Had an extremely rough night with suicidal thoughts and impulses. I want to thank everyone who was online last night to support me through it. It means a lot to me.

Some people say I might be mixed. I don't know. Maybe I am, if I am so impulsive.

I'm trying to remind myself as often as I can that there are people out there who care about me and don't want me to hurt myself, that I would hurt them greatly if I did something to myself.

It doesn't help that my mom had precancerous something cut out of her intestines during a routine colonoscopy. I don't know what exactly it was (because it wasn't clear to me), but apparently the dr said it was due to her very poor eating habits. And the thing is, my mom doesn't care to change. I have offered in the past to get her a personal trainer to come to the house, a nutritionist, etc., but she always came up with the excuse of "I don't have time." Yet she apparently has the time to go out to McDonald's and buy a double quarter pounder with extra cheese, a large fry, and a large vanilla shake. This is why I am frustrated and hurt. And it doesn't help that my dad is an enabler who refuses to admit he is.

I really am feeling so awful right now. I just feel deeply hurt by my mom and dad, and I am already feeling very low and impulsive.

I talked to another friend online (she isn't on this site, but we met on another site in 2006), and that helped me kinda push through the night. I'm back again struggling with the urges and impulses, though.

I would go for a walk, but we got a decent amount of snow last night. I don't know how much, but at least a solid 6 inches, I think. It's not a *ton* of snow like when we get 2 feet dumped on us from a blizzard, but it's enough to be inconvenient. Sidewalks just aren't cleared.