Depressed due to turning 30 and still being single and a virgin

I just came back from a meetup. I mostly went to see my acquaintance and talk with him about life and stuff. Again I saw the wine prices of $12-$13 for domestic Sonoma Valley wine. And these were happy hour prices.

I hate seeing people suffer, especially the poor and weak. Not weak as in they are of lower class, I mean weak as in they have hardships and other problems which leads them to end up in unfortunate situations. I always thought that if one treats others with dignity and compassion, that that dignity and compassion would be shown returned onto that person. Somehow it looks like that is not true. But I do have a lot trouble expressing my thoughts. I cannot express them succintly in words in most cases, but I can express them only if there existed some brain-to-brain telepathy. Obviously that is not possible.

I almost never can understand what people are thinking. I often have no clue. I can only make the most educated guess that I can based on what I see as evidence. But this is so faulty that my best guesses are often so fallacious that I am close to useless in nonverbal communication. I need things to be spelt out to the letter, so literal and blatantly obvious that even a blind and/or deaf person can understand it. Of course, one of the hardest and most important aspects of nonverbal communication that I simply cannot comprehend is trying to tell if a woman likes me or not. I simply cannot understand any hints or any type of nonverbal stuff in that area. It is terrible frustrating for me.

Things are not going so well. Since Christmas, which I spent completely alone, I very rapidly fell into a downward spiral of a deep depressive state. On New Year's Eve/New Year's Day, I thought about how I spent the entire decade of 2010-2019 without even so much as having kissed a woman. My self-hatred returned quickly, and everyday has been hell. I feel not only the sick feeling in my stomach, but also my blood pressure is constantly high from the stress of thinking about this over and over. I feel not only extreme humiliation and self-hatred of this entire single/virgin thing, but also shame as a human being that I seem to be going into the low percentages of people who are in my situation. Like for example only 2% of men are virgins at age 30 in the UK according to reports. Here in USA it probably is similar. I feel like an outcast. I keep seeing couples and stuff, and when I had to attend some family gathering near the New Year, my relatives tell me how their 13 year old son or whatever has a girlfriend already. They ask why I always attend and never have a girlfriend or wife. What is wrong with. Etcetera.

I think that this is definitely the worst that I have felt since age 25 when I lost a third of my body weight due to falling deep into a hole of depression. And from the exact same issue, this single/virgin thing. Except now, I am older. I just feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness in this area. I am 30, but am in the exact same position that I was at age 25.

I hate to say this, but as I was diagnosed with chronic hypertension at age 26, partly due to poor family history of heart disease, yet mostly due to severe psychological stress, and am technically at risk of having a heart attack, if I had a massive heart attack or sudden cardiac arrest in my sleep and died as a result, I feel like it would not bother me.

I assured you that if anyone ever been shamed for being a virgin it was me because my oldest sister felt that she need to tell my store manager,my assistant manager and all of my coworker that I am a virgin even though I was in my early twenties. But when I look at everyone around me I told myself I happy to be one because everyone around me were all unstable and their relationship weren't great and they were jealous of something that I had.

They say that when you are not looking is when you find someone.

That is really great advice.

That is great advice.

I completely understand how you feel because I have depression, anxiety, social anxiety due to the bullying.

You are a person of deep compassion and strong morality. I may have posted this quote before, but I will do so again: "Genuine goodness is threatening to those on the opposite of the moral spectrum." I forget to whom that quote belongs. You live in a place that scorns compassion and morality as weakness, because it's a vicious scrabble up the bleeding backs of rivals to get ahead in relationships as well as economically. Moral people WILL return compassion and dignity; immoral ones will see it as a sign of weakness or foolishness. I urge everyone to hold fast to their values and live them, no matter what reaction we get from the outside. We can't be complete human beings otherwise.

The difficulty in expression thoughts and feelings is almost ubiquitous for people on the autism spectrum, as well as those on the ADHD spectrum, with social anxiety, and with learning disabilities. Even some others who were just never taught skills, or who grew up with emotional neglect. That covers A LOT of people. I don't say this to minimize anyone's struggles, I only say it to bring a feeling of unity in a shared struggle. I'm still working on self-expression too. Writing is easier for me than speaking. It gives mea much better platform to organize my thoughts in a way that's comprehensible to others. I've also had struggles understanding nonverbal communication. Watching the work of highly skilled actors has helped me in this.


I'm so sorry Christmas and New Year's were such rough times for you. I 100% understand the loneliness and the downward spirals of self-attack. That's what brought me to PC in the first place, and I'm sure most everyone else here too. The self-compassion exercises have broken this cycle for me and I again urge everyone to work through them. The OCD worksheets might also be helpful. Please keep in mind that you are not fundamentally flawed, and your situation is NOT hopeless. I don't wish to be intrusive, but sometimes you have to remove yourself from toxic situations and people if it's bringing you to this place. Even if the removal is temporary, you need that time away to recover. If you have a wound on your arm and someone continually pokes at it, you have to pull it away. The same is true for our emotional and psychological wounds.

Please reach out to someone quickly. Is your mom supportive and understanding of your situation? Is there any affordable mental health care where you live? This is very serious and I'm concerned about you.

This TED talk on emotional first aid was helpful to me and may be to others.



I wish a safe and healthy new year to everyone!

Thanks for the kind words. I just feel like the quote by the Beatles song "The End", The love you take is equal to the love you make is not really pertinent. Maybe I just need hard evidence to see it, since I am so results-based and science-based. It is hard to keep reminded myself that the sample bias of this place is very different to what I would find elsewhere. My mother believes in karma despite being irreligious, and it seems like karma is that whatever one does good is never repayed as goodness. It seems that goodness just vanished into thin air.

