Bipolar check-in #56

I’m doing ok today. Kinda anxious but that’s to be expected. I didn’t sleep good last night either. I am fully vaccinated as of today and I went out for breakfast. I never want to go out to breakfast but I’ve only had one restaurant meal in 15 months and I wanted to do something special I went out to eat in late March of this year and that was more of an agenda because I wanted to eat at the last place I went to try to help me get over my old therapist. I went out to eat at that restaurant in early March 2020 after a tough session because I thought she was going to call an ambulance to my house. So I was hiding out. I know that’s a bit of distorted thinking, but I mean it worked. I can no longer associate that place with her.

I got stuffed French toast which had cream cheese in the middle and it had apples and peaches on the top with a side of whipped cream. They were great. I went to Target to get some sandals and then I came home and fell asleep for half an hour. I’m leaving tomorrow between 9-11. It depends on if we want to do anything before we get to the hotel. I’m kind of nervous but also pretty excited.

I've just read up on it a bit today and have heard that and the pdoc seemed to say that it can have some other effects and I think that's why shes waiting to see how I balance out with what I'm on.

I just really want to lower the anxiety and racing thoughts - and sleep!

I had a raft of reasons for not going to Florida but after taking my brother to his doctor for a follow up today I know I can’t go. It escaped my notice totally that it wasn’t low kidney function but acute kidney failure that put him in intensive care. I saw the diagnosis for the first time today. I can’t leave the two of them alone right now. There’s a cardiologist, urologist and nephrologist to follow up with and out of control diabetes to handle plus the weekly wound care doctor. And that’s just him. I’ve got some other ideas for mini vacations in June, July and August. Florida will be there next year.

I’m feeling better and ready to wade back into battle. I saw a good movie by myself yesterday and rode around with the sun roof open for awhile. There were 7 other people I believe in the theater and I felt quite safe COVID wise.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful day. Hugs to all!

I'm sorry to hear this. I really hope that the doctors come up with a good plan for your brother.

Hang in there and I hope you get to have some time away, even if it's a mini vacation! :: Hugs:

I love the long daylight. I hate winter with it’s dark. Today took mum over to see her brothers. Went to see her youngest first, then to the other brother and his wife and finally to my sister’s house. It was a long day and having it light out was wonderful. We didn’t get back til 8.

Sir was right there at the door. I think he got a bit worried we’d been gone so long. We haven’t been gone for the whole day in years. But maybe it was just cause we missed his 5o’clock feeding! 😃

I have such a dilemma. My cousin's daughter, so my 2nd cousin, is in northern California from New York. She's leaving on Friday and wants to see me before she goes. She's my son's age, 32, and she's traveling with her partner, he's her age. In theory I would like to see her. If I was a normal person, if I wasn't on so many meds that I can't hold a normal conversation because my cognitive ability is so compromised. If I hadn't gained so much weight since I last saw her. If I had money to take them to a restaurant. Coffee would be an idea, but the only 2 coffeehouses in town closed up during covid, sadly.

I'm trying to come up with some kind of reason to avoid meeting her. The anxiety is just too great for me. My anxiety has been so acute lately that I feel like I could end up IP if I am pushed over the edge even the least bit.

I completely lack confidence in my ability to meet someone(s) who do not have a mental illness or PTSD, and doesn't know that I do. My life during that past decade is so many missed opportunities because of my mind. My therapist keeps telling me I'm doing so much better; there are a few areas in which I feel that I am, but not so much. Never mind mania; this anxiety is smashing me. If I was fuc*ing manic I'd be able to meet my cousin.

Damn! The cumulative lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I went to bed at midnight & was up at 3 o'clock...add that to the diminished sleep I've been experiencing lately & I'm startingto feel kind of sluggish. I hope I'm not going to be:



Things just don't feel right.

@BethRags...I've been in the same insecure spot you're in, but I'm sure your cousin would enjoy seeing you no matter what your self-image is right now. I won't diminish your anxiety, however, as I understand your perspective on that.

@Jennifer 1967...I'm so sorry to read of your brother's prognosis. Yes, you surely can't go to Florida now, but I'm glad you're eyeing some mini-vacations to take care of yourself. I also liked what you posted about your new spot by the stream a few days ago. That's self-care, too.

@Sapien...It's frustrating when therapy seems unsatisfactory. Whether exercise, meditation, or another outlet, I hope youcan find some lasting peace.

