Bipolar Check-in #74

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. It's not your fault. The depression is making you think that but it's not true.

I know this is probably useless information but I've' not had a single lab draw related to Emsam in the last 14 years. I think your pdoc maybe has it confused with another med, maybe clozapine.

Vit D can really help a lot if you have a low blood level. I remember feeling the difference when I started to get that leveled out.

I hope you can get through this soon.

Had a horrible nostalgia-filled dream about the past. I long to go back and deal with it better from what I now know. I wasted so much of my life.

For instance: 12 years ago I longed to go back to college for a career program. But I couldn't get a government student loan because I earned "too much" (but rents in my city are sky high and government student loans don't take this into account in your income). I also couldn't get a bank loan because I earned "too little" (the banks DO take rents into account in determining your income). Finally, I knew if I quit my job I would get my accumulated pension in a locked-in RSP. So I was stuck. No money to do school - and the program I wanted was not offered part-time. BUT what I didn't know was that part of my pension plan would've paid out in cash so I could have done it, at least until my income was considered low enough for the government loan.


Also I could have got a doctor's note saying I could only work 3 days per week (I was technically part-time anyway). But at the time I never thought of that. And with my husband's fractured employment I'm not sure we could have got by.


So frustrating.


I do often dream of the past and often wake with a feeling of desolation.

I need to put that all behind me. What's done is done.


And before I do anything else, I need my physical and mental health back. I need to follow up on some medical tests, exercise and weight loss. When I am well enough to return to work, THEN I can decide what to do from here.

I am sorry that you have to experience all this on top of your grief! I hope it is possible for you to remember some of the CBT tools in all this, and please don't selfblame.

You are right, past is gone and the opportunities lie in the here and now.

Hi all, I am in to say hello. We have good weather here. If you remember, I had a headache before I left. It didn't go away until two days before my trip.

The headache is still gone (almost, it is there from time to time, but only as a weak pain).

I try to do the exercises for my shoulders and I have been walking longer and longer trips each day (in the heat). One day I went too fast and my blood glucose fell very low. I had to leave the dinner table and go right to bed after taking my dia-meds. High temperatures do something to the insulin in the blood stream (for us who are diagnosed with diabetes).

Today I have had my hair cut and colored. The price was half of the price in my country. Many things are sold to a low price here, much cheaper than at home where it is difficult to make the money last for everything that is needed (except for the needles I needed to buy here for my glucose measurement, more than 10 euro's for one weeks supply). As always when prises rise, the only thing one have to cut away is food ... (one has to pay one's rent, electricity bills and so on).

I see they have small flats for sale here; 25 m2. Not much to live in through the whole year with only one to two trips home for visiting relatives. A part of me wants to buy one of those apartments and move, when the other half says no, no, no ...

I think the wisest is to let the thought become more mature in all the realities I have to face in either choice - continue to live at home in a country with cold winters, but with family members not too far away or move to a warmer country where I don't know a living soul. (I am 70+).

I wish all of you good solutions to whatever problem you have to face in your lives nowadays.

It's one day before the day i realized i was hypomanic last year and i am having no signs so that's good.

@Soupe du jour:

So sorry to hear your trip got off to such a rough start. I hope you're settled in a clean tidy AirBnB by now.

@Soupe du jour I'm sorry things went so badly and hope they'll improve.
@wildflowerchild25 hang in there. I'm experiencing SH thoughts and understand how strong they can be. But like everything else, this too shall pass, just hang on for a while longer. I think your pdoc needs to take you more seriously and do more for you.

My pdoc started me on Klonopin again for my anxiety. I'm still waiting for the referral to IOP but it's just been a day since the referral was made.

The SH thoughts are better today. I'm not making plans anymore and not looking for opportunities, which is good.

I had an intense workout today at the gym with my trainer. I was dripping sweat. My trainer is making sure it's not overly intense and is always checking for pain or discomfort. I'm in good hands with him.

Soupe ugh ! How just dreadful. Glad you have a clean place to lay your head down. Can your Hubby fly in sooner than planned? Sending you hugs.

Wild I’m so sorry your being hit with “ those” emotions. They are to me some of the hardest ones to deal with. Unfortunately you’ve had them before I think everyone has. Can you just float for a while ?

*****

Has some running to do today. Took the dogs to the vet for there rabies shots and literally 25 seconds before getting home Gus puked right between Steve and I Oooaf What a damn mess. He had been doing so much better not being car sick but our roads suck and he got bounced around.

