Bipolar Check-In #49

I’m not really in a good mood but I’m not in a crisis either. I got out of the house today which is good. I’m just crabby for some reason. I feel ok physically besides the fact my weight was weirdly low. I’m just kinda concerned with everything. I’ve lost about 6 pounds unintentionally. Although I do feel better today. And I found cotton candy chapstick. Which is cool.

Well my means to an end it may be over but at least my means to a means is working again. Haha. I’m trying to call work to figure out if they’re gonna fire me for missing nd not having enough time to cover it. Of course I can’t talk to anyone located in the building who would be able to help me, and considering I’ve become a problem child for them I don’t see it going well. They’ll do a “seek to understand” meeting but I was hoping to not have to travel 30min one way and waste precious gas and money to hear I’m fired. We’ll see how that goes. I had to put in a “ticket” for a call.

Car is fixed. In hind sight it was simple to fix. My car didn’t “fall apart” although my tire literally exploded off the rim. It was a case of towing to a place that can put on a tire. Done deal. $100 all together. I mean yesterday I was nearly ready to give up life I was so upset. It was just a tire.

But anxiety doesn’t work rationally— what ifs and potential problem after potential problem come up, I’m forced to deal with other people beyond the scope I’m willing. I’m tired of giving my life story to get some help. I’m a millennial and I’ll be the first to say I’m the worst about talking to people. Yet, flip side — I get pissed when I know I HAVE to in order to get a resolution, like with work, but can’t.

If they fire me, they fire me. My health has deteriorated but the upside is the work didn’t deteriorate me, just the people and policies and lack of communication. I get paid Friday. I can pay for a few more weeks here and figure out plan B. Going back to my toxic home may be all I have.

Can I just say how disappointed I am in my mother? Why she did end up helping me with calling and finding a solution to my car she added every possible worst case scenario to the mix and used the fear to try to force me home.

“If you lived at home I could help you. Your one tire blew out the rest might as well and you’ll get in a wreck and die. Just let me come up there and help you move home.” .... cause that was helpful yesterday. 🙄 “...I don’t know why you want to live in all that stress”.

Shouldn’t it say something I’d much rather than go back? Anyway..

I feel better that my means of travel is fixed. Today is a success at least for that. I’m not trapped in one place or dependent on anyone right now. I have capability again. I have control.

Jugs, M.

just had maybe the worst run of my life. Now in a rage. Want to destroy everything in my apt. Never angry. In a rage.

I have no shot if I cannot run. Biking does little for my depression. The only antidepressant that works is life-threatening. Want to break everything.. Maybe just get in bed and starve to death.

Hi Soupe du jour,

Yes, my therapist and psychiatrist discuss this regularly. They're glad to hear the progress and are working with me to ensure that the change is sustainable. Not a flash in the pan like it was whenever I'd flip from a 6-month manic period to a 12 months of crippling depression.

Really appreciate the support!

I'm mostly cool. Some recurring violent images in my mind that are very unpleasant. They're stupid, too. Just these flash-bulb things. Appointment with pdoc tomorrow, so will mention it to her.

Hugs all around

One awful run in the course of many is to be expected. Sometimes though, endorphins behave unexpectedly...

'Endorphins may also be responsible for heightened states of rage or anxiety. If your endorphins overdo their job or the hypothalamus misreads the endorphin cue, you could be flooded with "fight-or-flight" hormones at the slightest hint of trouble or worry.'

It seems like maybe the chemical release of the run could be working against you today. Sit and breathe. Drink lots of water. Eat a grounding meal. Punch a pillow. Let it pass.

Runs can be pleasurable again. Try not to worry. No need to jump to conclusions yet. Hang in there.

Okay. Thak you. I will try.

Do or do not. There is no try. -yoda

Just a quick update, finally got word from work. Having to take a leave of absence dated yesterday to keep my job. It works out OK, because I’ve been talking about work accommodations anyway and we’ve been trying to work on that paperwork forever that won’t submit online. Just another problem in the system. It sucks to have to be off work but at least I have a job still right? I’ll be looking for others. Frustrated with work and a bit pissed off. I’m sick and tired of this ****.

I got back to meditation today. It was making me feel so good, i can't just give up. It was helping me eat better ('trust in my inner wisdom and goodness' and 'accept the situation as it is in order to have the inner conviction to take action to change'). It was helping me work around my home better (cleaned out one of four junk drawers stuffed so full they can't close). I can't just give up!

@Mountaindewed: Cotton-candy lip balm sounds marvy!

@MarcusAurelius: So happy you got your car fixed and that it went smoothly. I hope you find a way to maintain your independence as the situation with your mom sounds grim. I'm cheering you on!

@bpcyclist: Sorry you had a rage-y run. Mindfulness reminds us of the impermanence of things. This will pass. @fern46 gave you some great support.

Hugs to all who struggle!

Doc upped my lexapro from 10 to 20mg

Glad to hear meditation has been helping you and that you're getting back into it. I love meditation, I've found it to be one of the most helpful things ever.

I'm so tired but I have to stay up. Its only7:15! I got up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 4:30 this morning after not getting to sleep until 2 a.m. Talked with my friend all day while I cleaned! N3 came over and cleaned again. I hope I get up early and clean again. Yay! It was nice. I got Starbucks too- around 7 a.m. note: i slept until 3 pm yesterday! I hate that about me! Id better not sleep in tomorrow.

depression hitting me as psychosis subsides, wonderful.

Ah, the great Yoda.

Well,itmay be short lived. See how it is tomorrow. Just take it an hour at a time. In the moment.

Hugs.

Maybe ketamine or another glutamate drug, if needed
They do work.

Apologies for my tantrum. I realize what is under this is terror. I live in abject terror of my depression. I have 50-plus yrs of it, toddler-onset, congenital.

I am so scared we won't be able to treat me. I am crying just writing this. So frightened.

Hugs and love to all my crew.

There were a lot of years that it was obvious that I was running out of traditional meds and I was afraid. My pdoc told me honestly that I might run out of those choices but that she'd never stop looking for me and that I should know there was always clozapine. I was scared of clozapine but I came to find a lot of comfort in that phrase. And when I ran out of meds (barring typicals because I've had dystonias and other issues on them and nobody wants to try them again if it can be avoided) there was clozapine.

That's true for you too. I know you've been trying to do everything else possible first, as I did, and you've been doing well on trilafon. So maybe you need your dose adjusted. Or maybe you just need to take some deep breaths and remember there's always clozapine. There's probably always some other meds but for me it was clozapine.

Thank you, Rainbow. But does it work for depression?

I got dystonia from Abilify and have stopped it. I cannot exercise w dystonia. It went away.

I haven't had a bad depression since I've been on it and the depressions I have had haven't been nearly as severe. I still get a mixed episode every summer that is easily controlled but that's about it except for situational stuff. For me Emsam helped depression a lot (I know that doesn't work for you) but the combination seems to really be good for me.

been on clozapine about 2 months now. 1/3 of my way thru the first six months of weekly blood draws.

I know it's hard to believe but eventually you won't even remember that part. At least I don't. And on monthly you it's easy. Plus by the time you are monthly everyone there knows your name. It's like an old episode of Cheers although I've had to change labs thanks to the pandemic so I lost that.

Yeah the lab people already recognize me. For example, I came in this morning and before i even signed in I got asked if I was doing the absolute neutrophil count again.

We support you, pal. It will get better. Don't give up.

Hugs.