Quote:
Originally Posted by BethRags
I have such a dilemma. My cousin's daughter, so my 2nd cousin, is in northern California from New York. She's leaving on Friday and wants to see me before she goes. She's my son's age, 32, and she's traveling with her partner, he's her age. In theory I would like to see her. If I was a normal person, if I wasn't on so many meds that I can't hold a normal conversation because my cognitive ability is so compromised. If I hadn't gained so much weight since I last saw her. If I had money to take them to a restaurant. Coffee would be an idea, but the only 2 coffeehouses in town closed up during covid, sadly.
I'm trying to come up with some kind of reason to avoid meeting her. The anxiety is just too great for me. My anxiety has been so acute lately that I feel like I could end up IP if I am pushed over the edge even the least bit.
I completely lack confidence in my ability to meet someone(s) who do not have a mental illness or PTSD, and doesn't know that I do. My life during that past decade is so many missed opportunities because of my mind. My therapist keeps telling me I'm doing so much better; there are a few areas in which I feel that I am, but not so much. Never mind mania; this anxiety is smashing me. If I was fuc*ing manic I'd be able to meet my cousin.
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I so empathize with you on this. I could have written this myself. There is so much internal tension and pressure about the decision. I’ve found it necessary to miss family funerals over this issue. Please take care of you. I hope you come to a decision that brings you peace. Know that whatever you decide is okay and right for you at this time. Sending hugs and supportive vibes.