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Soupe ugh ! just dreadful Glad you have a clean place to lay your head down. Can your Hubby fly in sooner than planned? Sending you hugs.

Wild I’m so sorry your being hit with “ those” emotions. They are to me some of the hardest ones to deal with. Unfortunately you’ve had them before I think everyone has. Can you just float for a while ?

*****

Has some running to do today. Took the dogs to the vet for there rabies shots and literally 25 seconds before getting home Gus puked right between Steve and I Oooaf What a damn mess. He had been doing so much better not being car sick but our roads suck and he got bounced around.

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Thanks everyone for the support! RS definitely does understand that this is not my fault and I don’t do it on purpose. He, like me, just doesn’t understand why it keeps happening and why they can’t fix it for longer periods of time. I mean this time I only got three weeks!

I stayed at work today. It was take your child to work day so I took CR with me. He had fun. My coworkers all brought their kids too. My teacher brought her 18 y/o son and he brought his Nintendo switch and hooked it up to the smart board so everyone could play. The two boys (students I mean) played very nicely together which they struggle to do most of the time. So I suppose we could call it work on social skills. CR said my students were sweet and he’s looking forward to coming next year, though he will be 13 so who knows if he’ll actually want to at that point.

Depression is still not good. I didn’t want to eat dinner. I wanted to go to the diner but I also can’t imagine leaving the house for that long. We heated up the frozen chicken and rice soup I made a couple weeks ago. It was good. I feel like bingeing but I’ve purposely removed all my favorites (chips, ice cream) from the house to prevent that. I can binge on carrots. Or fruit. That’s about it.

I am trying desperately to fight the negative self talk and focus on the fact that I do feel good at times so it will return. My brain immediately says “yeah but it’ll go to ***** again too” but I don’t want to focus on that fact. I’m just struggling terribly. I guess radical acceptance is a good way to go.

My pdoc session went very good. The first thing I told him was that I had applied to 2 jobs. We talked about that for a couple minutes. Then he said "how is your sleep bud?" I knew I looked like crap and I was in my moms bed with 2 throw blankets on and I was exhausted. I said I had been going through a lot of physical stuff. I explained the GI stuff and the stomach meds that can make me tired and then I talked about the bleeding and needing to see the gynecologist. He was really understanding and knew my dysphroia was kicking up real bad. He had a super concerned look on his face while talking to me but he knew (and I knew too) there was nothing that needed to be done with my pysch meds and they are working fine. He said to come back in 3 months but to call if I need anything. I bet theres like a 2 year waiting list to see this guy.

I also emailed my therapist. She was incredibly supportive and validated my feelings as well and said I had every right to feel this way. She said she was here for me and I can email her whenever and to try grounding and to remember that its ok to feel this way and try anything that may help even a little.

So my appointment with the gynecologist is on May 5th. I spent the day in bed totally exhausted but I do think I may have been down in the dumps a bit. I did get my weekly shot too which can drain me of energy. I went to take a shower half an hour ago and found both my cats on my bed. I rarely find any of them on my bed let alone both of them at the same time. It creeps me out because I know I've heard people talk about cats smelling stuff.

I do feel better after taking a shower though.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. Keep up the good work trying to fight the negative self talk!
My brain answers me like that sometimes, I don’t really have any advice except keep doing what you’re doing, I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone

Aww I’m so sorry to hear your pup gets car sick, so does mine! Such a mess sometimes!
I hope he’s ok!

I had a long day yesterday, so when I got home, I had something to eat then went to bed.
I never managed to post a photo of my completed task to my adhd group, so I’m a little disappointed but I’ll do it in the morning.

Other than that, my list of things I need to do for work is growing, so I’m stressed. Hopefully I’ll clear some of it tomorrow morning.

I’m just so tired all the time

Went to an author talk/reading tonight. Was nice, ran into a woman that I see often at aqua fitness and also at the senior center. She came and sat with me, that was nice. She was rewarded by winning an advanced copy of his next book, for sitting the closest to him! 😂 sort of sad that most of the folks there were seniors. Most of us could have been wearing red or purple hats! But it was nice to get out and it was also a pretty good weather day. The author talked a lot on how writing is a collaboration and mentioned other Minnesota writers. Got more names for my book lists. Thankfully we are blessed with a great bookstore that has a huge selection of Minnesota writers.

Me? I’m hanging in there. Still have waves of anxiety and grief that unexpectedly wash over me. I try to keep busy, but it’s hard having conversations. Was looking for a picture on my phone and came across the last picture I took of mum. The house is looking particularly empty with all of mum’s Nick nacks moved priced and ready for the garage sale.

