i guess i'll put this in here - sorry if it shouldn't.


it's been one *h* of a roller coaster ride lately - and it just got worse. emotionally, i'm all over the f-ing place

this week, i had an appt with my optometrist. it was nerve-racking, draining, and incredibly high on the anxiety/worrisome level! after hearing the latest update from me, he said:
i want you to get tested for these [the list he handed me]. have your specialist doctor test you for these, to rule them out as the cause of your symptoms.
the list read: MS, Aneurysm, Stroke, Graves Disease, & Myasthenia Gravis !!!

i mean,
there may not be a massive concern that one of those actually is happening but the fact he specifically wrote it down -> that says something!

i'm so f-ing scared and freaked out! no one knows this yet (IRL). so i'm tackling this alone at the moment. the fear in me keeps growing. at times, i can't stop thinking about this -> that list keeps repeating in my head, only adding to the fear!

and then there's the anxiety & stress: do i tell anyone about this yet?? or just wait to see what tests are done & what those results are???
but how in the world do you even break that kind of 'news' or info to people????? i mean, holy blank!


i see my specialist doctor next week. and man, will he be surprised at how things have changed / grown & expanded / progressed in the 'worse' direction?!?! they better figure out what is going on soon, and what 'condition' this is, so treatment can be started soon -> before i'm no longer able to be "me" again (do the things i have done my entire life) !!!


if you want to read more, check out:

could use something
pain & frustrations
dark place