-mass stars that went supernova billions of years ago, all coalesced into our solar system and available at the right place and right time for us to make use of them while we hold this fragile spark of life. We carry the entire universe in our bodies. It's a borrowed gift we must give back eventually, but what will we do with it while we have it?