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Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108
Hi again.
Just to clarify, the pushback and accountability I posted about is something I only do when his behavior seems predominantly PA, manipulative, agro, etc. When he seems like he's in a scarier, deeper depression, he's quiet and tired. When he's like that, there's no need for push back and it's easier to be gentle with him. Not saying this is a standard thing, just the pattern around here.
Dr. Ramani and Dr. Les Carter both have a lot of good videos on YouTube about passive aggressive/ covert narcissist. That might be a place for you to start and see if anything feels relatable to you.
In that same vein, there's a book titled The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist that I wish I'd found earlier. You can do the "look inside" thing at Amazon to see if it might resonate.
The best book I've come across to address passive aggressive behavior (not necessarily based on personality disorders) is The Angry Smile. These people literally wrote the book on passive aggression. I'd done a lot of research prior to coming across this one, and still felt very confused. This one cleared up everything- from what causes it, to how to spot it, to how to deal with it.
Not sure if this might help you, but Codependent No More has been invaluable to me. It taught me to start taking care of myself and stop taking responsibility for others. This is another one you can look inside at Amazon and see if it might be of some use. Without this, I would probably have never been brave enough to start holding my own against him.
Hope everything is going okay for you today and that your dh is behaving okay.
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@ArmorPlate 108 Hi, first I want to thank you so much for spending the time to give me your advice and perspective. I was talking to my best friend and she was telling me how much she agreed with what you were saying about the behavior being a manipulation. For me, it can be really hard because deep down I believe my H is a good person in a really scary place desperately searching for an answer. I also still love him very much. However, at the same time, it seems like myself, our children and our family might be sacrificed on his quest and he freely admits that and seems okay with it.
I also take a lot of power from you saying "No" is a complete answer. The truth is, I have no way of knowing if my H has already had affairs or why he would ask permission to do so now.
For me, I think the hardest part of where we are right now is the limbo. But, I appreciate your book recommendations and I am going to go look them up now. My H and I really haven't done any deep talks for the past few days which is somewhat of a welcome relief. If I just focus on what I want right right now, I know I don't want to get divorced at the moment. I know I am not okay with him seeing other people. At the same time, I am not going to divorce him for that preemptively, nor am I going to promise him I will be waiting here if/when he wants to go see other people and come back. I don't know if it is a mark of a passive aggressive person, a depressed person, a midlife crisis, or just my husband, but I don't think he knows what he wants either.
For example, he told me the past week that in April he was so angry at me b/c I was planning a trip to somewhere fun for us to take the kids and I put a lot of time and effort into it, but that I wasn't planning a trip for he and I. But, when I told him I want to go on a trip with him and gave him some ideas/dates and the like, he said he was not interested in that. That definitely seems very PA, so I look forward to tackling that in the books you send.
Sorry this response was all over the place. But I truly am going to work on myself and what I want, and what I can do to achieve that. And you really have helped me so much, so again, it is so much appreciated.