Well after some thought. maybe it was a bit of a tantrum

He didn't necessarily cancel... he asked to move the time back. I could have pushed the time back but I immediately assumed that he was rejecting me or not interested.

As for the call, he did video chat me (or would) upon asking, and it was clear that he was uncomfortable, but he was trying to make concessions for me and I totally ignored it. My fear of rejection again led me to think that something was wrong that I had to ask. I didn't take into consideration that he made concessions for my needs... twice.

My Dad (former actual pimp) drilled into me that a man will take what a woman gives him even if he doesn't want it, so I was thinking that my asking = begging and that his concession had a string attached... not good.

...and I had no right to do the "maybe we should just be friends" thing out of the blue because he didn't call. I had a fleeting thought that he may have not been feeling well (he does have migraines) but got so "stuck" that I disregarded all of the right stuff and just what I wanted / needed at the time.

I so wish I would have politely asked what happened instead of giving him the "Integrity is important to me speech..."

Needless to say... I pushed him away. I totally get it. Too much too fast.

I really WANT a decent relationship but I'm so terrified of them that I sabatoge. I let him know what I needed and he was trying. My "three strikes and you're out" mentality cost me a decent guy.

Thankfully, I have a therapy session tomorrow...