Bipolar check-in #65

Beth, breathe 🧘*♂️. Remember to breathe. Yup there’s a lot going on and right, if their so perfect why are their cats numbers not perfect?! 😆

Thanks for the beautiful daisies.

I made it to aqua fitness. They’ve changed their approach and I think some ladies don’t like it and have dropped out. This morning I was a bit late with sign up but I got in for next week too! It was interesting. There’s a max of 20 allowed. Now we break into 10 and switch off. With 10 on the wall and the other 10 along the rope. Ahh feels so good.

I’m glad the new setup is working for you nammu! I’d love to do aqua fitness but I know I would back out of class quite often which wouldn’t be financially prudent. Also I look like fool trying to follow a routine, I have zero coordination haha!

Hi Beth. I'm OK, but feeling very tired and a bit overloaded at a time when I wish I was kicking back before the mega excursion ahead. Hubby and I went to Prague this past weekend for a concert and spent a lot of time socializing and walking around the city. It's hard when I feel I have little choice to "step away" from things. The recent warmer temperatures and sure perimenopausal hot flashes doesn't help either.

This week and part of next week are busy, too. Calgon take me away! We have tickets AGAIN for a concert in Prague early next week, but I've already declared that I'm not going. I do want Hubby to go. Not just so he can enjoy it, but to give me some much-needed time alone without him. I like my time alone and have had extremely little since the pandemic started.

As for the France trip, the flights and car rental are booked. We still have to look into a place to stay upon arrival. Some accommodation arrangements may be made on the fly.

I saw my therapist today. My next appointment isn't until mid-July. I still need a future psychiatrist appointment. I had to cancel the one I had due to trip scheduling. He's so booked that he said to call him to "See what we could do" about finding a time in July, or so. I have plenty of meds to wait. Vacation season is coming up soon, so long delays may apply. As long as I don't push myself beyond my limits I should be fine. Maybe in France I'll find time to walk around town WITHOUT Hubby. Maybe flirt with some hot French guys. Flirting does me good. Do people know that Flirting is Good for Mental Health?

I'm doing pretty good today. I went to Walmart to look for the Lunchables I wanted but I couldn't find them. But I found Kraft macaroni and cheese, and pizza flavored ice cream. I'm into that novelty crap so I bought them. I got the last pints of both flavors. An ******* therapist I had said they make crap like that because people like me buy it. I mean, she isnt wrong but she didn't have to say it like that. I am a bit worn out physically today though. My med management last night was not the best. I still can't tell if the swallowing thing is getting better or if I'm just getting used to it but the bump is still there though. But I have my ultrasound in the morning and I am going to tell them whatever it is that is there is really bothering me. I had actual authentic ramen for the first time from a ramen place today for lunch and it was pretty good. It wasn't spicy or had any mushrooms. It was crazy expensive but the portion was huge so it was worth it.

Do you ever feel like something is wrong but you don't know what? Thats how I feel right now. I feel perfectly fine at the moment but I just feel like something is not quite right.

Now I'm not giving you directions but for myself personally I still took my prescription medications when I was smoking the Devil's lettuce lol. Up until December of last year I was smoking all day every day and it did not seam to mess with my meds. I now smoke like once a night and every few nights not everyday. The one medication says if you use weed that it can make you more tired with that med.

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

Things are weird with me I can talk to people that I have already told that my wife has passed I usually don't get emotional.Like today and last Friday I ran into two different people that I have not seen for awhile and I get emotional with them it is like talking about her death to them brings me back to the day she died. I get all emotional and I get teary eyed and have a hard time talking about it.

When I went to Texas the 21st of April to buy my motorcycle the first two nights in the different hotels and on those nights I would get woke up to some kind of noise and I would wake up thinking it was my wife going to the bathroom and one thing that did not help was I leave the bathroom light on in hotels. I would lay there for I don't know how long but I would get up and check the bathroom to see if she was ok. I would realize my mistake and go back to bed. Now I have done this for the last few months at home even I mean several times I went to the opposite side of the house looking for her. Well after those two nights I have not had these dreams or whatever it was. I also used to have really bad nightmares about her and those have gone away. I'm not sure what is going on but I will except this break from te waking up and the nightmares.
I have never told anyone what my nightmares were about and I probably never will. I have brought up that I did have nightmares but not what they were about and I plan on never sharing them with anyone. I also used to wake up in the middle of the night sobbing I mean I would actually wake up crying. I am glad that those have gone away and I hope they stay away.

