Quote:
Originally Posted by *Beth*
Maybe they don't understand because they don't want to deal with the situation. That's how my sisters were. When my parents divorced I was a little kid and I literally began taking care of my mom. Then, some years later, my stepfather really made a freak show of things. I took care of my mom, in many ways a wonderful woman - but mentally ill, extremely abusive and cruel when she was having an episode, a hoarder, paranoid to the point at which she taped heavy black plastic over all the windows in our (large) house.
Anyway. My sisters, who were a generation older than I was, looked the other way. We'd see them on holidays, sometimes. When I was 38 I broke down, I just couldn't do it alone anymore. So finally, my oldest sister stepped up and at least helped out some of the time.
Ugh, sorry for the rant. The fire issue is so real. I used to worry about it constantly. When I was a kid I'd lie in bed and plan "escape routes" in my mind, just in case.
How old is your mom?
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She is 61. You’re definitely right about not wanting to deal with it, especially my brother. He still hasn’t accepted what happened to us in our childhood. I don’t expect him to forgive her, I’m not even there yet, but I’ve accepted that she made mistakes and she’ll never be the mom I want her to be. I’m perfectly fine having the surface relationship we have.
I talked about it a bit in group today, I was reminded that I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings or behavior or reactions to boundaries that I set to keep myself safe and healthy. My boundaries are quite poor with my grandma. I feel responsible for her as well and both she and my mom guilt me about each other.each one claims the other took the most care of us and we “owe them”. That’s why I was about to take on the three things my grandma told me to but I’ve decided not to. It’s too much. I will take her car through inspection, that’s easy. But if she can’t find her registration ticket to get it renewed online the most I’ll do is get an appointment for her at the DMV, she’s gonna have to get herself there. And the taxes are not my problem. I’m not gonna go through all her papers to help her find her w2 s from the last 3 years. It’s too much. I can’t do everything for everyone all the time.
I must set that boundary with my grandmother. I want to save her anxiety because she is 85 after all, but I just can’t be expected to do all this.
I’ve been taking care of everyone (including myself) all alone since I was 10.
I am sorry about the awful abuse you’ve been through, Beth. My mom was just neglectful. She got angry as well, especially when I ****ed up and had to go back IP, but she never yelled, just kind of…disappeared. Sat in her room ignoring us. Ugh.
Every time I think I’ve put it to bed it’s there again. On top of that, the abuse from my first marriage…I cannot possibly continue to care for my mother. I won’t let her rot but basics? She’s going to have to find it within herself to face her anxiety and do these things.