For that reason, I was contemplating doing some temporary work thing in a place like Finland or Sweden before studying, just to have a quick change of atmosphere. Italian bureaucracy to get paperwork done and certified will take a while, so I probably cannot study until at least next year.

Sometimes I feel like the only way to express how I feel is through telepathy, because with words I would just stutter and pause and it would just come out wrong if I tried to say it orally. What I am writing here, I pause every few seconds to think and look it over. In speaking, I cannot do this, so I know what you mean.

Both Christmas and New Years I went to Japantown alone, and felt like I were seeing couples all over the place. I just feel like I am at the same stuck position that I was when I was in my 20s. Everyone else is progressing past me. Male relatives who are younger than half my age have girlfriends. This so frustrating. It is like Einstein's adage about doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result is insanity. But what is doing new things and expecting a different result, but still getting the same or worse results? It is like nothing changes.

I usually talk to my mother about stuff. On occasion when she was alive, like when I was 25, my grandmother would come up to talk to me. But this issue that I have eats me up like battery acid on wood.

I have been monitoring my blood pressure because this issue is recently giving me a lot of stress/grief.

As of 01h27, my blood pressure readings in succession were:

1) 161/97
2) 151/84
3) 154/92
4) 144/83
5) 158/91

I already take 10 mg Lisonipril. I have been on blood pressure medication since 2016. This incessant topic is causing me so much hardship. I have lost a lot of interest in my hobbies already. I can barely concentrate on my language books anymore.

Responding to both posts here.

I think most humans have a psychological need to believe that the universe is ruled by a system of justice. Some people, like the Social Darwinists you have to endure on a daily basis, believe that stark inequality is just. Others see that as the injustice it is and believe in something along the lines of karma or heaven/hell. I personally don't think it's helpful to think of personal reward for good done. The benefit to those helped by the good deed is the reward.

Getting out of that toxic environment will be a very good thing for you, Lundi. If the people you do meetups and other things with, and that extended family, are poisoning your efforts at becoming well, then stepping away from them will give you the chance to heal. You won't be assaulted with the daily realities of such inequality and injustice. You'll be able to see direct evidence that other ways of life are possible.

Betazed must be a wonderful planet. It sucks to be a human on Earth right now.

I totally understand how you feel about trying new things with no better results. I'm 35 and still trying to find my place, still single, still no friends, still trapped in a job I hate. It's very frustrating when I've tried so many things in so many different times and places and situations and nothing has worked. stagnation leads to decay. I'm working towards wellness but some external situations have to change too. I'm keeping my eyes out for any opportunity. Hopelessness is a hard battle to fight, but please be assured that you aren't fighting it alone. The people on PC are with you and know how you feel.

Depression and anxiety eat up a person's physical and mental resources. Concentration on anything but the pain becomes nearly impossible. Those are deeply concerning blood pressure numbers, especially when you are on meds for it. I'm no fan of psychiatric meds in most cases, but sometimes they are necessary to break the cycle. It might be a good idea to talk to your primary about this.

Yes, Social Darwinists have a contrary view to the karmists. The karmists believe that what one does badly could lead to later surprisingly have hardship, such as a guy who makes fun of single men later experiences that his girlfriend or wife leaves him and that no other women want to have anything to do with him. He may ask himself why this is happening, until he realises that a few years ago he had been making fun of single guys for being in his own lonely situation. A Social Darwinist would make fun of single guys and then feel entitled to not be in the same position as they are, since a Social Darwinist by nature believes that he is "superior" and that all the women whom he desires will fall into his lap.

At meetups the types of people whom I encounter are downright bizarre in my own view, but apparently others find them somewhat normal. A lot though, like my own meetup acquaintance who is from Minnesota, has repeatedly said that people here are seriously deluded and judgemental. No wonder he has decided to permanently leave this city and relocate to New York City.

I find it terrible that I have to avoid extended family. I had already severed ties more or less with my father's extended family, who believes in 1800s-style gender relations and that I basically am a failure of a man due to not even being married at 30, but being single and virgin at such an old age is apparently considered abominable. I am already branded as "gay", "asexual", "retarded", "mentally insane", and other names because of my failure to attract women. But now I feel like I have to completely sever ties with my mother's extended family. This latter group often hate not only me but also my mother. Other than near before Christmas, I remember when I had attended a big family gathering of my mother's side of the family when I was 24. Relatives would come up to me and ask questions like, "Hey, boy, where ya girlfriend?" and one relative who was sitting at a table got up and said to me after giggling like a child, "Hey...we been talking about you a lot. So what is it, you married? Where is your girlfriend?" I am effectively the joke of the family on both sides. What is the point of family if they act worse than strangers. If I had to sever ties with all family except my parents, then it makes sense. It looks bad that I sever ties with also my godparents, but it is what it is. I am basically a pariah not only at meetups but in the family.

I am not sure why, but despite your being five years older than I am, I would consider you young, but I would consider myself old. I may be falling into the trap of comparing myself with others again, because I feel that you have better life experience with relationships and that stuff compared to me. I have as much relationship experience that I had when I was 10 years old--that is to say, none. I just feel so ******* stuck in a rut, and nothing I do seems to alleviate the situation. I have tried almost 20 different dating apps and sites, and all have been failures. I feel like I am in a rigged game. An analogy would be like playing Blackjack at the casino, yet every other player has prior knowledge about what cards will be dealt next. I have a sinking feeling since I am now almost 30 and ¼ years old, and I seem to be as stuck as when I was 29.

I also have no friends, no girlfriend, terrible occupation, and definitely not where I want to be in life right now. I keep trying to find a way to think positive, but I often feel that the hopelessness stems from the feeling that nothing is coming to fruition.

