Is it possible to love someone, but not like?

Or possible to love someone, but treat them really badly?

Are there two hats we wear; loving, but then disliking or cruel?

To me, it feels like once you are feeling or being treated negatively you are not loving. It is what it seems. It is then negative and not love.

IME, I have been badly treated by people who claim to love me. I doubt their love is sincere, or they wouldn’t have treated me so badly. I don’t treat the ones I love badly, and if I do start to dislike and treat them badly, then I really don’t feel love anymore.

I’m interested in your thoughts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv Or possible to love someone, but treat them really badly?

Yes. I think the question is if that person was in trouble would you selflessly give up your own stuff for them... then you love them.

Day to day spats and feelings probably mean nothing.

Such as a mother daughter relationship where the kid might fight constantly and say the most cruel things but if the mom got diagnosed with cancer or something the kid would drop everything to be at their side.

Thanks, Emily, that touched me. I have a son with whom I had a great, loving relationship with. We never had one argument. He met a girl and his whole head turned around. He turned against my husband and me. I told him, “You couldn’t have loved us and treated us like you did.” That only made him more hostile and distant. I wonder if he would come if I were on my death bed. Does it matter by then? I lost my loving son. My husband even begged him to have some mercy on us because ‘Mom has emotional issues’ (It was his wedding he made it unpalatable for us to attend, seriously). All we asked of him was one small concession that would allow us to stand there without breaking down in tears, but he said, “No special treatment for MI”: Is that love? WTH happened? Loving son, meets girl, converts to hateful person.

There was a motivational speaker I heard once who said love was like a jar where you put coins. Every time you do something loving, in goes a coin. Every time you do something the opposite, out goes a coin. What you have left in the jar is what you feel.

But then there was the example of my son where it was a lifetime of love and one outrageously unloving about face put a halt to the whole relationship.

I think it’s fairly common to love family members yet don’t necessarily like them as people. I don’t like my father as a person at all but I sure love him. One of my stepkids is very difficult (the other one is great), my husband loves her dearly (and so do I) but most certainly he doesn’t like her as a person and frankly most people don’t

I think with friendships and romantic relationships, if I don’t like someone I am out. In families it’s not the same. We choose friends and lovers/romantic partners, we sure didn’t choose our families. We can still love them even if they sometimes suck as people

You can generally dislike someone but still act decent and not be cruel, just keep a distance

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv Thanks, Emily, that touched me. I have a son with whom I had a great, loving relationship with. We never had one argument. He met a girl and his whole head turned around. He turned against my husband and me. :

I think it is understandable that a guy can have his head turned around by a girl and still love you. We all make mistakes. Guys in particular, how can I put it, are driven my their hormones in someways so I am really not sure at all that it could reflect on his love for you. Especially with regard to a parent you might take them a bit for granted.. feeling they will always be there for you so you can give them a bit of short shrift.

My brother met this psycho when he was in his 30s. I don't think he was horrible but she definitely came first and he did hurtful things that he didn't know or care was hurtful just to keep her. In the end -it went badly with the girl and mom was there for him. He realized what a fool he had been. But you can't see it necessarily when testosterone is flowing.

I think you are correct, and this is the case.

Honestly I suspect that your son might feel similar how you feel. Like if you love someone, sometimes you do certain things for them regardless if you like it or not. And it goes both ways.

He might think since you love him you had to accept that it’s HIS wedding, his bride and he can do whatever he feels right and he probably felt that if you loved him you’d attend his wedding even if it made you uncomfortable. You love your son though. So see you can love someone and still hurt their feelings.

