You are describing a total mental breakdown IMO. Sometimes we cannot bear the pain, loneliness, fear, etc life sends our way and we go off the rails. Are you getting any kind of mental health treatment? I am glad you are still talking about it here. It helps to talk about it. Posting, talking, finding helpful Youtube videos and reading about other ways to cope and heal can help. I reached my "bottom" mentally in 2015 (had a nervous breakdown that began around 2012) and was still a huge mess until recently. One positive thing that came from it all is that it strengthened my faith. Please don't feel bad about repeating your story. What is great about this forum is that you can post anytime you need to and we all have the option to pick and choose when to read others posts. So no one will get tired if you repeat your story. And sometimes the way we heal is to revise our past story as we gain further understanding and perspective. I do follow your posts Gasplessly. Try not to be ashamed of what happened! We are all only human and all have a breaking point. Please forgive yourself! Message me anytime.