I had made another thread, I think in the Autism and Asperger's Syndrome section, if any female members wanted to evaluate a portrait photo of my face that I use as a profile picture on social media. I was wondering if I really am that ugly, if I am not that ugly or if I looked even worse than I thought. It is the only photo in which I am smiling since I forced myself to smile.

I sometimes talk to my mother about this, and my grandmother occasionally when she was alive, but never with my father or grandfather. My grandfather has had dementia and Alzheimer's for most of my life, so it would probably not have been plausible anyway. But my father is an alpha male type--the type that belittles me for being single this long. I have on occasion received comments about how no woman would want someone like me, comments of the type "Look in the mirror. You think that any girl would enjoy seeing that?", that my awkwardness and mental problems indicates that I deserve to be committed to a mental institution, etc. It has not helped my self-esteem. So if anything, I end up talking with my mother about this.

I think that this depression and obsession with this same topic is causing more problems with stress. Almost every 50 seconds of each minute that I am awake now I think about it. My thought process is, "I am probably going to end up single for life" interchanging with, "What is the point of my existence? To suffer constantly?".

The stress is most likely causing my blood pressure to stay elevated. It is not as bad as when I was 25, when my blood pressure was reaching soaring numbers that often frightened me. In 2014-2015, my blood pressure was regularly giving high readings between 180/80 and 205/100. The constant thinking of being single and lonely destroyed me.

What's normal and what's bizarre is entirely dependent on local cultural norms and the exact time. Listen to those from elsewhere, especially those who left because they found the local contemporary culture of that area intolerable. Also remember how things were when you lived and studied elsewhere. It sounds like most of your extended family would fit right in. You deserve better than all that. I certainly understand your desire to remain part of a family, but if it's toxic, then it will only cause harm. My own extended family on my father's side fell apart after my grandfather's death; he was the only one able to handle all the petty grudges and such and make people get along. That happened while I was very young and I only have vague memories of them. They also had antiquated views of gender and didn't like me because I didn't fit their idea of what a girl should be. They always insisted on giving me dolls even though I hated them. they only stopped when I started destroying them, and then they ignored me. The ignoring was far better than the criticism. On my mother's side of the family, they didn't like us because most of them were middle class and we were working class, they thought my mom married down. They never had anything to do with me. As I mentioned before, my older sister is a cold-blooded narcissist. She cut contact with us about 8 years ago now, after my parents stopped buying stuff for her every week, such as most of her groceries, and doing her laundry for her. In her view, relationships are about getting what she wants.

Don't worry about anything looking bad. You have to do what you must for the sake of your mental health. And keep in mind that people slap label on others to dehumanize them.


35 is still young, and so is 30. You are right in acknowledging that comparisons are a trap. My experiences in relationships and friendships have not been good, and have not been many. I've had a long-standing vulnerability to narcissists, and the guy I dated was undoubtedly BPD. That was the only person I dated and it was less than 3 months. I fell in love with a girl at school when I was 17 but never had the courage to tell her how I felt, especially since she had a boyfriend. I had one sexual experience with a girl during my only full-time year at college, but it was a one-time thing. I was 19 and figured that it would be my only chance, so I took it. And for 11 years, I was right. At least she did give me a booty call later on, even though I didn't take her up on it. But that's the extent of my relationship experience. Friendships have been brief and painful and few.

I never had success with dating sites either, whether looking for women or men. I'm ugly, and I have objective evidence of this, so it isn't just my low self-esteem. I've attended rallies and other political events, and the photographers stop when they see me, wince, and turn away very quickly. One took a picture of my sign once at a protest against the child detention policy, but the sign only.

I so understand when you say you're playing a game that's rigged against you. Not just in relationships, but every other aspect of life. I'm struggling with this too, and everything else you mentioned. I have no friends now because I cut the toxic people out of my life. Attempts to make new friends have not been successful, over the course of many years and many places. I've pretty much given up on dating even though I still have the desire to be married some day. My life isn't where I want it to be no matter how hard I've worked to improve it. I still feel stuck. I really hate my job and where I work there is NO opportunity for advancement or growth, most of all for those in working-class positions. I constantly endure people looking down on me for custodial work. I even got that at the Unitarian Universalist congregation I've been attending, and this past Sunday really opened my eyes to the kind of people there. All of them are very comfortably middle-class, yet with the food drive, only two small bags had been donated, and that was after 2 services. Even if each family brought just one box or can, that bin should have been filled. I know what it is to be genuinely hungry, to live in terror that one serious accident or illness will cause you to lose everything you spent your entire life working for. I was very deeply offended by their apathy to genuine need. It seems most of them would also fit right into your area.

You're certainly right that the maintenance of hope needs to be bolstered by at least one thing in your life that's working out well. Have you been able to maintain a good relationship with your mom? Are things moving along well with your plans to study abroad?

The decision is of course yours about the photo evaluation, but if I may offer advice, I don't think that's a good idea, especially when you're feeling so vulnerable. People can be assholes just for the sake of being cruel, as you are certainly aware. They boost their own self-esteem by ripping others down. While this is a supportive community where we're safe to express how we think and feel, asking someone to tell you whether or not they think you're ugly is just not a good idea. If you're already convinced you are, then you'll dismiss any negation of that view as someone just being nice. And you'll take a negative evaluation too much to heart even if it isn't an accurate assessment.

I'm glad you can talk to your mom about these issues, especially if she has been there before. I'm sorry your dad is like that. You don't have much chance at healthy self-esteem when you hear messages like that from your own father. My own is highly cynical and can spit out some nasty comments, but at least he also has a warm side. My grandmother had Alzheimer's since I was young, so I know how rough that is. They become the disease, everything about them is gone.