Same happened with him. He loves you yet he didn’t think he had to do things to make you happy like that upsetting situation with him getting her a diamond not of yours choosing and then him not making changes to the wedding to make you comfortable. Love really had nothing to do with it. He loves you but he didn’t feel he needed to make those consolations

We hurt people’s feelings all the time consciously or subconsciously directly and indirectly. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them or they don’t love us. A lot of things we just have to accept. And we have to accept that when our kids marry they “leave home”. They have to make their spouse and their new home a priority (unless they want a divorce). It doesn’t mean they love us less. Just their priorities shifted, and that’s how it has to be

Thanks for your input, but this is frustrating, Divine. The diamond was not ‘of my choosing’. In essence I was giving him thousands of dollars and all I asked him to do was call me before he paid for the ring they chose. I tried to explain this to you many times in that old thread, and still you twist it.

You are also assuming about what happened with the wedding and coming down on me. What motivated you to post this? (No need to respond to this queestion). It upsets me that I can’t post about this issue, without criticism.

Not a criticism. Not saying you were wrong. You and your son both fell you were in the right. My observation of family situations taught me that people could love each other yet hurt each other feelings because sometimes it’s inevitable and sometimes it just happens

You said something like “if we love someone we wouldn’t treat them certain way”. I don’t think that’s the case. I am sure I hurt my daughters feelings and she hurt mine. It’s inevitable. It doesn’t mean there is no love.
Ideally people always treat each other right and no one d ever gets hurt. In reality that’s not the case

You said if your son loved you he’d not do XYZ. I am sure he loves you. He just doesn’t think he needs to do XYZ. And he likely thinks that you had to do XYZ simply because of love. But you didn’t. Doesn’t mean you don’t love him. That’s just how it is in life.

I don't think love and treating someone badly can exist together. Treating someone poorly is not loving behavior OR love. And yes, it's possible to feel love towards someone, but not like aspects of them. But if you don't like any part of them, then I would say it's difficult to actually feel love for that person.

I don’t think it’s as cut and dry. Yes abuse can’t happen in love. But bad treatment is subjective. Sometimes you have to say no to your loved ones. They might consider it bad treatment or “you don’t love me” but it might be just a necessity or inability to compromise. My dad thinks every time someone says no to him and doesn’t do what he thinks people (family or friends or anyone else) should do, it’s bad treatment and lack of love. But I don’t think so. Not every wish or demand could be met. It doesn’t mean there is no love.

Emotional hunger came to mind again. Maybe this link may answer your question? It's a random link I found that differentiates between love and emotional hunger. I'm sure there are better sources out there..

Emotional Hunger Vs. Love | Psychology Today Canada

Edit: Emotional Hunger is not Love. How To Tell If Someone Is In Love With You — Or If They’re Just Emotionally Dependent. – SACAC Counselling

That’s an interesting comparison. Here is another article on the subject
Emotional Hunger Vs. Love | Psychology Today

I think it refers more to parent/child relationship but could be applied to romantic. In both cases I think when it’s love you put their needs fist (within reason) but when its emotional hunger we put our needs first and end up hurting other person, even though we might think we act out of love

What an interesting topic

Funny, I've only heard it with regards to relationships until I was looking for a link for this thread. I'm thinking it ties into it..?

It looks like it's the same article as the one I posted. I think Psychology Today is divided into various areas but with the same content.

Thanks, Divine. To keep being accused of my demanding to pick out my DIL’s engagement ring is maddening.

Yes, “bad treatment” is subjective. I accept that we’re not mad about every quality of our loved ones. Some habits might infuriate us, but we still love them. The relationships I’ve had with several very close people now, have been that they have acted really outrageously unlovingly that knocked me for a loop so badly, I can’t help but think they don’t really love me. I can’t see how someone could be heartless and cruel and be loving. This issue really confuses me.

Now among these several people, I have dealt with them by ignoring the actions of one and acting like all is well, ceasing to be another’s friend, moving on without ever getting an apology and maintaining a minimal relationship with another, with another we both never called the other again to be social but now just act like nothing happened and interacted as a family without really interacting , with my son I reach out gently and consistently and they respond with a casual coolness, and with my husband I want to live together happily but can’t relax intimately or stop getting upset about it. We start a new therapist next week and I’m exhausted from this thing with him. I also DO NOT want to get into it with another person ever again.

Oh is it? I didn’t see. Looked different to me

Thank you for this article.