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

Well I waited in the telehealth waiting room for 25 minutes then called the front desk and they set up but didn’t save the appointment. I’ll have to wait until 2:00 tomorrow to find out the verdict with my med provider. Still anxious.

I had a good therapy session. It helped some with my therapy and stress.

I’m feeling off with my best friend and I can’t tell whether it is my anxiety making me feel off or the normal fluctuations of a relationship or something else. It concerns me. My best friend has been a big support to me as I have been to him. I’d hate to lose that.

Hugs to all.

I drank a coffee milkshake thing from Dunkin Donuts a couple hours ago and then I took my meds and my melatonin and I feel kinda high energized and kinda manic like. I looked at the nutrition info for the coffee and it had 295 mil of caffeine. No wonder I feel so goofy and manic like. My anxiety is ok though for some reason. I just don't know how well I'll sleep. I should take my blood pressure just to be safe.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I'm doing pretty good today. I went to Walmart to look for the Lunchables I wanted but I couldn't find them. But I found Kraft macaroni and cheese, and pizza flavored ice cream. I'm into that novelty crap so I bought them. I got the last pints of both flavors. An ******* therapist I had said they make crap like that because people like me buy it. I mean, she isnt wrong but she didn't have to say it like that. I am a bit worn out physically today though. My med management last night was not the best. I still can't tell if the swallowing thing is getting better or if I'm just getting used to it but the bump is still there though. But I have my ultrasound in the morning and I am going to tell them whatever it is that is there is really bothering me. I had actual authentic ramen for the first time from a ramen place today for lunch and it was pretty good. It wasn't spicy or had any mushrooms. It was crazy expensive but the portion was huge so it was worth it. Do you ever feel like something is wrong but you don't know what? Thats how I feel right now. I feel perfectly fine at the moment but I just feel like something is not quite right.

What a mean thing for that therapist to say to you.

Yes, I understand that feeling like something is wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by otroo Things are weird with me I can talk to people that I have already told that my wife has passed I usually don't get emotional.Like today and last Friday I ran into two different people that I have not seen for awhile and I get emotional with them it is like talking about her death to them brings me back to the day she died. I get all emotional and I get teary eyed and have a hard time talking about it. When I went to Texas the 21st of April to buy my motorcycle the first two nights in the different hotels and on those nights I would get woke up to some kind of noise and I would wake up thinking it was my wife going to the bathroom and one thing that did not help was I leave the bathroom light on in hotels. I would lay there for I don't know how long but I would get up and check the bathroom to see if she was ok. I would realize my mistake and go back to bed. Now I have done this for the last few months at home even I mean several times I went to the opposite side of the house looking for her. Well after those two nights I have not had these dreams or whatever it was. I also used to have really bad nightmares about her and those have gone away. I'm not sure what is going on but I will except this break from te waking up and the nightmares. I have never told anyone what my nightmares were about and I probably never will. I have brought up that I did have nightmares but not what they were about and I plan on never sharing them with anyone. I also used to wake up in the middle of the night sobbing I mean I would actually wake up crying. I am glad that those have gone away and I hope they stay away. Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

What you're going through is the process of grieving...you have a lot to grieve for

Yeah, I can for sure relate to you when it comes to crappy mental health providers. This one really ****ed me up mentally and I got her into a lot of trouble for the stuff she did. I am happy you ended things with yours when you did because I wish I had done a lot more at the time with my old therapist instead of staying with her for 4 years and dealing with all the crap she gave me. I'm pretty sure I could have even gotten a settlement out of this place to be honest.

I think I may have just had too much caffeine. I had a coffee like milkshake late this afternoon and didn't realize it had 225 miligrams of caffeine. I think that was the weird feeling I had.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Ah Beth, it’s fine, I didn’t take it the wrong way because I feel the exact same way. I know it’s useless I just have to convince my SIL it’s useless and impress upon my brother and my SIL the severity of the situation. I need to stop feeling responsible for my brother’s feelings and trying to protect him and tell him that it is a fire AND health hazard at this point. She literally could die. I don’t think he understands as neither of them have been there since they announced their pregnancy to her (5 years).

