I'm not sure what all I'm going to say but I do plan on talking about things I've never talked to anyone about. This is the reason I say I am worthless piece of trash.

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. Around 4 years ago roughly (I'm not good with time/dates) I was caught having multiple affairs & having an online girlfriend. My wife and I always said that only a piece of trash would do that. Then I went and did it.

I can't tell you why. My online girlfriend who we will refer to Karen from here out, made me feel special. She understood what I was going through (nervous breakdown) & understood how bad mental hospitals can be. She just started out as a support person for me, but over time things changed. We grew closer, talked about things we shouldn't have. We made plans to meet, but she got sick and passed out as she was loading her car. So she went to the hospital rather than driving probably 10+ hours to come see me. That was the closest we ever came to meeting in person.

During the time I was talking with Karen I hooked up with other people. I don't know why I did. A therapist might say something along the lines of you were just trying to fill an empty hole. I don't know how much truth would be in that. Regardless it doesn't make it right.

Then my wife found out & long story short she decided to stay with me and try to work things out. We both went to counseling. She knew I didn't want to do counseling because I don't trust anyone, but it was "either goto counseling or we're done." I don't do well when talking about myself so I never really got into why I truly was there. After all I didn't trust my T not to use the info against me in some way. So I didn't see him for that many sessions before I acted like I was all better and got "cleared".

Now fast forward to today and I love my wife. I love her more than anything else in this world & I feel horrible for what I did. The problem I am having right now is she doesn't make me feel special. It's not from a lack of trying either. She does a lot to try to make me feel special and wanted. I guess the biggest problem is I don't believe her. I have brought this upto her before, and it just leads to an argument. "Are you saying I'm lying? You basically calling me a lier." Through our entire relationship she's never lied to me. And I don't believe she's lying to me.

"Well what can she do?" That's the problem I don't know. She tells me frequently she loves me. Calls me babe and honey never using my actual name. I don't know what to do. I feel like there's nothing that can be done. I feel like I deserve this after what I did to her.