Selfish husband raised by selfish parents is killing our marriage

Let me start by saying hello to everyone again, it's wonderful to be able to come back to this helpful site.

In the six years we have been married, my husband has never been there for me, not emotionally or when I have needed physical help. He is very self centered, insensitive and incosiderate, and it stems directly from his upbringing. I am a giver, a "fixer", and extremely independent, so it's always very hard for me to ask for help of any kind. I have Endometriosis (which has progressed in the last few years to the point where I need a hysterectomy) , have had three really tough pregnancies (I am in week 34 of my third now), and have had miscarriages and a terrifying car accident. As tough as I am, I have needed to lean on him more than a few times. He's left me hanging every time, alone to deal with things on my own, and it's getting to the point where I question why I bother staying married to him.

This pregnancy has been rough, I'm having gallbladder, potassium and contraction issues. We have no family here, and what few friends we have made have all moved away in the last year. Our boys are 4 and 2, I am a stay at home Mom, my husband is in the restaurant business, which means his days are long. I willingly gave up my career to be home with my family, and I love it, but my health has made it tough at times.

This beautiful little girl in my womb is giving her momma a really hard time, I'm one more incident away from being put on bed rest, and we could really use some physical help around the house. I'm not comfortable hiring a stranger for only a few weeks. My Mom has been an angel whenever she can, and would be here in a heartbeat, but she is way up in Canada and other family obligations make it impossible for her to get down her to help me for a few months. My husbands parents, who are also 2000 miles away, can't see passed the end of their own noses long enough to come and help their son. His Dad got laid off three weeks ago (they would not be destitute if he came to help for a while - my Mom even offered to pay him!), but even though my husband swallowed his pride and almost begged for help, they said No.

This has been the case his whole life. His parents are very selfish people, who put their needs before their children needs. That being said, his two younger brothers have been spoiled to the point that they are almost incapable of looking after themselves. My husband's mother is very materialistic, and his dad is very passive in letting her do whatever she wants with their money. They bail the other sons out constantly, both monetarily and time wise, but the few times my hubby has asked for any sort of support, he's been turned down. My husband moved as far away as he could get, glad to get away. I have gotten the feeling that my mother in law punishes my husband for moving so far away from her. And when it comes to our children, out of sight is out of mind - never any calls from their Grandma and Grandpa to see how they're doing, no presents at Easter or other "kid friendly" holidays, just a check for birthdays and Christmas. My husband's irresponsible, lazy, brother's son however, has all but been raised by the two of them, they take care of him all the time. With these two people as examples his whole life, I can see how my husband has become selfish and self centered, but as an adult I believe he chooses the way he behaves and treats other people. And let me tell you, it's prett ysad when a husband shows more consideration to the people who work for him than he shows his own wife.

He does no housework. The weeds in the backyard are waist high. The pool is a swamp. He'll start laundry once in a while, but I have to finish it. I do the grocery shopping, load the dishwasher, and cook most of the meals. He stays up until all hours, playing video games, or working on the new business venture he's started. He sleeps until 10:00 or 10:30 everyday, and only sets an alarm when he has to go in to work first thing in the morning (once a month maybe). And you know what, I probably wouldn't give a damn and do everything myself, if I wasn't struggling physically. I have asked him for help a thousand times!

Whenever we've been through a tough time in our marriage, my husband turned into himself. He never communicates, and every "conversation" we have is actually a long monologue by me, met by silence. I finally spit at him this morning that I wish just once he would consider my needs before his own, and all he brings into this marriage is a paycheck. But he was so upset that he was running late, all I got wass a "sorry", he even forgot to say good-bye to me! He always apologizes for his behavior, says he's a lousy husband, talks a great game about how much he loves me and I deserve better, but his actions remain the same. I'm sick of hearing "I'm sorry", the words are hollow.

So, after this long winded post, let me ask you this: how can I get my husband to learn how to be considerate and unselfish? Is it even possible at this point? How can someone who is a great father (and he really is, I couldn't ask for better) be such a lousy husband?