Maybe they don't understand because they don't want to deal with the situation. That's how my sisters were. When my parents divorced I was a little kid and I literally began taking care of my mom. Then, some years later, my stepfather really made a freak show of things. I took care of my mom, in many ways a wonderful woman - but mentally ill, extremely abusive and cruel when she was having an episode, a hoarder, paranoid to the point at which she taped heavy black plastic over all the windows in our (large) house.

Anyway. My sisters, who were a generation older than I was, looked the other way. We'd see them on holidays, sometimes. When I was 38 I broke down, I just couldn't do it alone anymore. So finally, my oldest sister stepped up and at least helped out some of the time.

Ugh, sorry for the rant. The fire issue is so real. I used to worry about it constantly. When I was a kid I'd lie in bed and plan "escape routes" in my mind, just in case.

How old is your mom?

The new med provider ordered wonderfully thorough blood work...vitamin checks, a bunch of stuff. I've not had vitamin checks since I was last pregnant almost 20 years ago (lost that dear baby). I fasted all day, got to the clinic early, and waited for 35 minutes. I was getting anxious because I have to be home at 4:15 to pick up the cat foods so I can test Sidney's fasting glucose in 2 hours. When they finally called me in I got a new, unfriendly, probably nervous, phlebotomist. She stabbed me with the needle and I have a purple bruise. Sheesh. Lucky I'm not afraid of needles. But I made it home in time, so it's all fine.

Yay! Blood labs all done!

I made an appt. to see new med guy tomorrow. I guess I slept for a couple of hours last night, because I dreamt there was a woman on this forum named "Linda." But I'm loopy from lack of sleep and my thoughts are racing enough to drive me nuts. All of a sudden it seems that med givers don't want to prescribe AP's to me. They say, "Oh, but tardive dyskenesia..." ??? WTH...they used to insist I take AP's. My age, maybe? Like, oh, I'll be dead from having a heart attack due to lack of rest - BUT I won't have TD! Win-win!!
Grrrrrr.

Golden Gate Park Summer of Love *~**~vibes emanating into the universe, all over the world, to each one of you, and bringing peace to all beings.

Thank you I appreciate it.

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

She is 61. You’re definitely right about not wanting to deal with it, especially my brother. He still hasn’t accepted what happened to us in our childhood. I don’t expect him to forgive her, I’m not even there yet, but I’ve accepted that she made mistakes and she’ll never be the mom I want her to be. I’m perfectly fine having the surface relationship we have.

I talked about it a bit in group today, I was reminded that I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings or behavior or reactions to boundaries that I set to keep myself safe and healthy. My boundaries are quite poor with my grandma. I feel responsible for her as well and both she and my mom guilt me about each other.each one claims the other took the most care of us and we “owe them”. That’s why I was about to take on the three things my grandma told me to but I’ve decided not to. It’s too much. I will take her car through inspection, that’s easy. But if she can’t find her registration ticket to get it renewed online the most I’ll do is get an appointment for her at the DMV, she’s gonna have to get herself there. And the taxes are not my problem. I’m not gonna go through all her papers to help her find her w2 s from the last 3 years. It’s too much. I can’t do everything for everyone all the time.

I must set that boundary with my grandmother. I want to save her anxiety because she is 85 after all, but I just can’t be expected to do all this.

I’ve been taking care of everyone (including myself) all alone since I was 10.

I am sorry about the awful abuse you’ve been through, Beth. My mom was just neglectful. She got angry as well, especially when I ****ed up and had to go back IP, but she never yelled, just kind of…disappeared. Sat in her room ignoring us. Ugh.

Every time I think I’ve put it to bed it’s there again. On top of that, the abuse from my first marriage…I cannot possibly continue to care for my mother. I won’t let her rot but basics? She’s going to have to find it within herself to face her anxiety and do these things.

Beth, have you tried Haldol? I take it twice a day (and as needed) and it works well for me. Why do they think you'll automatically get TD? Have you had it before? I agree- dying of a heart attack because you haven't slept in forever is NOT preferable to possible TD.