@peachiee23...It so good to read that your depressive period has passed. I'm also glad your outlook on the future is pretty positive. Hope is a good thing.

@mssweatypalms...I don't know how you manage to live in tropical heat. You're pretty much used to it, though. The way I read things, your outlook on life is slowly changing for the better. The fact you didn't experience a crying spell is progress. I surely hope you're able to focus more clearly in the classroom.

For anyone I didn't give an "@" to, you're in my thoughts, as well. Hang tough, comrades.

I literally JUST added this song to my spotify playlist a couple hours ago!

Sorry you're not sleeping though, hope you can get some good rest soon. Maybe we can do some sorta mantra to bring the sleep fairies out

I've fallen behind here. I wrote something yesterday, but got so sidetracked while writing it that when I submitted it, there was a timeout (forget how it was worded). I did the back page, but it was lost. In such cases, it might be best to copy the text before submitting.

Yesterday we achieved an important task that allows us to move on to another, leading to the public health insurance. Finally! I certainly hope they all work out. We have this funny superstition that things always work well when we go to municipal or ministry offices and get sent to window # 1, which we've been. On our way to that municipal office, we struggled a bit finding parking. I got frustrated with Hubby about something. When entering, I didn't notice that he suddenly stepped into a paternoster lift (elevator) at the last second. When I realized, I let out a yelp because he was already about 6 inches (16 cm) above the floor level. I jumped up into it at the very last possible second. For those unfamiliar with paternoster lifts, they are doorless elevators that move continuously from floor to floor. Hard to fully explain, see Paternoster lift - Wikipedia if interested. There are very few in the world now, mostly because they are dangerous. I had only seen and been on one one time before, in Prague. That was years ago, but that time I at least knew what I was in for before having to get into it.

I made a majorly delicious coffee cake yesterday. It is plenty full of sugar, but as a special treat, who cares. Baking has been a little adventure since moving to Czech Republic. I've had to figure out how to deal with the different flours. Though I already knew how to make my own brown sugar, it became very necessary after the move.

We've been waiting forever for an important document my sister sent International Priority from the USPS. It turned out that the extreme delay is because she packed some jewelry with the documents, as a surprise. She meant well, but it has been stuck in customs because of that "surprise". She eventually also told me she insured the contents. If it had just been paper, there wouldn't have been a need to and likely wouldn't have been the delay. I'm not mad at her, but still frustrated. She has virtually no experience with this kind of thing, only rarely venturing outside of New Jersey and Pennsylvania. She does know now. I don't think we'll have to pay a duty on it, but we will struggle to get the sucker. If we have to drive to Prague, we'll drive all the way to Prague. As for the jewelry, if it's some costume stuff that's one thing. If it's something from a grandmother or great great aunt, that could be another. If she needs to send more documents in the future, I will ask that she only send paperwork.

@ buddha1too and all:

Wow, my mood is effected by the lengthening hours of daylight in Spring too!

Amigo!

Usually i get euphoric hypomania and this year i am having a nice time tho with COVID i can't have my regular adventures.

This year i am managing it with light-deprivation. I stay in the dark except for when i take my dog out and then it's a thousand-million-eleventy-hundred lux assaulting my eyes.

I really must get sunglasses but i need that special giant kind that go OVER your glasses or else prescription ones so it's a big bore. Maybe i'll try online or negotiate a deal with my retailer since i was too sick to wheel-and-deal last time and overpaid by 40% for two pairs.

They're pretty good, tho, my bricks-and-mortar retailer, i played them off against an online company one time and they price-matched plus i got the optician's advice on selecting frames and he did multiple adjustments for free. Laurier Optical they're called.

Not sure where i will be mood-wise by the 25th so i'll wish you a special very early H@pPy BiRtHd@Y now and hopefully again on the actual day. I hope you'll treat yourself big, because after darn COVID, we we need to celebrate!

Glad you have some fun events coming up!

Sorry again about your aunt. I know the memorial will be emotional for you but try and remember the good times. In the wise words of Theodore Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, "Don't cry because it's over. SMILE because it happened!" Not sure if i've used that quote on you before, apologies if i am repeating myself, i just LOVE that quote.

I say eff Weight-Watchers for the moment. Just put it on pause and INDULGE. Life is too short. Enjoy yourself!!! Eat hot-dogs at the ballgames and holler your head off, stuff your face with cake at the parties!!! Feasting is natural for humans. If you eat a moderate diet on a regular basis, the occasional indulgence is fine because our bodies just rid ourselves of it as waste.