Any and all input is always greatly appreciated, and more helpful than you know! Thank you for listening.

(((((((((((wounded1))))))))))))
I'm not sure how to help your husband be more considerate but I do believe it is possible. I am sorry you are going through such a hard time right now, I hope everything gets better for you soon.

> how can I get my husband to learn how to be considerate and unselfish?

That's the big question, isn't it?

> How can someone who is a great father (and he really is, I couldn't ask for better) be such a lousy husband?

Do you know why he is such a good father? Maybe he could learn to turn some of that caring onto you too. Or maybe he thinks you are his parent whom he does not want to show care for?

This has got to be such a hard time for you right now. I remember when I was pregnant and almost due, I would not have been able to make it through without the help of some family and friends.
I know how it feels to have a husband like the one you described, mine is very much like that too. I have come to the conclusion that he is NOT going to change. I have given him 5 long years and he is still behaving in the same selfish way. I wish I had more positive things to say to you but I think part of it has to do with his parents and upbringing and the other has to do with what he wants. And if he hasn't tried to change, even a little bit after all those years, he probably doesn't want to.

The only advice I can give is to try counseling. If he really loves you he will be willing to go. Maybe learning how to communicate his feelings to you will be of some help.

I wish you much luck and you take care of yourself and that baby!!!

I hear ya Wounded. I'm really sorry - I can relate to your situation on so many levels. I don't know if my husband is 'selfish' per se, but he rarely steps up to meet his responsibilities - it's partly a combination of him relying on me to be my independent self, and partly because our priorities are extremely different. My husband does like to mow the lawn, but the weeds in your yard being waist-high might be extremely important to you but your husband might not see it that way.

I'm sorry you're not comfortable hiring help for a few weeks - although we are strapped for money right now, I hired a gardener to do some weeding and increased the cleaning lady visits to weekly because (especially after 34 weeks pregnant). My husband wasn't doing it, I just kept exhausting myself trying to fit it all in, and I was sure that it wasn't good for the baby for me to be stressed out about it. For me, coughing up the money was well worth it, and it actually took a lot of tension out of our relationship for the past few weeks because I wasn't as resentful and my husband wasn't feeling pressured and guilty. We both started being a lot nicer and more nurturing to each other.

I agree with BrnEyedGirl that you can only put so much of the blame onto his parents. My dad was extremely selfish but neither my brother nor I are.

So yeah - hire help & require counseling - those are the only two things I can think of, or rather, the only two things that I have done that have worked for me in almost the same situation.

Good luck..

(((((((( wounded )))))))))

The only helpful advice that I can give you is that men usually don't change. I just left my husband today. He was the same way except for he hurt me in a lot of different ways. You should down and have a talk with him, if he don't want to change for you.... then he must not be worth it.

You most be a very strong person. Being a man i have inside info for you . Alot of men think once they married you the own you and don't have to try any more to win you over . Sad but true just remember that we have smaller brains and think skulls so it may take time but you need to let him know you are not a peace of furniture that you got two legs that can get up and walk out. I think you are going to find that you are not alone that alot of woman go though this.

Jessicag, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I discovered my husband was attempting to start a new "cyber relationship" again yesterday (the way he deals with things when times get tough is to run away and find what I call his "feel good fix"), and I ended our marriage as well. I am almost 20 years older than you, so I have a bit more life experience behind me which will make the going easier, but I still share your pain.

When women give our love, and our trust, we expect the same in return, and we should. Love means different things to different people, male or female, and I think that's where the issue lies. Love to me means putting others before yourself, to my husband it means something different. I have to accept that it's who he is, and try and stay strong for my kids. Being pregnant, my life isn't my own right now, but yours is. Please know that happiness is possible, and it is what you deserve.

Feel free to lean on me whenever you need it. If my life lessons can help you in anyway, it's just more proof that everything happens for a reason.

xoxo