I have been talking to this girl that I knew right after I divorced my first wife. She was married and we had an attraction to each other but never did anything I don't play cheating partner. I moved from Washington to Idaho and I met my wife here at this time I would Drive up to Spokane to see my son. Well at the time my wife and I were just friends and on one of my trips up to Spokane her and I hooked up she had just divorced her husband it was a real good time but neither one of us wanted to move so it ended before it started. About 13 years ago I was still driving truck and she found me on Facebook I had my number listed then and she called me. She had just divorced husband number 2. I was happily married and told her that. We were friends on Facebook but we never chatted. She texted me about a month or two after my wife passed away. (Just so you know I have had the same cell number for like 20 years lol) we have been chatting for months not every day but like 5 or 6 days a week lol. We did not have romantic or sexual texts just her offering a lot of support. When i wentvon my trip i kind of did not text a lot of people but i did buy a gps satellite tracker and it would be turned on send out my departure time and it would send my location out every 5 minutes and i gave the link to my parents and kids and a couple of friends. I told her last week I still had feelings for her but I said we had not seen each other in like 24 years or so and who knows if the attraction was still there and she agreed she also still had feelings. I'm really not wanting to be in a relationship I personally see that it would end wrong cause I might compare her to my late wife. I'm going to Washington at the end of June for some motorcycle races then over to Spokane and Northern Idaho to visit a couple of buddies so i asked her to lunch one of the days i am up there and she said yes so we will see. I think it is an advantage living in a different area so i would not be tempted. I am in no rush to start anything. My second wife was a good girl we dated for a year then got married we never fooled around lol she really was a good girl lol. I really miss my wife she was my everything she was one of the kindest people I have ever met she really had a pure heart.

Sorry for the book

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

I also take haldol twice daily along with a few other things and haldol + risperdal has been my savior! only side effect is i sometimes get cramps but cogentin fixed that.

I had a lovely time at the Drum Circle. So much fun and stress relief! Unfortunately, I came home to my sister yelling at mom about how I wasn’t doing enough to help among other things. SMH. That situation is untenable. I may just throw up my hands and move out. I’ve had enough of the toxicity and the crap. Life is too short. They were out in the yard yelling. I just about called the cops. Just about. I’m over this.

Hugs to all

One of the only good things that has come from the death of my wife is my daughter and my relationship is better than it has ever been. I mean when she live here from like 14 to 20 she and I fought like cats and dogs it was a really toxic relationship I mean we fought bad. What her mom and i did not know at the time was she had a tragic event happen to her and she did not tell us till years later. Somehow my wife talked me into letting our daughters gf move into our house cause her mom threw her cause she found out she was gay. Anyways they fought more then her and I did. Well she moved out several years ago and have been living in a couple of different places. Anyways my daughter and I get along great now we support each other and help each other out. We both attend that group that some people on here and people in my regular life recommend called Grief Share this week is our last class. My dad and I decided to take a trip this year we usually do a family reunion every other year but now that I am going to go back to work I won't be able to go to the family reunion so we are taking a food trip lol. We are going to about 6 or 8 bbq and steak restaurants that we have eaten at over the last few years lol and the best part is we invited her on the trip and we are leaving Wed lol.

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

Moose…..I’m glad you got out ! Sounds like a lovely place. Many people are just too attached to there phones when they should be enjoying time together. Can you talk to him and ask that he cut back phone time because you really want the time you have to do things together and they mean so much to you and should be for him too ??

Wild … Thanks for the concern for my choking. It really is scary. I’m sorry that your Mom was the way she was and you had to be an adult and care for her far to young of age. You’re Grandmother trying to get you do everything is terrible too. Stand strong with boundaries As for your Moms hoarding ??? Your brother and SIL need to go see it first hand ! Maybe that’s the only way they will be forced to actually help and not brush it off and allow /make you to do it all. No no no NO ! As you know I brought a member of PC into my home. Her condo in Florida was hoarding from top to bottom. I made it clear that she absolutely could not do that here. About 6 months later I had to tell her to stop acquiring “ stuff” she was really mad but I didn’t care She started bringing in things when I wasn’t home. I truly regretted bringing her into my home. She became really passive aggressive. The way she choose to leave this earth and my having to clean up .. well let’s just say that ptsd will never go away. Keep up you’re boundaries!!

Jennifer .. that’s a wonderful gift from M.. I also do not think you’re provider will drop you. Us Bipolar folk have a track record of dropping meds. I’m glad you have an appt tomorrow. I think you really need to consider moving out, you do so much for everyone yet your Sister shows up yelling? Oh lord I’d snap hard on her. Please do consider your mental health FIRST AND FORMOST. Take care of YOU because none of them seem all too worried about you.