Once you've celebrated for a while, THEN buckle back down to Weigh-Watchers. It's ALWAYS gonna be there! It's not going any where.

I want good things for you, my friend. Pleasure and joy!

This moment is your life!!!

Warmest Regards,

Jane.

You're so sweet, whatever2013! Thanks so much for the kind and positive thoughts!

It sounds like you had a lovely day out. That’s great! It’s nice to read about.

I so empathize with you on this. I could have written this myself. There is so much internal tension and pressure about the decision. I’ve found it necessary to miss family funerals over this issue. Please take care of you. I hope you come to a decision that brings you peace. Know that whatever you decide is okay and right for you at this time. Sending hugs and supportive vibes.

@Sapien, you make me laugh -- WITH you not AT you. I agree, some of the "helping" programs are absurd and some "helping" professionals are too.

PLEASE don't do sprints on the highway tho. Get yourself a pet project. It does wonders!

Me, i'm fixing up my place, pretty well transformed it by decorating the living room walls with memorabilia and an accent chair and ottoman in this exquisite vintage fabric with French script.

I also inherited two sturdy lawn-chairs for my balcony -- my one close neighbor and friend is really generous. This is such an affluent building, people are often just giving me great stuff, just cause they have so much.

And i'm not done yet. I've got a new bed to be unfurled, just waiting on the frame and mattress cover delivery. Living it up! My place is a gonna be a lot more comfortable and i won't spend so much on hotel getaways because i'll be happier here.

Anywho, have fun, but stay safe! The goal is to modulate an episode of high mood, not to squash it entirely.

Jane.

It's 96 degrees today and it didn't rain. It's strange but it seems like the hot weather is bringing me down. Last night, I was so bothered by thoughts of my family members dying. I couldn't shake it off, but fortunately, my medicine did it's job in putting me to sleep.

Generally, my morning classes were fine. I could concentrate and I thought I was actually having a good day. Then, I started getting sleepy and took a nap. I had a bad dream and before I knew it, I slept for 2 hours. I couldn't stick to my exercise schedule, so I'm angry at myself. Anyway, I took a shower and boiled 2 eggs for dinner. Now, I'm ready for my evening classes.

Hope everyone's hanging in there.

I bounce between saying that maybe once you're there and doing it, it will be nice and saying that you need to do what you feel is best.
I think that people don't understand how utterly debilitating anxiety is and how sometimes, it is out of our control. If you don't feel comfortable going, then family of all people should understand that. You should put yourself first and do what is best for you. And sometimes that means saying no.

I hope you've come to a decision that makes you happy.

: Hugs:

Morning!
It's dark, dreary and wet where I am and it has me a little lower today. Today is the first day my Lamictal was upped, so I hope that I dont have any side effects from that. Luckily, I didnt really when I started it so I'm hoping that stays the case.
I met a nice therapist yesterday - I liked her enough to schedule a second session with her next and felt comfortable enough to continue with her - at least for now.
I wish I could get my energy up - I had been walking home from the train on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which helped, but I think I am going to get rained out today

But, I'm here, I made it to work and sometimes, that's honestly a battle in itself!

I hope everyone is hanging in there today

Hello all, been a while since I last posted.

So I am in a very difficult place right now. This is very common: often times I feel like I'm headed in the right direction. There's a great quote:
"I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Somebody tell me, it's not a train."

This was very common when I was suffering from undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder. Mania would hit me: the birds would start chipring melodies, the sun would be brighter, and I would be able to survive on less sleep.

This is something different: what's happening now is that I'll go through a couple weeks where I'm able to abstain from a vice: binging on chocolate late at night. This was going great in May: I substituted dates and apricots for ice cream and candy. I was now able to sleep better, the weight started falling off, and I felt more in control during the day.

My 20th anniversary was last week, as well as my son's 7th birthday. Very happy occasions, but there was a downfall: there were a lot of desserts that I was unable to resist: creme brulee, chocolate cake, KitKats, M&M's etc.

As they say, "the higher the high, the lower the low." The weekend was great: my wife and I went for a nice dinner and got a nice hotel room in the city. Then Monday hit and the delayed reaction: I couldn't get out of bed, I felt complete brain fog, chills, and total lack of motivation.

One main problem is that I have problems adjusting from my routine. Even if it's something very minor and short-lived. I spent Saturday night away from my comfortable bed, and normal routing of having yogurt and coffee.

