> how can I get my husband to learn how to be considerate and unselfish?

That's the big question, isn't it?

> How can someone who is a great father (and he really is, I couldn't ask for better) be such a lousy husband?

Do you know why he is such a good father? Maybe he could learn to turn some of that caring onto you too. Or maybe he thinks you are his parent whom he does not want to show care for?