Need to tell someone about it

There is only a way to describe what happened to my life in the last three years. I say it to myself every morning while hiding in the bed in darkness: "something between grotesque and non-sense sadness"
Sorry for the drama

It started in 2017, in a moment where I should have been in control of myself, since I had enough life experience behind me. I had already experienced depression and losses and had finally some maturity in my by bag
...but.

I met a guy and fell in love, but was scared and lost him in a non-sense way
It continued going down and "ended" with the death of my father to co-vid this year in April . I couldn't even say goodbye to him; it was sudden

I've been unemployed ("i used to be a regular worker earlier... what have i done with my life?") all the time
-i'm a woman in her early thirties.must say it

I feel I've been abandoned by my therapist in a delicate moment; but more than one factor were involved all along
And I can't blame anyone except my own broken head

As the time was passing ("how could have been more than two years with no reaction?") I couldn't move and was alone shutted in the house most of the time

Last year I tried to fix what happened with that person; he rejected me because of my visible instability and the fact that I wasn't even able to say sorry in a normal way. I have difficult explaining this part. I met him in a catatonic state
I suffered for post-traumatic stress and he probably did too, but we remain distant and never text each other again
I was feeling dead and experiencing a physical pain: couldn't sleep, head hurting

I contacted a terapist in a not enough visible desperate mode to explain the situation
I had an urgent need to talk to him but i didn't know how anymore
I was feeling ignore by everyone and I possibly had a climax of psychotic state

A year has passed since the last time I saw him
Not a text, just a non-sense suffering, silence and emptiness. I was letting myself go and trying to ease the pain with sleep

At first (2017) I couldn't see it coming, then when I lost him I remained paralyzed

I currently still suffer from post traumatic stress and found relief in sleep and fantasies that this never happened
I wish i could open my eyes in 2017 and restart from there.
It was a total dark non-sense

You are describing a total mental breakdown IMO. Sometimes we cannot bear the pain, loneliness, fear, etc life sends our way and we go off the rails. Are you getting any kind of mental health treatment? I am glad you are still talking about it here. It helps to talk about it. Posting, talking, finding helpful Youtube videos and reading about other ways to cope and heal can help. I reached my "bottom" mentally in 2015 (had a nervous breakdown that began around 2012) and was still a huge mess until recently. One positive thing that came from it all is that it strengthened my faith. Please don't feel bad about repeating your story. What is great about this forum is that you can post anytime you need to and we all have the option to pick and choose when to read others posts. So no one will get tired if you repeat your story. And sometimes the way we heal is to revise our past story as we gain further understanding and perspective. I do follow your posts Gasplessly. Try not to be ashamed of what happened! We are all only human and all have a breaking point. Please forgive yourself! Message me anytime.

Sending you support and love, Gasplessy. You ill make it through this. I lost my precious son to my illness, meaning, I have not spoken to him in 8 years. So, these things do sometimes happen and you are not alone.

You must push through this. You cannot give up. Keep moving forward. Prayers!!

How did you lose your lover in a non-sense way?