Had a horrible nostalgia-filled dream about the past. I long to go back and deal with it better from what I now know. I wasted so much of my life.

For instance: 12 years ago I longed to go back to college for a career program. But I couldn't get a government student loan because I earned "too much" (but rents in my city are sky high and government student loans don't take this into account in your income). I also couldn't get a bank loan because I earned "too little" (the banks DO take rents into account in determining your income). Finally, I knew if I quit my job I would get my accumulated pension in a locked-in RSP. So I was stuck. No money to do school - and the program I wanted was not offered part-time. BUT what I didn't know was that part of my pension plan would've paid out in cash so I could have done it, at least until my income was considered low enough for the government loan.


Also I could have got a doctor's note saying I could only work 3 days per week (I was technically part-time anyway). But at the time I never thought of that. And with my husband's fractured employment I'm not sure we could have got by.


So frustrating.


I do often dream of the past and often wake with a feeling of desolation.

I need to put that all behind me. What's done is done.


And before I do anything else, I need my physical and mental health back. I need to follow up on some medical tests, exercise and weight loss. When I am well enough to return to work, THEN I can decide what to do from here.