I'm so sorry you're still struggling with all of this. I don't know if I've read all of your posts. But I've read, & replied to, a number of them. I really think, somehow, you have to find a way to get some professional mental-health help with all of this.

My personal opinion at least is that, while we here on PC can try to be as supportive as possible & want to be, the majority of us are not mental health professionals. And we're not in a position to tell you how to heal from all of the struggles you're having.

You asked if ERP could help. I don't know. Maybe. It is, as I understand it, a first-line treatment for OCD. But I certainly can't say for sure. I recall there was also a book that was recommended to you in another thread you posted. Could getting a copy of that book, & reading it, help? I don't know that either... maybe. But ultimately my personal, non-professional opinion is it's time to seek the services of a mental health professional... either a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a mental health therapist. That, to me at least, is the bottom line here. I hope that, in some way, you can find a way to do that.