Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

to the PC Gang

I said goodbye to my T today. I could have kept seeing her through the end of the month but every little misstep was starting to erode elements of the work we've done and the believes I held. And since there wasn't going to be time to repair these ruptures; I felt, I would continue to scrutinize every action through the lens of pain.

I actually kind of feel better ... because it is done and over. And she confirmed a reality of our relationship that I believed. She acknowledged that this was not the way she (either of us) wanted things to end.

Earlier today I made a list of all the tough things I have lived through and all the good things that came from my time with T; things I liked about T or felt good with T. I shared that list with her and ended up adding 2 more. It's a long list. She thanked me for being me, for showing up each time, and that she sees the goodness in me.

This is not the hardest thing in my life I've had to deal with. It is in the top 10 and might be close to or in the top 5.

I can email her; and I'm going to try to let her go. She's closing her practice due to her own and her family having some serious medical illnesses. I don't need to pull her resources away from those items. I let her know that the door swings both ways even if I knew she wouldn't open that door.

Due to variety of things, I ended up with nothing from her as a parting item. I hope she mails me a letter or card. I did not ask for one and do not think one will really come. I also ended up leaving tons of items at her office - including the puzzle that meant so much to me. She knows that one of the things I had thought about with ending was her mailing me that puzzle pieces at a time. Maybe she'll do that. I didn't ask; so I don't know if she will. I think odds are not in my favor.

I don't really have a new T. I have potentials. I'll have to see what happens there. I have moved back to the concept of going with the Temp T I saw when she was out on medical. I don't believe I'll make the same kind of connection with him as I did with T. I wanted to go with this other T that used to work in the same office as T. I realized that I would be toggling everything I felt about T to that person and she would never be able to live up to a mythology of a person in my head. So, I do think a break away from this kind of relationship will be good.

I think next week will be one of the longest weeks of my life.

15 sessions left

Hugs, Elio.

Hope it's OK to reply a bit more: It sounds like you made the right choice in ending now instead of waiting until the end of the month. And the list sounds like it was a great idea that helped you (and probably her as well).

If you end up deciding you want one of the items from her office, maybe you could contact her about that? Or if you'd want a card/letter. But I can also see just letting it be. Maybe see how things sit with you over the next week or two.

I hope the Temp T is helpful, if you opt to go with him long-term. And you likely won't make the same connection, but you can hopefully make a new, different connection that's special in its own way.

When we were talking about food and stuff and you asked me how things were going I said I had been eating a lot of ketchup chips, I liked how you said "Ketchup chips. A Mountaindewed classic."

52 days without you. I've honestly been happier these past two days. I know my depression is very situational.

I'm proud of myself and how far I've come.

In a sense, today was bound to be soluble...right?

Dear T: I keep forgetting about our appointment tomorrow. I am also a little surprised that I would have rather stayed in bed Friday morning, than come in for a session. I think I am letting you go. I am not sure if it is because we've talked about having to end, since you don't take medicaid, and I can't pay right now. As of this moment, I am okay with that. I don't think I would have chose to end therapy with you, but it also isn't as devastating as I imagined. And really, the only reason why is because I still have E.

Dear E: I can't decide if I should tell you that even though I completely agree with you, it still feels like you have to pull back, and that hurts. I know why you need to, and it makes sense, I just have gotten used to our emailing ways. Will I tell you this? I don' know, but I know I "should" I have a feeling that it won't be lost on you that I didn't email at all this week. Well, I have until Wednesday, but I know I won't. I have to cope on my own at some point, right?

I had a dream on Friday night that answered one of my two big questions about therapy, and then last night, another dream, that I think anyway provided further information about said answer. Hmm. And hmm again. I'm a little conflicted about trusting my own interpretations; then again that's nothing new... ha

ps I did some writing around the other big question the other night, I say 'around' because I never really got into the actual meat of the question. I'm likely as afraid of that answer as I am about whole-heartedly answering the call. Sigh.

I'm a big disappointment to you, aren't I? Not that you'd ever say so.

Eh, I'm a big disappointment to myself also. Always have been, prolly always will be.

Do you ever rewind to the summer you knew me?

What am I so afraid of?!?!?!!?!

Dear W,

I appreciate your concept of The Space Between, and texting all the time. Sharing poems, pictures, articles creates a bond, and is something of which my past therapist M would disapprove. Still, I am not sure it’s good for me. You’re always in touch, and I worry we’re crossing a line but not a dangerous one- more of a grey area. At first this all seemed like wish- fulfillment, but now I find I need space from you .

I keep asking the question, but to tell you the truth...
I don't know what I need right now.

I know the answer probably isn't chocolate, but it kind of helped.

you know what I am? I am a work in progress and I just really need to keep reminding myself of that, and stop with the self-bashing already.

I'm feeling pretty good today overall.

I don't feel like doing therapy tommorow mainly just because I don't want to. Which wasn't a good enough answer to cancel. But I met my goals and stuff. Take a shower. Leave the house. And watch non CNN TV.

Thank you for the reassurance this morning.

I'm still not sure how I'm feeling, but it helped.

I'm glad we could reschedule. 6:45PM is a rough spot, but its better than nothing, or being charged.

Dr. S -
We would be in session right now... 3/4 the way through it to be honest. This is the first non-session day. I have written a friggin novel trying to keep myself occupied. I had really hoped to see your "online" green dot today at one of the times I opened the video program. I wasn't going to say anything to you. It was more of a .. yeah, there she is thing. But it went from mobile to offline. I don't know if you were using your phone today or what does mobile mean in the app. Before our sessions, it often would say mobile before turn green and you calling. But you were not on your phone.

I'd rather have seen the green or red dot. I'll probably watch on Friday too ... and then try to not look at it again. So tempting to uninstall the app. And I might get there.

With you not online all day, I've got myself wonder if I really was the only person you were still seeing. The last one holding on. If so, I'm glad I let go on Friday even though it is really painful. 4 day and a lifetime to go. My calendar looks so empty without our sessions.

I told you whats been bugging me lately. The email was kinda strange, but I said what I said.

5:00am is an entirely unreasonable time for any ordinary human to be awake.
The aftermath of this service is doing a number on me - I'm looking forward to debriefing with you tomorrow, and dreading it at the same time.

I hurt. I miss talking to you.

I hope you let me back into DBT group even though I missed half of July all of August and am going to probably miss all of September. I kinda miss you too. Idk when I'll be able to restart individual therapy, but just know I am as safe as I've ever been.

Hey L. Totally out of the blue this morning I realized something - that if/when I ever answer the "What is it about this relationship" question, then I'll know what's missing in my other relationships.

hey t,

what made you want to read that quote to me? maybe next time you can choose a shorter one. my attention span is short, remember?

me

I know you tried to normalise what happened in session yesterday; that I was so lost in a flashback I completely dissociated and couldn't speak or respond at all. But I'm really struggling with how it's left me feeling. You sat with me and held my hands (something we'd previously agreed on as a way of grounding me), talking calmly and reassuring me that I was safe and with someone who cared about me.

When I came back to the here and now, I just felt so much embarrassment, I was mortified. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. You said there was no need to feel that way. It was okay, you'd done similar with other clients experiencing a traumatic flashback.

On a logical level, I know you're right. On an emotional level, I am having difficulty with the thought of facing you again.