Well my means to an end it may be over but at least my means to a means is working again. Haha. I’m trying to call work to figure out if they’re gonna fire me for missing nd not having enough time to cover it. Of course I can’t talk to anyone located in the building who would be able to help me, and considering I’ve become a problem child for them I don’t see it going well. They’ll do a “seek to understand” meeting but I was hoping to not have to travel 30min one way and waste precious gas and money to hear I’m fired. We’ll see how that goes. I had to put in a “ticket” for a call.

Car is fixed. In hind sight it was simple to fix. My car didn’t “fall apart” although my tire literally exploded off the rim. It was a case of towing to a place that can put on a tire. Done deal. $100 all together. I mean yesterday I was nearly ready to give up life I was so upset. It was just a tire.

But anxiety doesn’t work rationally— what ifs and potential problem after potential problem come up, I’m forced to deal with other people beyond the scope I’m willing. I’m tired of giving my life story to get some help. I’m a millennial and I’ll be the first to say I’m the worst about talking to people. Yet, flip side — I get pissed when I know I HAVE to in order to get a resolution, like with work, but can’t.

If they fire me, they fire me. My health has deteriorated but the upside is the work didn’t deteriorate me, just the people and policies and lack of communication. I get paid Friday. I can pay for a few more weeks here and figure out plan B. Going back to my toxic home may be all I have.

Can I just say how disappointed I am in my mother? Why she did end up helping me with calling and finding a solution to my car she added every possible worst case scenario to the mix and used the fear to try to force me home.

“If you lived at home I could help you. Your one tire blew out the rest might as well and you’ll get in a wreck and die. Just let me come up there and help you move home.” .... cause that was helpful yesterday. 🙄 “...I don’t know why you want to live in all that stress”.

Shouldn’t it say something I’d much rather than go back? Anyway..

I feel better that my means of travel is fixed. Today is a success at least for that. I’m not trapped in one place or dependent on anyone right now. I have capability again. I have control.