View Single Post
 
Old Jan 29, 2022, 07:44 AM
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope Have Hope is online now
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,738
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cardooney View Post
Yes her telling me this is huge and I think I have an obligation to change the living situation ASAP. My mind is very busy trying to think of the best way, and busy reforming my thinking.

I’m remembering how before we had our daughter, I was fed up with our life and told him I was going a different direction, and he could continue going the way things were, or follow me in a healthy direction. He chose to follow me, and things became more functional and enjoyable. Here I am at another crossroad.

I have lost myself, or probably more accurately I never had myself in the first place. There’s the core me that remains unchanged from outside influences, but the relationship me has never been healthy.

He says he is happy. He says he is doing great and he told me his iop exit counselor says he is doing great. He thinks he can change his bad memories that he thinks about every day into better memories. He’s adding his true self and the abusers true self into the memories to change them. he’s embracing that he has no bad parts and finding compassion for the abuser who also would have no bad parts based on this treatment view. I guess he is trying to jump to radical acceptance before he’s done trauma counseling?

How does he think he is happy? I guess because he’s not currently fitting inpatient criteria and he landed a job and he feels excited about having “no bad parts” and a true self that is healthy. To me he seems triggered and is obviously living in the past right now. I don’t think he is grounded at all based on seeing him smoke constantly looking very doped from that, and his acquiring more and more materials for his projects (piling them up in the garage), and gobbling up oodles of carbs, saying bizarre stuff, and is irritable whenever he doesn’t like what you say or do.

I do feel responsible for him since he doesn’t seem well enough to take care of himself and he is lacking awareness. Yes I need to take good care of myself too, and my child, which means at minimum not letting him dictate how the house is run if he’s in it. I have to figure out how to make things better. I guess if I tell him I want to separate, he would probably go inpatient immediately (or worse), and I really can’t see him starting a job in a few days with that on his mind. So I guess for the big picture, I should not talk to him about separating until things are more stable. Maybe things won’t get more stable though.
I hate this. This is awful, so sad, so scary, so familiar, so unfamiliar:-(((
I read this post as being mainly about him. You've made your entire world and life revolve around him., He is running your life. You're not running your own life - it's all about him, his needs, his behaviors, his problems. Where are you in all of this?

And, you are not responsible for his life - he is. It is not your job to make sure he is alive and well - he is an adult, and that's HIS responsibility.

I made my ex fiance homeless - I had to kick him out of the home because of the way he was abusing and mistreating me, on top of his bad alcoholism. He threatened suicide all the time - now, if I had made myself responsible for him, he would have ruined my life. And I wasn't going to allow that.

This guy of yours? He is ruining you and your daughter. You cannot worry about him anymore - you have to save yourselves.

You seem completely wrapped up in all his problems that there is no YOU anymore. Your own needs, opinions, feelings and person are just gone - you have neglected yourself to such a degree that you don't talk about how this is effecting you anymore because it's all about him.

Please leave him. Your daughter is basically pleading with you. To stay with him at this point it totally non sensical.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Thanks for this!
Cardooney, Etcetera1