Rumination destroys body and mind alike and is a habit I have to constantly fight against. The obsessive thought pattern pretty much goes along with ASD though, so please keep that in mind and don't beat yourself up over it. You didn't choose your brain configuration. Distractions, self-compassion exercises, and CBT techniques have helped me. Finding meaning in our lives, and most of all a meaning to our suffering, can really change our perspective, and is the theory behind logotherapy. I encourage everyone to read Viktor Frankle's Man's Search for Meaning.

Those blood pressure numbers are truly alarming! It's miraculous that you are still here. In my view, just to be alive is miraculous, when there's so much trying to destroy us. Social structures keep us down, pathogens and pollutants are everywhere, violence is all around. None of us would exist unless this person raised a child with that person on down the line for millennia. None of us would exist without the exact atoms formed in high-mass stars that went supernova billions of years ago, all coalesced into our solar system and available at the right place and right time for us to make use of them while we hold this fragile spark of life. We carry the entire universe in our bodies. It's a borrowed gift we must give back eventually, but what will we do with it while we have it?

A lot of my acquaintances from meetups have either left for Europe or the East Coast, specifically New England. My guess is that they find people to be more genuine in both places, compared to here on the West Coast. But especially compared to the Bay Area, since even Los Angeles, long known to be one of the most pretentious, judgemental, superficial places on the planet is now superseded by San Francisco. Even some LA people who live here tell SF people jokingly, “Thanks for being more pretentious than we are. You have that title now.”

It sounds like your extended family on your father’s side ended up similar to the extended family on my mother’s side. My own extended family on my mother’s side often interacted with my grandmother. They often took advantage of her kindness and non-aggressive policy of letting things slide for the sake of peace. They really milked this characteristic, and it probably was a weakness since they took advantage of her for decades, over 50 years even. Similar to how people have taken advantage of me in various ways. She was also kind of the main person with whom to interact. We were just mere sidecars that were related to her. But ever since my grandmother died, it really shows how much interest they have in us (i.e. none). They need someone to pick on, so now obviously since they know that I had turned 30 last October, I am the pariah to pick on—the single, virgin 30 year old who acts more awkward and strange than a fish taken out of water. As I have already effectively severed ties with my father’s extended family, I will probably have to decline all invitations to get-togethers on my mother’s side of the family and sever ties with them as well. I basically have to shut off communication from both extended families. I remember how when my grandmother was alive, they used to ring our house to talk to her. Then my grandmother would report back that they constantly were saying how I had no girlfriend, saying things to her like, “What is wrong with your grandson?”, “My son is 13 and got his first girlfriend. And what happened to your grandson?”, “Does your grandson want a girlfriend?”, “Does your grandson even like girls?”. I honestly see no point in playing this game where I am a figurative punching bag for extended family to do this to me.

The same thing about the class arguments. A lot of my mother’s extended family are in real estate and finance and often berated my mother and her parents (my grandparents) for their working-class background. My grandfather was a fisherman who left school at age 10 and was thus only semi-literate, and my grandmother was a high school graduate who became a factory worker. They often treated all of us like scum just because of this.

This is what I keep doing. I keep feeling terrible comparing myself when I hear other people’s experiences. It is not your fault, it is my own obsession—like when you say that you had your first sexual experience at 19, I think, “When I was 19, I had zero sexual experiences” because no girls wanted to really be with me. One could argue that since I was so engrossed in my studies (I was in the process of completing a double major in mathematics and pre-med molecular biology at that time) and busy in academics, that I never really sought out love or sex or looked for a girlfriend actively. That is true. But it never happened that for example a girl in my class would come up to me to talk. They all left me alone, like some outcast. I was a social and romantic outcast in university. So all throughout university, I never, not even once, got so close as to hand-holding, kissing or anything remotely sexual with my female classmates.

When I hear how you basically did much better than I did, starting at 19, I look at myself now, at age 30, seeing an abject failure of a guy who is so out of the ordinary that no one else has zero sexual experience. I have extremely rarely met a guy who were in my situation. I know of only two guys, both San Francisco natives, from meetups who had admitted to me that they were virgins at 34 and 36, respectively. I do not know if they had kissed girls before. But I know that one of them suffers from severe depression for his situation. I just ruminate, over and over, how can a guy like me get to age 30 and never have even kissed a girl? This is just unbelievably shameful and makes me sick and hate myself. I can feel my heart rate is well over 100 at rest, probably 120, from just thinking about it. I mean, even without the sex, am I that much of a failure that no girl wanted to kiss and hold hands, even for just five minutes?

Personally I do not think that you are ugly. If I want to assuredly call someone ugly, it would be none other than my own self. And to not have a girl say to me something like, “You are cute” or similar, but rather have them say that I am ugly, like that one girl at 17 who told me that I was butt-ugly and that no other girls would ever like me in my whole life, that is the extent of my attention with women in general—just plain negative.

Even though we are both not pleased with how we are positioned in terms of relationships, I cannot help but feel that you are way ahead of me in many ways. You have had at least one relationship and several sexual experiences. I am lacking totally in both areas. I just feel like some plague victim whom no women want to each touch with an iron rod.

I more or less have a good relationship with my mother. I have a rather cold relationship with my father in that we do not really talk. If he says something, it is usually about how I am lacking in some or the other respect. The not having a girlfriend up to now seems to have quite negatively affected his opinion of me. It did not help when I was younger and he used to half-joke, “Do you even like girls?!”. I think that since my 20s he has given up on me and thinks that I will remain single for life. I am basically seen as a failure on whom people give up. True, the Alzheimer’s was rough. I doubt that my grandfather ever knew about how I struggled to get a girlfriend when he was alive. He was essentially mentally gone when I was a teenager, so even if he did, he would most likely forget or not even understand.