Beth ! Glad you got that blood work done! As you know we both did ours today with newbie’s LOL ! So glad they are checking all the levels. I’ve had potassium, but D and B12 very low before and correct high dose of all over a few months got me back on track. I’m glad Wild mentioned using DBT skills to help I hadn’t even thought of those. I truly think you need a AP .. not everyone gets TD and I think it’s silly to think automatically it will happen. Good grief those admins! Pure hateful unhelpful idiots. Maybe join a different group?! I belonged to a diabetes pages and I left a few because the people were just hateful. You do everything to take care of all your babies at the cost of you not buying food you need. 300.00 !!?!?!? Like what in the hell ? Crazy !

Nammu !! Yeah for Aqua class sign up being easier. Good for you going !! I so wish that was available here.

Soupe. Good to see you ! I’ve been wondering how your holding up. Glad your trip is ready to go. I think you putting plans for some “ me time” is wonderful and greatly needed. Yay ! Keep being proactive

Otroo keep being kind to yourself. It’s the only way to ensure self care

Blue bird if your out there … Hello

Wind that blows .. hi and hope your doing well

Hugs to anyone I’ve missed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw my rheumatologist today. He thinks I’m just in a rough patch so doing a taper of prednisone. I’m hoping it helps and doesn’t raise my blood sugar too high and also mess with my Bipolar stability ( it’s again always something) We are hoping that Xeljanx isn’t pooping out. Holding out great hope. So had my blood work also by a newbie like Beth did lol

I must say my Husband and I can have fun literally driving 1.5 hours North for todays appt. We can talk and joke about most anything. We act like teenagers lol

I am obsessed with the Johnny Depp /Amber Heard trial. I am always backing anyone reporting DV.. but this girl is out of her mind with her lies.. Johnny is a great gentleman and I’m so happy he’s clearing his name after the vile things she’s accused him of.


Well This is a long post but I really wanted to reply to all of you !

Love to all !!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Christina, you might be right about getting my brother to actually see our mom’s house. Maybe that will help them realize.

RS told me to write in my journal (I asked him to remind me from time to time). I’ve been avoiding it because I keep having nightmares after I do. Well I did and had a nightmare. I was upset and crying and nobody would take notice or try to help me. Like I was literally crying for attention and I wasn’t getting it. Nobody cared to make me feel better. Three guesses why I had that dream.

Ugh. Well I seem to be feeling a bit better today anyway, maybe because I don’t have to go to IOP. It’s weird since I’ve been there every day for four weeks. It’s nice out and I hope I can motivate myself to go for a walk later. I’ll be bored so I don’t want to just sit around. I might start on our wedding scrapbook. I’ve never scrapbooked before, it’ll be fun I think. I’m also thinking of getting into my jewelry making again. I stopped many years ago, just lost interest. I haven’t been much of a jewelry wearer since my style changed to basic jeans and a tee shirt. But it might be nice to be slightly more dressed up sometimes! I ordered some rings from Etsy, and for may I have on my green mental health awareness bracelets.

The weather for the NAMI walk is going to be brutal. 96 degrees!!! 5k on pavement at 96 degrees. Unreal. Figures, May has been cooler than average here but now it’s like NO it’s almost summer and heeeeere it comes!

Christina, you nailed it. They don’t seem all too worried about me. I’m still having chest pain, shortness of breath and dizziness and my stress test is tomorrow. They could at least hold off until I can get this under control. This all started yesterday because I was too ill to take mom to Verizon and she had to ask my sister who threw a fit. Half the problem is mom telling me what a help I am to her to my face and saying different things behind my back.

I’m not a door mat but I don’t like conflict either. I will engage in a mature adult conversation but it’s hard against a rabid, hostile bully. I’m just going to have to put my foot down and stand up to the bully. That’s all there is to it. After that is handled, I need to start working my way out the door.

I didn’t say a word. I did text her right before I blocked her that I very nearly called the cops and that if she showed up again acting like the ******* that she is, I would call the cops. I hate that it has deteriorated to this point but she took us there. I am feeling some anxiety over this. I’m so weary of being attacked. You get more flies with honey then vinegar.

Thank you for your kind words and the support.