My sons are more this: “A parent who is capable of giving love typically has a positive self-image and maintains a sense of compassion for the child and for himself, yet remains separate and aware of the boundaries between them. Such a parent acts respectfully toward the child and is not abusive or overprotective. The tone and style of communication are natural and easy and indicates a real understanding of the individuality of the child. The loved child actually looks loved. He or she is lively and displays independence appropriate to his or her age level. He or she is genuinely centered in himself or herself.”

When I was a child in relation with my mother (no father), it was a mixture of healthy and fairly verbally abusive and overprotective, but also a bit underprotective, too.

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I’m not fearful of death. I’ve had a strange acceptance of it having had my father die when I was 12.
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“can result in serious limitations in both the child's later career and personal life, can threaten his or her sense of self and autonomy and can be more destructive than more obvious abuses.”

^This is interesting concerning my son; he got married at 24, graduating a top university with a Bachelors. He took an entry level job at a company unrelated to what he majored in. He says he hates it. He did a series of things outrageously hurtful to us regarding his wedding and what I call ‘individuation on steroids’, which I believe is in conjunction with his wife. I wish this all hadn’t happened, yet I had no way to avoid it. The pushing away was definitely the plan.

Please, no more doubting what I am saying, reversing it on me, as it is not helpful to me. I’m trying to just move past it all now. I feel less traumatic pain and more acceptance now. I am very glad he and I are in minimal communication at least.

Which brings me to:

“A fantasy bond can become a death pact in which the individuals narcotize each other to kill off pain and genuine feeling. Often it serves as a license to act out destructive behavior because the individualsbelong to each other and have implicitly agreed that their relationship will last forever. The myth of the family love and regard for the individuals that comprise it is a shared conspiracy to deny the aloneness and pain of its members. It is a concerted refusal to acknowledge the facts of life, death, and separateness and live with integrity.”
^ Does this imply the family relationship bond doesn’t last forever? Did I miss the memo?

I believe that family bond lasts forever but it’s a fantasy to expect it to go unchanged. As parents we can’t expect same bond with our children in adulthood as when they were two. There has to be amount of separateness and individualizations that we simply must accept no matter how hard it is. Fantasy bond does not exist. Real bonds do but they change and transform. No one belongs to anyone. Our kids will choose their lives and often times we wish they did something different but so what. They don’t belong to us. Yes family love is mostly forever but it must undergo changes. When we don’t accept change we bound to live life of misery and pain.

The link I shared was about empathy vs love. I learned aboout it with regards to relationships with our SO, not with our children. I didn't make that connection about the children until I saw these links. It was hard to find one that specifically talks about relationships.

So, in answering your post title, emotional hunger could possibly play a role? Only you would know the answer to it.

Were these people romantically involved with you? If so, this would be an example of emotional hunger, IMO.

I did not have former bf’s act unexpectedly cruel to me. Mostly, they were very loving. I thought I had a good relationship with my FOO and my kids. I first came to PC with issues with my husband regarding intimacy. That issue still continues and it’s been a very rocky road.

The others I mentioned here were my FOO and only one of three sons. I had this really unnecessary falling out with some of my FOO which resulted in a severed relationship with one sister. She acted quite cruel to my shock. My mother has become quite difficult, but she is advanced in age and physically ill. She played a role in it and now we are carefully in contact. Then this disaster happened with my son, to my shock.

So I’ve had more trauma recently and I am trying to move forward.

Thank you, I do appreciate your input (sincerely, in reference to your other thread )

And one was a lifelong friend who was emotionally abusive and wouldn’t stop. It was toxic.

Yikes! Actually, I first came on here because my mother was ruining yet another holiday with her controlling behavior! That was over 5 years ago. Ironically, it was over gluten free cookies for my son who ended up devastating us.

May I ask what brought about this cruelty on other family members' parts? Did you contribute to the toxic nature of these relationships in any way? You have a severed relationship with a sister and a strained relationship with your son. What happened?