About the photo, I have heard so many negative comments in person that I am not sure if one more is going to hurt, because I am at such a low point anyway. Like saturated with negative comments. If you would like to take a look anyway, I could PM you my photo.

My doctor was very concerned for years about my blood pressure. It was around age 25-26 when it went extremely high. When I used to go for check-ups I would get readings of just that—something like 190/90. In some cases over 200 systolic. It was not abnormal to see 210 systolic even. Eventually my doctor, who is female, started to ask if everyone was okay in life. I said that I had stress. That was an understatement. I was too ashamed to tell her straight that I was a single virgin despite not wanting to be so, and that this issue was causing me huge grief to the point of destroying my blood pressure. Also at check-ups I got asked if I were sexually active in order to determine if I needed blood tests for VD. Things like that are always like a punch in the stomach for me. It is like I am missing out on so much. Each time I told my doctor, “No, I never…had..sex”, which always caused me to blush due to my self-hatred and total embarrassment at my situation. Thankfully she never laughed at me, which I expect now anyone to do.

My doctor asked me several times what was bothering me when I was 25-26. I could never tell her, “I feel like shït because I have always been single and never had any sort of sex experience.” So I just told her a vague answer. But she said that if I did not take blood pressure medicine, I could very easily die before age 30 of a big heart attack, especially given that I have bad inheritance of heart problems on both my mother’s and father’s side of the family. My father has already had two heart attacks and various problems with angina and atherosclerosis. My mother has taken hypertension medicine since she was in her mid-30s. My grandmother died of congestive heart failure. Heart problems are not new in my family, and I probably am at risk for all of their problems. If I start to feel dizzy or start getting nosebleeds, it means that my blood pressure is dangerously high, and most likely from the extreme stress.

This hurts me a lot to read:

Later-in-life virgins – ‘At my age, it becomes a red flag’

Then he says,

So today's society regards virginity at 25+ as basically an STI. That is the extent to which people hate virgins?

I feel like this is what awaits me in the future.

I am not sure if it is a miracle that I am alive. I am closing the gap in that I feel so low that it seems as close to my worst when I was 25-26 obsessing about this issue. I have felt down before since I was a child--once when I was 5 I remember telling my mother that sometimes I wished that I did not wake up again. Right now, I feel similar, but much worse. I feel like if I had a massive heart attack in my sleep tonight or the next night or any night, and then died quietly in my sleep, it would be a blessing so that I would not have to feel this torture and feeling of irreparable failure.

I know that a few times on my birthday, since I was born just a few days before my mother’s birthday, my mother has told me that I was her greatest birthday gift. Except I do not feel that way, at all. Sometimes I wish that I had been aborted. It would save me a lot of grief from living 30 years up to the present and feeling like this.

In the case of my grandfather, he was very much the traditional family patriarch. He'd stay out of conflicts for a little while, but if he decided it went on for too long, he'd intervene and figuratively knock some heads together and make them get along. No one else either would or could step into those shoes after he died. In most cases I'm no fan of those kinds of traditional structures, but in that side of the family's case, it was what was needed. My mother's mother was also a peacemaker like yours, but she was verbally and emotionally abused by her husband and struggled with alcohol addiction. She had a rough life and rough marriage, but she was so sweet to me while I was growing up. By the time I was 13 she was pretty much gone to Alzheimer's, when I really needed the influence she brought to my life.

Real estate and finance, ugh. No wonder you face such nastiness from them. When you receive such comments, always evaluate the source before believing it, just as you would when reading a research paper.

In your case gender is probably playing a role, since many hetero cis women still hold traditional views on dating despite so many decades of activism. The women in your classes were likely expecting you to hit on them rather than the other way around. You may have overlooked signs of interest or flirting due to a poor ability to read social cues. Not many hetero cis women will walk up to a man and say bluntly, "I think you're hot, let's go do something together." YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.

Sorry, hit the wrong key and sent too quickly.

I've heard the "you're ugly" comments since my early childhood, and the wincing of photographers is objective confirmation. I know what I look like. It does affect me, but I focus on other things than my looks. I will look at your photo if you'd really like me to, but you certainly know ahead of time that I won't say anything negative to you.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with so much self-hatred. How much longer is it until you can leave that toxic area for your study abroad? Please try to hold out for that, and in the meantime, try to get more involved in your political work. The primary election is coming up soon for PA and the volunteer team is getting ready for it. Focusing on these bigger goals has really helped me, and I hope will for you too. I'm not sure when CA's primary/caucus is, or which you have.

You've received a lot of verbal and emotional abuse form a lot of people for most of your life. That takes a very long time to heal from, but first you have to take yourself away from it. It's like living through a war.

Your primary sounds like a good one. It is of course your decision alone, but it seems likely that she'd be understanding of what you're feeling right now and may be able to guide you to resources and places that might be able to help. These are all very serious thoughts and feelings, especially if you're wondering whether it's worth it to go on being here. I recommend being completely honest with her. She can't help you otherwise. Shame kills. Silence kills.

I really don't think it's a good idea to read articles like that when you're feeling so hurt and vulnerable and down on yourself. It's furthering the downward spiral. Please reach out to someone, whether it's your primary, your mom, or a hotline. I'll say it again: the world is much better with you in it. Your mom obviously thinks so. Take it from someone who made an attempt: it is not the way to go, and only causes further pain to everyone. That attempt is still my greatest regret. Light can follow darkness, even if you can't see right now.

Sorry to hear about your maternal grandmother and Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s is brutal because it is slow and torturous. It is hard when one family member has to keep order in extended family. It is like almost the relatives need a dictatorship to not act unreasonable. Although since my grandfather almost definitely had Asperger’s, extended family often bullied him and picked on him since he was a child. Another problem was that it took him until age 50 to get married. To struggle that much in those days was probably a sign of weirdness. That is why I am only 30, but he was born before the end of the First World War. I had heard from my grandmother when she was alive that when he had run a fish bait store in the 1940s and 1950s, his siblings plus other extended family used to take advantage of him by going into his store, stealing some of the items and then challenging/taunting him to try to stop them. This type of idiocy is eerily similar to stuff that I have had to deal with in my own life.