I feel so weak, as I should be able to adapt more. I think I'm getting back to being able to resist sugar; it's been 2 days and I was able to push away the chocolate cake that my wife and kids are enjoying. But the fog and fatigue persist: I have to lie down every 2 hours and take a 15 min nap.

I really hope this gets better soon. This is no way to live.

Quote:

Originally Posted by buddha1too Damn! The cumulative lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I went to bed at midnight & was up at 3 o'clock...add that to the diminished sleep I've been experiencing lately & I'm startingto feel kind of sluggish. I hope I'm not going to be: Things just don't feel right. ...

Have you ever tried binaural beats?

Not saying it's a miracle, but I've found them helpful. Also, what about ZzzQuil? Any possible help there?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I so empathize with you on this. I could have written this myself. There is so much internal tension and pressure about the decision. I’ve found it necessary to miss family funerals over this issue. Please take care of you. I hope you come to a decision that brings you peace. Know that whatever you decide is okay and right for you at this time. Sending hugs and supportive vibes.

I have so much gratitude for your post, Jennifer. Thank you, thank you

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 ...ottoman in this exquisite vintage fabric with French script. ...

That sounds stunning!

Quote:

Originally Posted by peachiee23 I bounce between saying that maybe once you're there and doing it, it will be nice and saying that you need to do what you feel is best. I think that people don't understand how utterly debilitating anxiety is and how sometimes, it is out of our control. If you don't feel comfortable going, then family of all people should understand that. You should put yourself first and do what is best for you. And sometimes that means saying no. I hope you've come to a decision that makes you happy. : Hugs:

Thank you so much for understanding, peachiee.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dsmith Hello all, been a while since I last posted. So I am in a very difficult place right now. This is very common: often times I feel like I'm headed in the right direction. There's a great quote: "I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Somebody tell me, it's not a train." This was very common when I was suffering from undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder. Mania would hit me: the birds would start chipring melodies, the sun would be brighter, and I would be able to survive on less sleep. This is something different: what's happening now is that I'll go through a couple weeks where I'm able to abstain from a vice: binging on chocolate late at night. This was going great in May: I substituted dates and apricots for ice cream and candy. I was now able to sleep better, the weight started falling off, and I felt more in control during the day. My 20th anniversary was last week, as well as my son's 7th birthday. Very happy occasions, but there was a downfall: there were a lot of desserts that I was unable to resist: creme brulee, chocolate cake, KitKats, M&M's etc. As they say, "the higher the high, the lower the low." The weekend was great: my wife and I went for a nice dinner and got a nice hotel room in the city. Then Monday hit and the delayed reaction: I couldn't get out of bed, I felt complete brain fog, chills, and total lack of motivation. One main problem is that I have problems adjusting from my routine. Even if it's something very minor and short-lived. I spent Saturday night away from my comfortable bed, and normal routing of having yogurt and coffee. I feel so weak, as I should be able to adapt more. I think I'm getting back to being able to resist sugar; it's been 2 days and I was able to push away the chocolate cake that my wife and kids are enjoying. But the fog and fatigue persist: I have to lie down every 2 hours and take a 15 min nap. I really hope this gets better soon. This is no way to live.

I'm so sorry. You've had a lot of special days and changes. That can shake stability.Could the sugar cravings be from medication?

I've never tried listening to anything in bed...it would drive my partner crazy, anyways! I don't have issues getting to sleep, just staying asleep. I'm already taking 200mg Trazodone & 1mg Klonopin before bed, so that should already make me sleep like the dead. No dice, though. Thanks for the suggestions, Beth.

@dsmith...Oh, my goodness! I'm no longer the only guy posting! I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. June is going to be a very eventful month for me, so I can relate to your discomfort leaving a comfort zone. Carbs can be addictive for me, too. I'm a recovering alcoholic (almost two decades sober), but alcohol is metabolized like sugar. I still crave carbs/suger like crazy...& once I start eating them I lose control (just as I did with alcohol). I hope you can find some energy soon. I hope you'll return & post more frequently.

There are so many dandelion “feathers “ floating around outside that it looks like snow. And so many drifting in piles that it looks like a layer of snow on the ground. Because of that I’ve got the AC on. Mum has difficulty with dirty air.

I was up until 4:30 too hot to sleep. Turned the AC on then. So now she’s getting all fussy saying the AC is crazy.

I’m washing clothes so I can go grocery shopping later. Cherries 🍒 are on sale! Yum.

Except for being tired and having physical stuff I’m fine.