to the PC Gang

I said goodbye to my T today. I could have kept seeing her through the end of the month but every little misstep was starting to erode elements of the work we've done and the believes I held. And since there wasn't going to be time to repair these ruptures; I felt, I would continue to scrutinize every action through the lens of pain.

I actually kind of feel better ... because it is done and over. And she confirmed a reality of our relationship that I believed. She acknowledged that this was not the way she (either of us) wanted things to end.

Earlier today I made a list of all the tough things I have lived through and all the good things that came from my time with T; things I liked about T or felt good with T. I shared that list with her and ended up adding 2 more. It's a long list. She thanked me for being me, for showing up each time, and that she sees the goodness in me.

This is not the hardest thing in my life I've had to deal with. It is in the top 10 and might be close to or in the top 5.

I can email her; and I'm going to try to let her go. She's closing her practice due to her own and her family having some serious medical illnesses. I don't need to pull her resources away from those items. I let her know that the door swings both ways even if I knew she wouldn't open that door.

Due to variety of things, I ended up with nothing from her as a parting item. I hope she mails me a letter or card. I did not ask for one and do not think one will really come. I also ended up leaving tons of items at her office - including the puzzle that meant so much to me. She knows that one of the things I had thought about with ending was her mailing me that puzzle pieces at a time. Maybe she'll do that. I didn't ask; so I don't know if she will. I think odds are not in my favor.

I don't really have a new T. I have potentials. I'll have to see what happens there. I have moved back to the concept of going with the Temp T I saw when she was out on medical. I don't believe I'll make the same kind of connection with him as I did with T. I wanted to go with this other T that used to work in the same office as T. I realized that I would be toggling everything I felt about T to that person and she would never be able to live up to a mythology of a person in my head. So, I do think a break away from this kind of relationship will be good.

I think next week will be one of the longest weeks of my life.