In order of how common, number one would undoubtedly be tech. I think that tech people make up over 90% of the people whom I meet at socials, including tech women. Usually working for Google or Facebook or Uber or whatever, or some biotech company like Genentech. The other 10% are almost always real estate and finance. I do find, in general, that the real estate people are especially obsessed with money. I remember how one had told me last year about how proud she was because she had managed to sell a small, beat-up looking, fixer-upper house with a collapsed staircase and broken rooms for over $2 million. People pay a lot for terrible quality here.

I do realise now that my gender has played a heavy role, much more than I had ever imagined. My mother had once revealed to be that she had lost her virginity at 27, but that like before as I said, she got dates now and then—because she never had to approach men. There are pros and cons of course, but since I never was a type of guy to approach, getting dates was always extremely hard for me.

I have often been socially clueless. Taking until around age 25 or 26 to figure out that it was kind of on me to ask the women out is testament to how clueless I was. I often do not think like other guys. In fact, I have been sometimes told that in terms of dating, I think more like a woman—that I feel more comfortable if a woman approaches me than vice versa. I have asked out women before, in the past few years. It has often been extremely uncomfortable and nervous. The only other time that I have asked out a girl was when I was 17 and in high school. I asked out a girl to go to the prom, but it took me over two months to get rid of a lot of the anxiety to do so. Even so, it was unbearably uncomfortable. And I have a feeling that she only agreed to because she had no one else to go with. Or at least that was how I felt about myself.

I have absolutely overlooked signs of interests. But then I feel like it is both—perhaps I overlooked interest but also realised/believed/inferred that maybe they were not even interested in the first place. I will never know. My brain is just not attuned to this. I am more of the type, “If I do not see/hear it, then I never know if it exists.” The subtle cues will never work with me because I just cannot see them. Communication has to be absolutely blunt and blatantly obvious to the point that even a blind/deaf person can sense it. And again, perhaps the way that my personality is, of a type of “opposite guy”, I would be so flattered if a woman went up to me and told me straight, “You are hot. Go out with me.” Of course, like you say, this is highly unlikely. But I would be flattered and would definitely consider going out due to her bravery and lack of anxiety like I have when I approach.

I know that I am having self-esteem issues, but blunt honesty is what I need at all times. I need to know what is going on and where I stand. I can send you the photo tonight, but do not hesitate to tell me what you think.

Since right now I am looking at Italy for study, their bureaucracy is notorious for being delayed and also cumbersome. I also have to take some academic tests, plus an advanced Italian language exam. I personally want the certificate at a higher than required level so hopefully they see that I am better than the average foreign student in the language. Language certificates never hurt even if not totally necessary anyway. So I am not sure how long it might take, but maybe more than a year.

In the meantime, I am wondering if I should try to do a short few-months-long work thing in a Nordic country like Sweden or Finland, just a short one to get a quick change of scenery. Not sure how to do this, nor when. But if the visa application and stuff for Italy takes long, at least I get a temporary change of scenery from going somewhere else first for a short stint. My self-esteem is at a serious low, but at least I can say that I am relatively okay at languages. I know Swedish to intermediate level, and am learning Finnish now. Of course, in the past few days, it has been hard to concentrate.

The California primary is on Tuesday, 3rd March 2020. It was in June four years ago, but this year it is the fifth in order. I am thinking of how to help/work for the campaign. I am thinking that perhaps people there are humbler and more down-to-earth than the people whom I meet at socials.

I suppose that yes it is just like that analogy. It feels like trench warfare where my self-esteem and self-worth are pitted against the insults and failures of my life. And sometimes it feels like the insults and failures are like a blitzkrieg that fall upon me.

I am so embarrassed that this is even an issue for me, that I also find myself in such a situation. I could try to start by talking to my mother again, even though this is really embarrassing to talk about. But you are right that being shameful is not worth suffering in exchange.

I think back to my childhood, how since apparently, I was bullied even since the age of 2. When my mother brought me to nurseries, the other children never wanted to play with me, and I ended up stuck in a corner playing by myself. Then when I started school at age 4, every single year was bullying. In elementary/middle (primary) school, I had constant physical and mental bullying, often on a daily basis. High school was a lot of psychological bullying. Perhaps this really messed up my self-esteem and self-worth up to this day. So many of my classmates were brought into the principal’s office in elementary school because my parents found out that they physically bullied me. One was even threatened with expulsion if he had continued to assault me. Up to now on my left arm, I have a scar because a classmate from elementary school had pushed me so that I fell very hard and got scraped on the pavement. I only managed to make one friend out of all of the years in elementary/middle (primary) school and high (secondary) school. It seemed like wherever I went, the vast majority of people just made fun of me and thought of me as a piece of shït. It seems like these haunting memories might have affected my dating life indirectly by making me hate myself.

You are right, I should not have given in to my compulsion to look at that news article. It is serving as counter-evidence to my own self-worth, since the article talks about people who are my age or older and have always been single/virgin and how they fail in dating solely due to their situation. When I read those articles, sometimes I just feel like saying out loud, “Look how much of a f__king loser I am”.

Since I am my mother’s only child (I have half-brothers, but we share only the same father and all have different mothers), a lot of her feelings sometimes get transferred onto her. A few times over the years she has told me something about how if I feel happy, she feels happy; if I feel sad, she feels sad. And that if I feel depressed and down due to something in my life, then she ends up feeling depressed. I guess that I can kind of understand this—she feels bad that I suffer due to thinking about certain issues.