In good news Sir ate well tonight. He’s gotten so skinny. And he always comes to greet me when I’ve been out. I do worry tho that a move is going to be too much for him.

So, I should've subscribed to the "Don't believe everything you hear on the internet." school of thought just a little bit more. In my defense, I read and watched and listened to multiple advertisements from my state's department of health over the course of April telling me this is the month to update all of my pertinent information for Medicaid and to expect correspondence on the topic. I went to the closest benefits office (two towns over) a little concerned over the end of the month coming with no letter. They checked my contact info and told me essentially "No news is good news." I'm okay with that, but why the blanket adverts? Again, no consistent information regarding something quite important in my life!? Fantastic.

Anyhow, going to relax and unwind. Just got to figure what to do this evening.

@Soupe du jour
I can definitely empathize with your situation. Big trip, things fall through and you're left scrambling. Been there.

I hope you've been able to get properly settled so you can tackle the task at hand.

May the rest of your stay be uneventful!

@Nammu


In good news Sir ate well tonight. He’s gotten so skinny. And he always comes t greet me when I’ve been out. I do worry tho that a move is going to be too much \him.[/QUOTE]

Sorry for the tacked on Quote thing. I can't get rid of it somehow.

I just wanted you to know not to be too surprised if Sir thrives. After 10 years I moved into my mom's loft (left put 2 bedrooms ) with 2 old cats. The older was 18 and the younger 15 I think.

They did amazingly well and when we wen shocked an d how well the older one was because she was deft and and had low vision. And we moved 2 times in in a year. Sir will adjust better than you think based on that experience.

One thing I learned with all that is that cats will eat baby food meats if nothing else fits. When desperate (b/c it stinks) chicken livers boiled and then pureed with a jar of baby food and bottled chicken gravy got my really old cat to eat when she'd lost interest.


The trick is to put in the same places and never move them. That helps the blindness a lot;


I'm glad you are able to do so many activities.

And please forgive any nonsense typing.. My meds are fully in my system and control right now.

@BeyondtheRainbow thanks, that is very reassuring!

I’m back on lithium again. I can’t seem to manage the SI without it. I hope to build up more effective coping skills so I can quit again as it’s taken my kidney function down before. I’ve started again and feel much better.

I go to meet my daughter halfway this weekend to talk about the wedding. I’m excited about that.

My anxiety is ratcheted up really high right now. I have a few cognitive distortions that lead me to panic, anxiety and stress. One is catastrophic thinking. Another is black and white thinking. I’m working on toning those down.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Hi Friends,
Been a while. Just wanted to stop in and say hello. I am doing alright. I was pretty upset when my reconsideration for disability was denied. The next step I guess is to get a lawyer and see a law judge. I need to get on that, but I'm kinda avoiding the topic the best I can. Mood wise I am doing better -- I went through a stint of depression but I am better now. Living at home is still causing me a lot of struggles of being reminded I am a burden. My mother even, multiple time, and in multiple ways "hinted" that maybe I should look at taking money out of my teacher's pension. I am a young and and I would love to go back to teaching at some time... I felt very angry by the assertion. It didn't seem fair.... however...

I have much more in my pension than I realized, and even with penalties I'm looking at around 11k. That would be a nice nest egg to get back on my own. I wanna get my ducks in a row first, obviously, but I'm contemplating maybe it will be my way out of this situation.

Anyway, nothing more to talk about really. I'm just floating in the stream of life. I'll be alright.

I hope everyone is doing as well as possible!

@Brentus welcome back, I hope things work out for you with your planning. I’m sorry to hear you didn’t get the news you wanted about disability!

I’m doing ok, I went to a talk today about bipolar disorder and they discussed the mean time between relapses being 3 months! Fuuuuuuuuuucccckkkkk!!!
3 months??? That really upset me.
I feel so fortunate to be stable (ish) for the past year. It’s been ropey, but mostly ok! However, at the end, they discussed how polypharmacy is actually the norm to keep people stable. And I’m happy with my mix of medication, it seems to be helping along with all of the therapy and things I do to keep myself well.

I hope you’re all ok!!!

Three months!!! I’m way over due.

I know, same, right!?

It really upset me, I need to do some more reading about it.

My anxiety is way up. Starting Klonopin tomorrow.

I'm exercising at home on my days off from the gym. Nothing too strenuous , just strength training for my back, stomach, arms and legs.