Thank you for this article.

My sons are more this: “A parent who is capable of giving love typically has a positive self-image and maintains a sense of compassion for the child and for himself, yet remains separate and aware of the boundaries between them. Such a parent acts respectfully toward the child and is not abusive or overprotective. The tone and style of communication are natural and easy and indicates a real understanding of the individuality of the child. The loved child actually looks loved. He or she is lively and displays independence appropriate to his or her age level. He or she is genuinely centered in himself or herself.”

When I was a child in relation with my mother (no father), it was a mixture of healthy and fairly verbally abusive and overprotective, but also a bit underprotective, too.

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I’m not fearful of death. I’ve had a strange acceptance of it having had my father die when I was 12.
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“can result in serious limitations in both the child's later career and personal life, can threaten his or her sense of self and autonomy and can be more destructive than more obvious abuses.”

^This is interesting concerning my son; he got married at 24, graduating a top university with a Bachelors. He took an entry level job at a company unrelated to what he majored in. He says he hates it. He did a series of things outrageously hurtful to us regarding his wedding and what I call ‘individuation on steroids’, which I believe is in conjunction with his wife. I wish this all hadn’t happened, yet I had no way to avoid it. The pushing away was definitely the plan.

Please, no more doubting what I am saying, reversing it on me, as it is not helpful to me. I’m trying to just move past it all now. I feel less traumatic pain and more acceptance now. I am very glad he and I are in minimal communication at least.

Which brings me to:

“A fantasy bond can become a death pact in which the individuals narcotize each other to kill off pain and genuine feeling. Often it serves as a license to act out destructive behavior because the individualsbelong to each other and have implicitly agreed that their relationship will last forever. The myth of the family love and regard for the individuals that comprise it is a shared conspiracy to deny the aloneness and pain of its members. It is a concerted refusal to acknowledge the facts of life, death, and separateness and live with integrity.”
^ Does this imply the family relationship bond doesn’t last forever? Did I miss the memo?