I often wish that I could enjoy life. I feel like I have spent so much of my time suffering instead of actually living. I feel like I have lived most of my life since birth submerged in a stew of anxiety, depression, awkwardness, loneliness and feeling like I never belonged. Sometimes I compare myself to my mother, and think how did she lose her virginity at 27, had a few (albeit short) relationships in her 20s, yet I am 30 and have totally missed out on all of that? I feel like I must have done something wrong.

It sounds like your family has a long history of being awful to each other.

Remember that the giant orange made his fortune in real estate, so there you go. Not the kind of people who will treat you with respect and acceptance. The housing crisis in your area enables such predators to flourish.

Social struggles and shyness are just part of ASD. Did any of your schools or universities have support programs? Low self-esteem can trigger false beliefs about yourself that no one else actually has. Coping with dishonesty and ambiguity can be hard, especially for someone on the spectrum, but unfortunately that's just life and we all have to learn how to work with it. Pay close attention to whether a person's words match their actions. Social skills training, and assertiveness training, might be of benefit to you of that exists in your area.

Getting out of your area as quickly as possible is a good idea. Times of transition are the best times to change old habits, like rumination and spending time with toxic people. Novelty is stimulating and refreshing and can really change perspective and mood.

The campaign will need all hands on deck if the primary is only 3 months away. Contact it through the candidate's website and they'll probably get back to you. In my case, I filled out a form months ago and attended several events since then, so they contacted me about canvassing and phone banking. It's impossible to feel depressed or hopeless when I'm part of this movement and working for the future I long for.

Shame is probably the most useless and harmful emotion humans are capable of. Problems don't get solved if they're hidden away.

People on the spectrum often have trouble with being bullied through school; sadly, your background has happened to so many people. Acknowledge it for the trauma that it is, and that it was not your fault. Also consider that you might have PTSD. I really think that talking to a counselor would be a good thing for you. There's a lot going on, and self-help and peer support can only do so much.

That's a mom thing there, feeling what her child feels. It's also common in people with very high empathy. Your mom sounds like a sweet lady. It's okay to talk to her about these things even if you fear bringing her down. It will hurt her a lot worse if you suffer in silence, and she'll probably wonder why you didn't feel comfortable talking to her about what you're going through. Moms want to help.


The crisis of belonging is a worldwide epidemic, but seems especially prevalent here in the US. Suicide, addiction, and accidents from reckless behavior are skyrocketing, and life expectancy is declining. Your experiences and pain absolutely deserve to be listened to and validated. It's important, though, to realize that millions of others feel just as deeply in pain and afraid and alone. We have to transfer this into collective action instead of personal despair, or all of humanity will sink lower and lower until there's no place left for any of us. This is what's driving my political involvement.

Comparisons aren't helpful to anyone. And there's no set timeline for anything. Nothing is written onto human DNA that says "By x age, do this or it will never happen."

That would be an understatement. I remember how at my grandfather’s funeral, over half of the attendees refused to acknowledge and greet/shake hands with my mother, and some with me. Kind of messed up to attend the funeral of a man and refuse to greet his daughter and grandson.

Well, he made his fortune also because his father was extremely rich and had given him millions for doing absolutely nothing. Yet, just the numerical value of money makes such people think that they are better than others. The housing crisis here has forced all of my school-age acquaintances and friends to move out. And some people here tell me how poor people deserve to be pushed out, so that tech people and finance people can take their place in those same living quarters. No empathy at all.

I see. Maybe I could feel better being around more empathetic people there in the campaign than at meetups. When I went to a rally last year, people just seemed nice to complete strangers. Genuinely nice, not faking it. Some guy even gave me a couple of campaign signs for free because he saw that I had none.

I had not considered that before. Perhaps I have PTSD. I usually think of PTSD as people who had come back from war, so perhaps my case would be completely different. The extended bullying probably did affect my self-esteem, in addition to the physical scars on my body from the bullying.

I actually talked to my mother a couple hours ago. Of course when my father was not present. It was an uncomfortable, awkward conversation given the topic, like it usually is. She basically told me that there is no timeline whereby I have to accomplish certain things. I told her how I felt old at 30 to be in such a situation, and she said that sometimes things happen for a reason, but that it does not mean that things never happen. When I said how I would only feel normal if I had had sex at around 17 or 18 for example. She said, well say that I had done that and then messed up, had gotten a girl pregnant by mistake when I was in university, and/or even had worse caught a terrible VD like syphilis or AIDS and had ruined my life. I thought about that for a bit. Perhaps with my clumsiness back then that could be a risk. I still wished that I had had sex and had a girlfriend back then, but she said that I just have to look the future, and that if any woman berates me or makes fun of me, then I should forget about her because she is not worth dating. I asked her but she had lost her virginity at 27, and I am 30 and still have not, and why is it like this. She said that it just happened by chance and that she never had a rule that she had to accomplish it before a certain age, then told me to follow suit and not put goals by time that I feel pressured to accomplish. What she said was logical, it just emotionally hurts a lot even though there really is no timeline whereby I must abide.

That is true that timelines are not necessary and that no one has to follow some other person’s arbitrary timeline. Again, it is logical to state this. It is just emotionally difficult to accept what has happened (or not happened, in my case) that I wish had happened. The emotional, illogical side to this is what causes ruminations, because I often find myself compelled to compare myself to other people whom I meet or read about, then I think, I have not done X by age __.

Perhaps I end up seeing evidence because I have somehow encountered quite a lot of women who have berated or criticised me for never having had a girlfriend or sex before and this is used as counterevidence to advice. But perhaps I fail to realise that this is also evidence that where I live here contains people that are very mean-spirited and not empathetic. My mother told me towards the end of the conversation, “You will find a girlfriend someday. Perhaps not here. You need to get out of here. This place is toxic. But somewhere else, I am sure that you will find someone.” It kind of reassured me a bit.

Certainly the orange didn't build his fortune on his own; a rich daddy paved the way for him and used his own connections with the local political machine to aid himself and his son. The ideology that gave us the Robber Barons has not left mainstream culture. Real estate sharks devoured properties foreclosed upon in the 2008 crash and played an enormous impact on what the country is experiencing now. A lot of them focused on your area.

I've experienced that at rallies I've attended as well, and not just events for my candidate. It's a powerful feeling when complete strangers stand together for the same goal and same values. It gives hope for the future of humanity.

PTSD isn't only from traumas like war, sexual assault, or surviving as a hostage. It's something to consider talking to a counselor about.

Your mother is a wise lady and has been in your situation herself. She had a relationship at your age but you wrote of the kind of person your father is. Having someone just to be with someone is NOT a good idea. I know now what a bad relationship is like and will certainly be more cautious in the future. He became verbally and emotionally abusive and I have no doubt that had I not broken up with him, he would have become physically abusive. His behavior after the breakup verged on stalking. I'm single now but content with that until I meet someone who is actually capable of love. He only wanted the security and "status" of having a girlfriend because like you, his family gave him a hard time for still being single at 31. In his case, he was single for a good reason. In yours, it's because you're in the wrong place. Listen to your Mom on this one. You'll do better once you can finally move abroad. That isn't uncommon for people on the spectrum.

No one is 100% logical; we're humans, not Vulcans. People who are convinced that emotion plays no role in their decision making are often the most vulnerable to emotional manipulation; there's been at least one major study on that, probably more. Accepting our emotions without judgement is the key to an emotionally healthy life. The self-compassion site helped me learn that.

You have a great guide in your mom. She has your best interests at heart. The people berating you do not. Who will you listen to?

That is true, the real estate of Manhattan which was constantly booming. And just being handed money, getting an allowance of something like $200000 as a kid is ridiculous. I find it hard that I see this in people here. They say that they worked hard for their money. Displacing people from their homes to build new ones and/or get richer people to move in is not an honourable profession. And receiving inheritance and random bags of money from parents is not work. By definition it just is not. It is true, more than half of the city has been gentrified. The working class are gone. Only rich people and the homeless, essentially. Words cannot describe the dystopic sadness of this place.

I see. I really have to read up on it now. I guess that I just had some superficial understanding. Like when I thought that autism was mostly the severe cases, like stimming and not talking, or that OCD was just hand-washing.

I had to talk to my mother again. This time for over two hours. My father was gone for the weekend, so it was an opportune moment. It was not an easy conversation again, but you are right. Sorry that you had such a terrible relationship. I guess that in a way we are in the same situation, disregarding past relationships. We both try to wait for someone who cares about us. That family pressure I can understand how it creates a lot of “impatience” and self-esteem issues. But yeah, his behaviour was inexcusable. That was definitely not the way that he should have handled his own situation.

My mother gave some more information about her past. I did not know that she had a lot of bad experiences, one after the other. Like how she felt pressure and a bit of shame for being single all the way into her mid 20s, then into her late 20s. And that some of the guys whom she had tried dating were complete arseholes. Like really complete idiots, apart from being too immature, hyperfocussed on sex, or doing really idiotic things such as setting up dates with her, then when she arrives they never show up. And doing this repeatedly like some sort of sick joke. And they found it funny. Or telling her that she would be treated better if she acted “good” and looked “hotter”. I find that really f_cked up. I am not sure what is wrong with the people here. If I had found out that any male acquaintance whom I met acted like that, I would tell him what a prïck he was and never associate with him again. This happened in the mid and late 1980s, so clearly there were quite a few arseholes in this city even back then. Just like me, she fell into a bit of depression in her late 20s thinking that she would be an old maid and never have a relationship and never have children. I think that in addition to loosening up my stress and stopping the problems with my self-esteem, talking with her also kind of helps in knowing what kind of guy not to be.

That is true, you are right. Even though the “counterevidence” of hearing about these negative comments even came straight from the mouths of my previous dates, it does not mean anything about how things objectively are. As in, they might have told me these things, but it is also evidence that this is the pervading attitude in this place, where I clearly do not belong. My mother asked me, “Say that you managed to get into a relationship with one of these women, the ones who made fun of you for being a virgin and single. Would you want to stay with them, even if they judged and made fun of you like that?” so that made me think. I guess that it is a good thing that they rejected me.

My mother told me towards the end of the conversation that in late 1989, the same guy who kept making dates with her and standing her up as a prank had called her again to try the same thing. Except then, she answered him, “Oh, I am busy. You know, I just gave birth to a son…”. The guy got embarrassed and irritated and hung up. So maybe there is some poetic justice. Maybe, in the same way, I will get a girlfriend someday, and the detractors who always made fun of the older single virgin guy end up angry that I have success. That would be something.

My suggestion is to not say anything about your virginity status. No one is going to ask you at 30 so just let people assume that you aren't a virgin. Work on getting in shape if you aren't already. I suggest trying Tinder and having some hook ups. Look for women who just want sex, not a relationship. If it doesn't work out with them, no big deal because you'll never see them again. You're in a big city, so there should be a ton of people to pick from. That will boost your self confidence a bit in terms of sex before you try for a girlfriend. Use condoms, of course. I'm a woman btw.

This whole issue came about exactly because I have been asked before.

Not everyone will ask.

I am seriously struggling a lot with this issue this past week. I am not sure if there is some ASD counselling website or some dating counselling website.

I think that my heart has been shattered with an iron bar. I am not feeling well at all.